Nonfiction In A Nutshell - Parent Effectiveness Training: Part 1

I have decided to start a new segment on my blog: Nonfiction In A Nutshell. I like to read, and I read a lot of nonfiction. Often I love a book so much that I want everyone in the world to read it. Often, when I suggest nonfiction books to people I find that they aren't always as enthusiastic as I am about the genre. But I still want people to get the information. So I figured if I read a really interesting nonfiction book I should blog about it!

Now, nonfiction books tend to have lots and lots of information packed between their covers, so it will usually take me more than one or two posts to really present the information from the book. I'm not sure this model will work for me or my readers, but I am excited to try it out!

The first book I will be dissecting is Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Dr. Thomas Gordon. I'm also reading this book with a group of friends right now, so I'll be interested to see what they think of my summaries. Dr. Gordon is a psychologist who has won lots of awards, written several books and has been a consultant to people in high places. He ran a training program for parents for a while and then wrote this book to help parents who couldn't travel to his trainings learn the principles of PET.

I'll be going over the first two chapters of the book in the post.

Chapter one is basically an advertisement for why you should read this book. Gordon states that parents are often blamed for their children's unacceptable behaviors, but are rarely trained to effectively solve those problems. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world for which we receive no official training! Gordon asserts that with PET parents will experience improved communication, improved conflict resolution, and develop a stronger relationship with their child.

He suggests that adolescents don't rebel against parents, they rebel against certain parenting methods, such as punishment (physical and verbal) and withdrawal of privileges. This is a book that teaches parents how to "establish and maintain an effective total relationship with a child in any and all circumstances." Parents will learn the what, why and how of it, specific techniques and the philosophy behind said techniques.

Gordon claims that this method will work for children of all ages and developmental levels. This method will also teach children to solve their own problems. He states that there is no reason for kids to view their parents as "the enemy" and implementation of these methods will help parents to avoid being "fired" by their children.

PET is often called the "no-lose" method, in contrast to the typical "win-lose" methods seen in permissive and authoritative parenting styles. This "no-lose" method is commonly used between adults for conflict resolution, and Gordon wants parents to understand that this method works between parents and kids as well!

So, if any of that sounds interesting to you, keep reading. And come back next week(ish) for the next installment :)

Chapter 2 - Parents Are Persons, Not Gods

To be honest, there are a couple parts of this chapter I did not agree with. So I wasn't sure if I should just report what is in the book, or give my opinion. Needless to say, this chapter does not diminish my praise for this book. I just ask that people, especially people who loved the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, to read this chapter with "a grain of salt."

I think Gordon is trying to empathize with parents in this chapter. He tells us that parents have a really tough job, and that it's not necessary, or even helpful to try and be super mom or dad. Parents don't have to hide their feelings, or be 100% consistent and fair, or even present a unified front with their co-parent.

Then he gets into his definition of acceptance, and this is where he started to lose me a little this time. Here are the basics. Your kid can do two things: behavior you are accepting of or behavior you are not accepting of. Behavior you accept is stuff you feel comfortable with, and behavior you don't accept is stuff that irks you.

Now here is the thing, we all know people who are very accepting, right? It feels wonderful to be around them, like they accept me no matter what! And we also know people who are not very accepting... being around them feels less wonderful, and may leave us feeling nervous and wondering if that person even likes us. After reading Unconditional Parenting I learned the importance of acceptance. However, not everyone is going to be an ultra accepting person. And Gordon wants them to know that's ok. Which I feel is pretty generous of him :) Being accepting of unaccepting people ;)

The important thing is that parents need to effectively communicate with their children when the children are engaged in behaviors the parents deem unacceptable. And fortunately for us, I believe PET helps parents to do that without straining the relationship between the parent and child.

Now, back to the book.

Parents cannot be consistent because humans are not robots! Every day we have a different temperament, sometimes even every hour we might change how we feel about things. Also, we don't live in static environments, so we might be ok with certain things at home, and not ok with those things at a restaurant. So basically, don't beat yourself up for being "inconsistent," our world is dynamic, and you are too... And your parenting should be fluid too!

The unified front need not apply. In essence, you need to be true to your feelings, even if your coparent disagrees. Maybe one parents thinks playing with the fire extinguisher to demonstrate Newton's third law of motion in the kitchen is totally awesome, but the other parent might think a clean kitchen is more important than SCIENCE! :) It isn't ok for one parent to set aside their feelings just to convey a unified front, feelings are important! And what kid wants to feel like both their parents are ganging up on them... especially when they know one of them totally wants to play with the fire extinguisher too?

False acceptance is dangerous. This means pretending you are ok with something you definitely are not ok with. Humans don't just communicate with words, we use all sorts of nonverbal cues to convey our message. Just because I say I'm ok with you taking the last cookie doesn't mean I really AM ok with it... And how would you feel if after I watch you eat that last, decadent, chocolate, vegan cookie I slumped over and shed one poignant tear? Yeah, you'd probably tell me to get over it... but you'd also probably feel less than wonderful about that cookie you just ate. Kids see the world in black and white... their brain just isn't quite done cooking yet, so we need to be clear with them, otherwise they may jump to unfortunate conclusions.

And these quotes were just too great to summarize: " Frequent exposure to such situations can cause children to feel unloved. It can bring on frequent "testing" on the part of the child, can cause children to carry around a heavy load of anxiety, foster in children feelings of insecurity, and so on... When a child receives "mixed messages," she may begin to have grave doubts about the honesty or genuineness of her parent... (it is) far better for parents to realize when they are not feeling accepting and not pretend that they are."

Is accepting the kid, but not the behavior a thing? I know I've heard of this before, and I honestly think it could work depending on how it's internalized. The problem is it needs to be internalized positively by both the parent and the child. And I think Gordon does a nice job of explaining why this kind of stuff can be confusing to a kid: "Parents have interpreted this to mean that it is all right to control, restrict, prohibit, demand, or deny, as long as they do it in some clever way so that the child perceives it as not rejecting of her but of her behavior." But the problem is, as I've said before, kids see things in black and white. I believe it is unlikely that the kid will truly get the "I love you, just not what you do" message the way we want them to. I learned A LOT more about this kind of stuff in Unconditional Parenting, and I think Kohn does a much better job of delving into this topic than Gordon does. So, if you feel a little lost after reading this section of the book, pick up Unconditional Parenting, I think you'll like it.

So basically, it's important to know that it's OK for you to not like some of the things your kid does. But it isn't ok to pretend you are ok with thinks you don't like.

Who owns the problem? Now we start to get into some of the technique of PET. Step one in any conflict is to figure out who owns the problem. Some problems are the kid's problem, others are the parent's problem, and both need to be approach differently. For example, when your kid is upset about that stupid homework packet, or that jerk on the playground, well, that's your kid's problem. But when the parent is upset about their kid jumping on them or trying to poke out the baby's eyes, well that's the parents problem. I think the easiest way to figure out who a problem belongs to is to look at who is upset by the situation. I mean, I'm sure you will empathize with your kid when his heart is broken by that evil 2nd grader (I mean who wouldn't appreciate a beautifully colored in bouquet of flowers!? He even stayed in the lines!!) But I think we can all agree that this is your kid's problem; having empathy for someone isn't the same as being upset about a situation you've experienced.

So when your kid brings you one of their problems PET teaches us to use active listening to help our kids solve their own problems. I know it's tempting to solve your kid's problem... I mean, we adults tend to think much quicker and we have all this experience to draw from. But after a while it may become exhausting to put out every fire your kid brings to you. Not to mention that your advice may NOT be the best idea. This isn't your problem that needs solving here, so chances are your solution will be substandard to one your kid could come up with (at least after some practice.)

Now, when it's the parent's problem PET is going to teach us some confrontation skills. And that may sound scary to a lot of us; because in the past, confrontations often ended in yelling, tantrums, door slamming or running away. But this ain't your grandpa's conflict resolution belt. This is the "no-lose" method, but we won't be getting into that for a few weeks.

PET is all about teaching parents conflict resolution skills which, when modeled to children, helps kids learn to solve their own problems in a way that is cooperative and makes sure that everyone's needs are met.

Next week(ish) I'll get into chapters 3-5 where the skill of active listening is explored in depth. Thanks for reading!

This is what you get when you type "conflict resolution kittens" into a Google image search :)

How To Drop Your Kid Off At Daycare

Most of my friends bring their children to daycare during the week. In fact, according to the US Census from 2011, only 20% of children under five are regularly cared for by their parents throughout the week. 24% are with a grandparent and 33% are in daycares. And on average, for children whose mothers are working, kids are in daycare for 36 hours a week. So, daycare of some type is a substantial part of most families' lives.

Let's be clear. I run a daycare out of my home. So, obviously I'm not against daycares. I do, however, wish that the families I serve could spend more time together. Although, I understand that doing so might be an exceptional hardship. I am glad that I can provide a safe, happy home for my friend's children to be at while they go to work.

That being said, I think it is really important HOW a parent brings and leaves a child at daycare.

Kids are not yet adults. This is usually most apparent by their tiny size. But, spend some time with a kid and you'll quickly realize it is their underdeveloped brain that truly defines their age group. Kids just don't think things through the way adults do. This is why we hold their hands in parking lots and keep the candy on the top shelf.

So, what's the big difference between the adult brain and developing brain? The part of the brain that I am most interested in right now is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain where we focus, plan and organize our lives. And this part of the brain doesn't really start to develop until we are four years old! And it isn't ready for prime time until our early to mid twenties.

Now there are lots of places I could go with this knowledge at this point. But basically I am trying to make the point that children see and understand the world very differently from how adults do. And these differences, if ignored, could cause lasting problems.

Let's look at what often happens when a kid is dropped off at daycare. (Warning: This is anecdotal evidence. I haven't actually done a study about what parents say to their kids at drop off... but all parents I have worked with have said something along these lines at some point.)

No matter how often your kid screams at you and throws tantrums, the reality is, you are his/her favorite person in the world. Your kid wants to be with you. Even if you have an awesome daycare provider, your kid would probably choose to spend the day with you instead of going to daycare. This is a good thing :) But, for many families, the reality is you have to go to work and your kid has to go to daycare.

But sometimes your kid REALLY doesn't want to go to daycare. They ask to stay with you, they ask you to stay with them... And then the tears come in. It's rough. No one wants to walk away from their kid in that moment. So, we try to let them down easy.

"Honey, I'm so sorry. I really want to spend the day with you too. I don't want to go to work, but I HAVE to."

We say this with the best of intentions. And it is, generally, true. I'm sure many people enjoy their work, but given the choice to spend time with loved ones, I'm willing to bet that family would win. (again this is all purely anecdotal)

Now here comes the science!

When we say stuff like this to kids, they hear something entirely different from what we want them to hear.

Over the past year I've read some books that have really helped me to understand why I need to choose my words and actions very carefully when working with children.

Bring Them Back Alive by Jose M. de Olivares (Best if you have a kid (or work with kids) who have fallen in with the "wrong" crowd or who are on the path to do so)

Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon (Best if you want a step-by-step how-to guide for resolving conflicts with your kids without relying on the use of parental power, something I will talk more about in a future post)

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene PhD (Best if you have or work with children who have extreme tantrums or behaviors and you want to improve your relationship with that child and help them find new ways to harness their energy)

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn (Best if you are a human who cares about humans. Essential if you have or work with children)

These books all do a great job of putting you in the shoes of your children, helping you to perceive the world as they do. It really opened my eyes and helped me to see how many of the things I was doing (timeout, punishments, rewards, incentives, bargaining, active ignoring etc.) looked much different to the kids I was working with than I expected them to. And it made me realize that those "doing to" techniques are inadequate at best and dangerous at worst. Now I am honing my "working with" techniques that I have learned from these books to improve my relationship with the children I work with and to have more effective, longer lasting problem solving sessions.

So, what does a kid hear when we tell them that we really don't want to go to work, but we have to?

Kids don't generally have the ability to understand the gray zones or the big picture we adults take for granted. They see things in black and white, yes and no, left and right. Of course we adults know the world doesn't work that way, and our children will find that out soon enough for themselves. But until they do, we need to meet them where they are, or else we risk unintentionally weakening our relationship with our children for the sake of brevity.

When we tell our kid we don't WANT to go to work, that's exactly what they hear. That mom or dad does not want to go to their job. But of course, mom or dad will go to work. This now leaves the child to think that mom or dad would rather go to a job they don't even want to be at, than be with their child. "They'd rather go someplace they hate than be with me." That's the black and white interpretation of what the parent said. Needless to say, this can have a negative effect on child's sense of self.

Of course that's not what we want our kids to think! So what can we say instead?

My wife and I have talked about this a lot lately, and she came up with an answer that I really like and I really want to share it with the world.

Kid: Mooooooom. Please don't go. (tears start) I really want you to stay with me...

Parent: You really don't want me to go.

Kid: No. I want you to stay with me.

Parent: I really like spending time with you too. But I've made a promise to my boss to come in to work, and it's important to keep promises.

Kid: (Sad, pouty look)

Parent: But you know what? I've also made a promise to you. I promise to be here as soon as I am done with my work and be present with you until bedtime. What would you like to do after we get home?

I know this takes a little longer than the first response... And I'm not saying that kids will perk up and be totally ok with you going to work that day. But it builds on an understanding about why mom or dad has to go to work. And it doesn't make an value judgements on whether the parent likes work or the child better. Rather it teaches the importance of keeping promises, a gateway to being a responsible person.

Maybe you think your kid is too young to grasp the finer points of the above conversation, and you think you'll start with those kinds of exchanges when the kid is four or five. But I recently suggested this method to the father of a 2 month baby. I feel like the sooner parents get into the habit of hearing their words from their child's perspective the sooner these kinds of conversations will be second nature.

So, what do you think? How do you think your kid would respond to this kind of conversation? Have you ever read any of the books I mentioned in this post, what did you think about them? Do you leave your kid at daycare? How do you manage to daycare drop off time?

I'd be so happy to hear your thoughts, ideas and questions. Please comment and share :)

"That is just THE WORST!"

You're sharing an experience at the grocery store with a friend: "They just didn't have enough lines open for a Sunday afternoon. So I picked one, and before I knew it I was locked in with two carts behind me. Of course the elderly man in front of me had to be extra chatty with the clerk. One of the items wouldn't scan and I heard the clerk say those dreaded words, "Sorry it's my first day, let me call a manager." So I wait. I looked behind me, hoping I could go find another lane, no luck. Finally the manager comes over, fixes the problem and just when I thought I could get out of there the old man takes out his wallet and is $10 short! So he's going through the bags trying to figure out what to put back. The lane next to us opens up, and the person lined up behind the person behind me swiftly moves over. Uhg, it's so unfair. So I wait. Finally that old guy removes enough crap to get out of my way! It was just so irritating! Some people should just stay home!"

To which your friend comments, "UHG! That is just the worst!!"

Or, You're telling a story about that time you hit a turkey with your car causing thousands of dollars of damage and covering everything in turkey guts... That is just the worst!

Or maybe it was when the city double charged you for your property taxes because of a paperwork error and you spent five months and dozens of aggravating phone calls moving up high enough in the bureaucracy to get your money back... That is just the worst!

Or maybe it's what happened to me today?

I've been getting phone calls meant for another person who also belongs to my gym. Apparently she isn't paying her bill and for some reason my phone number is in her file. Now collections companies are calling me too. I finally decided to call the head office and try to get this fixed. I was on the phone for maybe 10 minutes when they finally found the woman's file and told me they were going to work on removing my phone number from her contact info. I wasn't even complaining, and the woman who was helping me said, "I'm so sorry, this is just the worst!"

I had no idea what to say.

This morning I woke up to learn that my first pregnancy was ending.

...

My wife and started a couple years ago to try and adopt. But after so many disappointing situations (the first of which prompted me to start this blog) we decided to try another avenue. My fear of pregnancy and its countless complications is what steered us towards adoption in the first place. I'm 35 now, and I know this is the turning point for fertility, so I decided to put my courage where my fear was and see if I can do this.

Last month we went to a fertility doctor, bought blue eyed sperm and let a kind and overly optimistic doctor inseminate me. Last week we found out I was pregnant. And a couple days ago I started bleeding.

So, today, hearing someone tell me that a few short, polite phone calls is, "the worst" just made me stop.

That phrase has bothered me for a long time. Usually when someone says it to me I respond with, "No, genocide is the worst."

When I was in sixth grade the book Number the Stars opened my eyes. Then two years later the Rwandan Genocide terrified me as I came to grips with the fact that genocide is alive and well in my world. I guess that's why, in my book anyway, genocide is ACTUALLY "the worst."

I have friends who have tried for years to get pregnant. Some had to go through really invasive procedures to make it work. And for some it never worked.

http://weburbanist.com/2011/10/16/image-nation-50-nifty-forced-perspective-photographs/

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that perspective is important. I'm really sad now. I feel empty. I feel lonelier today, than I felt yesterday.

But I know some very important things:
- I am safe.
- My family is safe.
- It's possible for me to become pregnant.
- I am loved.

This is not the worst.

My Wedding Speech

A couple weeks ago I got married! And I had this plan to give this great, public speech all about my new wife and how awesome she is and how much I love her and I was really looking forward to embarrassing her in front of a TON of people. But at the reception everyone was having so much fun (myself included) that I really didn't want to put a pause on the festivities... so I will give my speech here. This way I can embarrass her in front of even more people!! :)

Here it goes...

I want to give you all a little history of me and tell you why I decided to get married. It's not often I get a captive audience, so I am totally taking advantage of this!

When I was in my twenties I made the "noble" decision to not get married until marriage equality was a reality. I'd tell people that I had friends who couldn't legally marry their love and that just wasn't right... So, yeah... it had nothing to do with my own internal struggle! <wink>

My wife was not my first girl crush. But all those other crushes faded with time. So I never really had to deal with this part of who I am until a few years ago. When I first met Shockin', my wife for those of you who don't know her, I was instantly smitten with her... That's really the only way to describe how I felt at the time. She was teaching me crossovers and I felt like the luckiest person in the world to get this special one-on-one time with this beautiful, intelligent, kind, gifted skater...

Oh yeah, I felt super important! Kinda like how my teammate Hater felt when she sat next to Marc Maron at the radio show ;) .. (I wanted to put that line in my speech cause it's important to involve the audience in what you are saying... if they feel like they are are part of your story, they will stay engaged longer... and I also hoped it would make Hater laugh!)

So, I figured Shockin' HAD to  have noticed me ogling her at some point, and as we became closer friends I thought I had to tell her something otherwise she might think I "liked" her! Now, anyone who knows me well knows I SUCK at lying. I mean, except when I'm lying to myself ;) Cause I'm practically an expert at that! But lying to others... I just can't do it... The truth just eats it's way out of me. The last time I thought I could lie to someone I was about ten years old... and my mom TOTALLY saw me riding my bike in the street. Getting caught felt so awful that I just couldn't do that again! So thanks mom ;)

So, with all these braincells of mine, I decided that it would be best to tell Shockin' that I was intimidated by her... (This is where I would look at my new wife with a skeptical expression) Intimidated by HER...

For those of you who know my blushing bride she's about as intimidating as a kitten, off skates that is. You know... in retrospect... that was actually a really good lie!!! Cause she must have been so thrown off by my statement she'd have no idea it was a lie! The thing that actually intimidated me was the way I felt when she was around. So, you know... we did the next logical step... we moved in together! :)

So, I said earlier that Shockin' wasn't my first crush... I've had lots of crushes. And that experience has brought me the knowledge that there always comes a point in every crush where I discover The Thing. The Thing is that quirk, hobby, activity, vocalization, tick, or affirmation that makes me think, "Oh... yikes... nope, this person is NOT for me." To my knowledge, every single person I have ever had the privilege of getting to know well has The Thing. And it's different for everyone, and it's always something that I know would eventually drive me mad if I were to chose to be with that person for eternity.

So, I had hoped that living with Shockin' would let me know what The Thing would be with her. So, I waited. I observed. I queried. And I waited some more. This was sooooo strange. Even with friends I had no crush on I was eventually able to discern The Thing in them. But I couldn't seem to find it in the woman I now happily call my wife. This brought me to the conclusion that it is now time to get some counseling, because, through all my efforts, this crush wasn't going away.

I started journalling and working with a counselor to find a way to be me and be okay with me. I don't want to turn this into my coming out speech. But even with the amazing supportive group of friends and family I have, it was not easy to tell the world that my heart beat faster anytime Shockin' walked into the room.

I want to read to you a page from the journal I was keeping at that time. I'm reading this because I think it's pathetic in an adorable and hilarious way :)

"Yesterday Shockin' had plans to go to Hater's to do Laundry, and she waited to go till I got home... She also invited me to C&T's for the goodbye Nate brunch... I don't really know Nate but I know I like the idea of Shockin' wanting me around. Tonight she was feeling sick so she skipped D&D. She waited in the kitchen while I cooked my dinner then ate her leftover pizza for dinner as we sat on the couch chatting and vegging out. We talked about Darien Lake and she said she'd want me in the same car as her on a roller coaster. She called me her derby twin. But I was busy getting lost in her eyes so I didn't let myself be aware that I'm probably insane... I listened to her breathing when she dozed off... I must be insane, cause I wanted to listen to her breaths more than Invader Zim... I'm enjoying being insane right now."

I wanted to read that to you so that you could see what I see. That even something as ordinary and typical as eating pizza and breathing is beautiful, when it's the person you love that's eating and breathing.

So, I knew I was in love... but how did I know she was the right person to marry?

I love a good argument. I love to throw my knowledge around like sharpened flail. And I LOVE being right!

One day, shortly after we started dating, we found ourselves engaged in a disagreement. The particulars of the situation are not important. What is important is that my words had sharp edges and I threw them around carelessly. Shockin' left the "conversation" and went into her bedroom... It sounded like she was crying, and she was visibly upset.

Usually at this stage in the game I consider myself the winner. I was able to get the other person to eat their words and they are the one who became the emotional mess... so I win. But, for the first time EVER, I didn't feel that way. I actually started to panic a little.

I didn't understand this feeling, but a very clear thought came into my head at that moment. I realized that I care more about Shockin' than I do about winning.

(Pause for dramatic effect)

That, was a really big deal. Of course I went right in and apologized and told her that her feelings are more important than my big words. And over the next few years I practiced putting those words into action. I haven't been perfect, but I plan to have many years to practice :) To me, she is more important than winning.

So, long story short... Once I realized how important Shockin' was to me I knew that I had to ask her to marry me. And I'm really lucky that she said yes :)

... Now as some of you know, There were some people who were invited to our wedding who chose not to come because of their religion. It was very hard for me to hear these RSVPs from people I care so much about. As a nonreligious person it is very difficult for me to understand the perspective of these friends and family members. After much thought I have come to my own understanding of their situation. From my perspective I see that their god loves and accepts based on a certain set of conditions. So, since that belief is so foundational with them, I feel I cannot fault them for showing me the same conditional acceptance and love.

But, I look around here and I see all of you. And I feel the people who wanted to be here, but couldn't. And I just wanted to thank all of you for you unconditional love an acceptance. Words cannot do justice to the kind of happy you all make me feel. Thank you for being part of our day, our lives and our world.

<3

Engaging The Discord Of Life

It's been a while.

A lot has changed.

In February, the second to last post I published, I wrote about my frustrations with illness and my determination to get better. After three months of lingering in sickness the doctors finally decided that I had pneumonia and gave me some antibiotics. I spent the next two months struggling less and less to breathe, until I finally felt healthy. And then, a month ago, I broke my elbow.

Early on in his illness I had some success hand feeding Chance.

During February one of my cats, Chance, became very ill. After many tests he was diagnosed with cancer. We tried to get him to eat and drink. But his breathing became labored, he lost weight and became very dehydrated. On April 7, 2015 we scheduled an appointment to end his wordly suffering. Near the end of his sickness his sister, Leeloo, became less affectionate towards him. She would hiss and growl when he came near. He smelled like medicine, doctors' offices, cancer and death. I understand her fear. But on that Tuesday I laid in the bed with Chance next to me and Leeloo at my feet. I told her this would be her last chance to cuddle with her brother. Much to my surprise and relief, she came up to us, licked Chance's head a couple of times and snuggled up with us.

Last week we learned that one of my girlfriend's cats, Mckenna, has cancer too.

Mckenna likes small places! (That's usually where the tomatoes live)

It's only been three months since we lost Chance. Though that day seems light years away in my mind, my heart thinks it was yesterday.

Chance's last day with me.

This is when Leeloo came to cuddle with us.

And now my grandfather waits to die in hospice care. He lays in bed, in obvious discomfort, and he just wants to go home. I want to be cheerful and helpful around him, but seeing how much he hates where he is kills me. I know I can't take him home, and I don't think anyone else in my family can. This seems to be one of those things that is just going to suck. It makes me so frustrated. It scares me... Watching my family members die reminds me of my own mortality. Someday I will know my grandfather's discontent first hand. And I'm not sure what upsets me more, seeing my grandfather sick and dying, or envisioning my own deathbed.

Me and my grandpa back when I thought he didn't belong in hospice care.

---

Due to illness and injury I have not been able to participate in the sport I love, roller derby. Derby is my outlet, my stress relief. My team is my home, my family of choosing. Though I can be next to them on the bench, I cannot be WITH them on the track. I have felt isolated, alone, sad, depressed, lost, useless, angry, dejected, indignant, and hateful.

I thought I could coast through all of this. I thought I could handle it. But when I felt hate take hold in my heart, I knew that without help I would be lost.

So, I called my counselor yesterday. She is the person who helped me come out and be me. The person who helped me find the courage to tell my fiancee that I liked her. She was on vacation. So now I'm waiting to heal.

I recently told one of my friends that I feel like my life is on pause.

I don't like feeling like I'm on pause. But I'm also not sure which step to take next. There are many paths in front of me, and because I have been reluctant to choose, I have stretched myself so that I can walk all paths at the same time. This is both ineffective and uncomfortable.

If I walk down one path, does that mean I can never go back? Is this the only time my life will be filled with options... With questions?

Of course not!

But that doesn't make it any easier to pick a path and walk it.

Here are my Known Knowns:

1. I love my girlfriend, I want to be married to her and spend the rest of my life with her.

2. I love playing roller derby, Imagining my life without derby is painful.

3. I want to be a mom, I know our kid is out there somewhere, and I just wish we could find him/her.

4. I am lucky to be surrounded by so many loving people (and pets.)

Here are my Known Unknowns:

1. I have no idea how becoming a mom will change my life, but I know my priorities will have to change, this is the scariest thing.

2. Can I still be me without derby?

3. How much more loss can I take this year?... Do I even have a choice?

4. Can I find a job where I feel completely fulfilled... Or should I find peace with what I have?

5. Am I falling apart, or becoming a new me?

And then there are the unknown unknowns... Those guys are jerks!

So, I'm back to writing. I've missed this a lot. Since I no longer use Facebook, please comment on the blog if you'd like your comment to be seen by me. And if you could follow the blog that would ensure you will see the next post when it comes out. I may or may not find a way to get this out without Facebook... But I just can't go back to that world now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back to that. (But that's for another post!)

The Problem With Prosperity

 "Prosperity: The condition of being successful or thriving; especially: economic wellbeing." -Merriam-Webster dictionary

This can go one of two ways:

1. Huh? What's wrong with doing well for myself?
2. Yeah, actually there are MANY problems with prosperity!

Let us examine both of these mental paths.

What IS wrong with prosperity? 

From a very young age most of us are told that we need to make the right choices, and work hard so that we can make a life for ourselves. We are trained to focus on various topics, many of which we find boring, several hours a day through compulsory "education." (Can you smell my bias yet?) We are told that some pursuits are less economically viable than others, "You can't go to college for art! You'll never get a job. How about computer science?!" Yeah... cause that bubble will never burst.

We are surrounded by people who are getting new phones, new cars, buying a different house every 3-5 years, shopping for the latest fashions, filling the living room with piles of presents each December. And we see it all. On Facebook, twitter, instagram, vine and a whole bunch of other social media outlets I know nothing about... myspace? 

Everyone around is doing so well... we need to do better too. We have to buy all organic, enroll our children in a multitude of activities, send them to summer camps, take their soccer team out for ice cream after each game, rent out that bounce house place for all the kids in their class for each birthday, buy new shoes constantly, and keep the labels on the clothes and accessories fresh. Our kids need phones and tablets and game systems so that our house is the "fun" house.

We have to go out to eat with our family, coworkers, friends, neighbors, children's friend's parents... We need to go on cruises and to epic theme parks and far away places and share all those photos so everyone can see that we did it! That we are PROSPEROUS!

And all of this takes one very important thing.

Money.

The reason prosperity is a problem is because being prosperous is an elusive goal.

Having money often makes us want to have more money. Each year we hope for a raise or a bonus or a new job with more upward mobility.

What's wrong with economic success? It breeds a ceaseless pursuit for more.

And yet more money isn't necessarily going to improve our lives.

Almost two years ago I lost my job. A job where I was making VERY good money. And now I make a very modest income. I could make more money. But when I remember the stress, anguish and overall discontent that accompanied my previous occupation I realize how much happier I am with less.

---

Next question. How can there be just ONE problem with prosperity? I mean, look at those lists at the top of the page. The numerous things we do in the hunt for prosperity. It seems like the list of problems with prosperity should be as endless.

Note: I am a citizen of The United States of America. And as such my examples reflect typical experiences of a citizen of my country. I am aware that in other places life is quite different and many of these issues won't apply. Context is important, and I want you to know mine.

I can have pretty much any food item I want, at any time of day, for a low, low price! In the dead of the winter I can have my pick of amazingly beautiful fresh produce from all around the world. In the middle of the night numerous restaurants are open and many deliver! There is even a place a few blocks away from my home that will deliver warm cookies until 3am!

So, what's wrong with this? Easy access to food is good right? At least we aren't starving! Micronutrient deficiency means that even though we are eating a lot of calories, many of us are missing important nutrients. So while many Americans may be well fed, they are also undernourished. We have so many foods to choose from, making the decision to eat the right foods (Which is different for each person) often quite difficult.

I can go to any story and buy a ton of really neat stuff for very little money. There are sale racks year around, the dollar bin, the dollar STORE, membership discounts, rewards points etc. All of these mechanisms make it easier and easier to bring more stuff into my home. 

Yet with more stuff each thing has less value. Or maybe that's just how I see it. I only have enough space in my head to care about a finite number of things. Think about Little House on the Prairie... when Laura and Mary were so excited to get their own tin cups for Christmas. These people had so little, that something we think so little about, was so important to them.

I'm not saying we would all be happier if we lived in an empty cabin in the middle of nowhere dreaming about cups. But the alternative we have created where we watch people de-hoard their house for entertainment is also not ideal.

And it's not just hoarding stuff that is so easy and dangerous. Many people also hoard money. They hoard it while they look for the next great investment opportunity. Because making money become MORE money is the most important thing. (so much sarcasm there fyi)

So. Those are all pretty awful. But this blogger says she has identified THE problem with prosperity. So what, from her dirty-hippie-love-everyone-we-can-do-this-if-we-work-together perspective is THE problem?

The problem is, that with prosperity comes distance.

Most of us lucky enough to be born to the "right" situation are so out of touch with those who are born to the rockiest of situations. We blame children and families for their economic and educational stagnation. We credit our successes to our own will and grit. All the time ignoring the power that comes from who gave birth to us.

---

I see a world where we work together to build a home for all of us. Where we reach out and help each other when luck kicks us in the face. Where we realize that working for just our own prosperity is working against the prosperity of us.

Imagine a sports team where only three of the 20 players are allowed to practice. What happens at game time? That team loses. But the team that includes all of the players in all of the drills as equally as each individual player's abilities will allow... That team will win. Everyone on that team will win.

Roc City Roller Derby, my league, winning!

Feeling Lucky To Be Sick

This cough has been my recurrent companion for nearly three months now. Perhaps it's bronchitis, or pneumonia, or just some very stubborn pathogen that finds the base of my lungs to be the ideal vacation spot! Either way, it makes breathing stressful, and annoying and makes me sound like an 89 year old lifelong Lucky Strikes addict.

So, of course, I took to Facebook to complain. Because that is the most efficient way to spread misery these days. And perhaps one of the primary functions of social media as well.

I don't really know why I had to write that post. I was sad I hadn't been running (partly by choice, and partly due to the eight million feet of snow outside my door) and I figured this not-breathing-well thing made a great excuse, so I'd let it spread. The very first comment came from a friend of mine, he wrote, "I speak from experience here, [running] is pretty much the last thing you should do."

A note on his experience, my friend has cystic fibrosis. If you are unfamiliar with this condition, and allergic to Internet searches, here is the first sentence from webMD, "Cystic fibrosis is a life-threatening disorder that causes severe damage to the lungs and digestive system."

Life threatening.

When I first met this friend, I was fascinated with his diagnosis, and asked him an excess of questions... particularly the kind of questions new acquaintances generally steer clear of. (My curiosity typically takes precedence over societal norms)

Another quote from webMD, "Recent improvements in screenings and treatments mean that most people with cystic fibrosis now live into their 20s and 30s, and some are living into their 40s and 50s"

I am in my 30s, and my friend is older than me. He and my fiancee have been friends since college. When he popped up on Facebook she and the rest of her college friends were relieved that he was still alive and kicking. At that time I did not know him, and had never heard of CF, so I thought that was an odd thing to say about someone who was obviously healthy enough to go to college... I mean, of course he is fine.

It's so easy to take life and health for granted.

----

I play roller derby (have I mentioned that before? ;) and so I've missed some practices recently, and those I have attended have been more of a struggle that usual. Even without a pathogen that's overstayed its welcome, roller derby practice is a struggle, especially when I allow myself focus on our league's skaters who have such grace and finesse on the track.

It's so easy for me to look at them, and then look at me and wonder why I even try. They spin at will, pop up from the ground before they have even landed, hop the apex like it's nothing and every inch of their character exudes confidence. It looks like they are having so much more fun than I am! It looks like their muscles just do what their told... like they never even get tired or hurt!

Of course that is what it LOOKS like.

These women spend so much of their time, money, effort and soul on being fit, strong, smart, calm and focused. And even though I know how hard they work, it's so easy for me to dismiss that and just say they are innately better than me.

It's so easy to take for granted my own abilities and ignore the fact that I don't even lift BRO!

----

I can, and often do, compare myself to those I perceive as better than me, and use that analysis to justify a quiet castigation of my successes (or lack there of.) And of course that's wrong. Of course it allows me to ignore all the hard work THEY did, which I shirk. Of course it does no good for me, and of course I need to stop.

But what I realized today, is how readily I compare myself to someone who (IMO) walks on water and how rarely I compare myself to someone who's situation I'd never want to be in.

I'm so grateful I am not homeless.
I'm so grateful I don't work at a job I hate.
I'm so grateful I'm not in an abusive relationship.
I'm so grateful I'm not drowning in debt.
I'm so grateful I'm not surrounded by people who hate me.
I'm so grateful I'm not a rookie skater anymore.
And I'm so grateful I don't have cystic fibrosis.

I'm so grateful that I will get better.

----

So, why don't we readily compare ourselves to those who's struggles are greater than our own?

Is it because it's uncomfortable? Or because THAT could never happen to us? Or because we don't even think about it?

I think it's privilege.

I am privileged to be healthy. And so I take for granted my health, until I feel the pain of its absence.

But I am so lucky that I'm just sick. And I am lucky to have friends who share their struggles so that I can appreciate what I have.

Thank you.

When Socks Attack!

Cats know too well the evil nature of socks. Hence their ever vigilant hunt!

I've recently started a simplicity group with some of my friends. We plan to gather once a month and talk about why this lifestyle choice is important to us and explore ideas about the things we need help with and the things that are working well for us.

At our first meeting, one of my friends declared that this month she hopes to simplify her family's socks. And I've been thinking about socks ever since!

I have always loved socks. I am very specific about the types of socks I like to wear. They need to be as close to 100% cotton as possible, well fitted so they don't side down often, colors I like and when I find socks that are also not made in a questionable sweatshop I am in heaven! But I have the privilege to be picky... I don't have kids!

My friend and her husband have three young children... so with five people and feet that never seem to stop growing, one begins to comprehend the sock struggle. And yet, this friend of mine is not alone, I have another friend coping with the same problem! She and her husband only have one child, but both families still have a basket full of unmatched socks that seems to grow every week. Tie that up with the Google search, "Too many socks" and you will see this problem is omnipresent!

Too Many Socks!

A couple of weeks ago I read an article about a mother who chose to drastically reduced the amount of clothing her family keeps in rotation. She was discontent with the everlasting supply of laundry chores and desperate for relief. That article inspired me to maximize the minimalist potential of my own small wardrobe. Now I have one full size drawer, one half size drawer and a small shelf of clothing in rotation. I still have about two bins of clothes in the attic... and I'm sure half of it will be decluttered soon... perhaps today.

This is where I store ALL of the clothes I currently wear.
On the left you will see my 3 long-sleeve shirts and my 7 t-shirts, then my sweater and my 2 pairs of pants, then my running clothes and derby clothes.
In the middle you see my sports bras and underwear (OMG! Now the world knows I wear underwear!!!) and my socks (running, derby, normal and dress/tights... not sure why I have those)
Finally a small shelf with two pairs of PJs, painting clothes and my reflective vest for running and biking.

I took those pictures today, and I last did laundry about 2 days ago, so some of the clothes are missing... but you get the picture.

I've only been using this minimalist wardrobe for a little over a week. It seems preliminary to talk results, but I would like to share some of my initial impressions. 

- I like how my drawers look, how easy it is to see my belongings and that I only have a few places to look to find them.

- Since I only kept seven t-shirts, I get to wear my favorite shirt every day! When I take today's shirt off the pile I am so happy to see what I will be wearing tomorrow!

- I have DRASTICALLY reduced the amount of exercise clothes I keep in rotation. I am not sure if this will work, but I do tend to air out my workout clothes and wear them more than once... I mean, I'm about to get really stinky anyway, so who cares!

- I also rewear my PJs for a couple of days, and since I plan to do my laundry once every 3-4 days, this should be okay. 

- I love all of the socks I currently own... it makes me very happy that I don't have to wear lesser socks just because my clean ones are waiting in the dirty laundry.

Recently my fiancee told me that she gets a little sad when she opens her drawer full of freshly laundered clothes, pulls our her favorite shirt and then retires it to the dirty clothes basket for the next week or so while we procrastinate the chore of laundry. I like the fact that I have given myself the freedom to be happy with less, by focusing on what I have and love.

What do you think? Could this work for you? I'd love to read some thoughts :)

The Thrill Of Experimenting With Less!

I've been reading minimalism lifestyle blogs for several months now. Slowly I've been going through my belongings and bringing car and TRUCK loads of stuff to Goodwill. Now I'm working on diving in deeper.

Experiment - Less Inauthentic Interactions

I love people. I love you! Yes... even YOU!! So it should come as no surprise that over the last seven years since I first started to use Facebook I have have struggled with an addiction to it.

I first started to use Facebook while I was living in South Korea. I used it to stay in contact with friends and family, and to play this addicting little farm game because I really missed having my own dirt to dig in. My mom and I played the game together, and we would visit each other's farms while chatting online. I would watch as my mother's avatar walked around my farm... I'd walk my avatar up to hers and type that I was waving. Now this all seems really sad and pathetic. But I missed my family, and this was one of the few ways I had to connect with them while living abroad.

When I moved back home and into my parents' house I immediately dug up a large portion of their backyard and planted my first farm! I was so proud of that farm :)

I used to have really long hair!

I got through jet lag with early morning runs and late night Facebook binging. Now I had a lot of friends in South Korea I needed to maintain contact with. A few months after moving back home I started playing roller derby and my friend list exploded! I had all of these new friends that I knew nothing about and Facebook was my line-in to their worlds. I could browse their photos, ruminate on their words and analyze their "likes."

Now my addiction was set.

Spending two hours a day, or more, was completely reasonable... I might miss someone's birthday. I might miss that cute video of their kid that everyone will be talking about tomorrow. I might miss the photo of their brunch. I might miss their angry rant about evil co-workers, always a good opportunity to commiserate and bond. I might miss a new friend, or a message! Could you imagine if one of my "friends" had to wait for a response? I mean, it's not like they could call me or anything... they don't have my number... we're not friends like THAT.

I've tried to stay away for a week or two, or a month even... Then I started blogging and used the blog as an excuse to log on to the Face... I  mean, who will read this if I don't share it with my "friends?"

I've learned one very important thing from my short Facebook vacations. I am happier when I do not check Facebook.

I know that my experience is not everyone's experience... But for me, Facebook often showcases the things I don't have. I see gatherings I wasn't invited to. New toys I can't afford. Pictures of food at restaurants I can't afford to visit. Achievements my friends have made, that I have not.

I know this is not the fault of Facebook, or my friends. I know that it is because I struggle with accepting that I am enough. Most people are surprised to know that about me. But it's the truth. And it's something I am not going to mess around with any more.

Like an alcoholic needs to put limits on their exposure to bars, I to need to put limits on inauthentic interactions with the people I love. Instead I will meet you and I will hear you. I will spend time with you in a room. And everything else is a distraction.

I have some other experiments I am working on this month:
- Minimalist wardrobe and laundry
- Simplify group meetings
- Email minimalism
- Kitchen declutter
- Shopping minimalism (just once a month, except for fresh food)

And I plan to write about each of these as I experience them. Calling it an experiment makes it easy to change my world... because I'm telling myself it isn't permanent. If at some point in the experiment I decide that this isn't for me, I can just change it to something else. It's much more forgiving, and makes the first step towards being the change less of a hardship.

My First Birthday Without Presents

Lately I am knee deep in my experimentation with minimalism. This quest started seven years ago when I moved to South Korea. In the three weeks prior to the move I sold $3,000 worth of stuff on craigslist, donated car loads to the local thrift shop, and boxed up my books, mementoes and favorite teaching resources for storage.

Everything that remained fit into 5 suitcases (for two people), 2 book bags and 2 cat carriers. Yes, I took my cats to Korea! For nearly the next two years I lived in a tiny one room apartment, sharing it with an ex and the cats. My closet was about 15 inches wide, but very tall. And there were some drawers under the bed. We stowed the collapsable suitcases away and enjoyed all the space.

I LOVED that tiny apartment. It was so easy to clean, it never felt cluttered. There was so much space. I didn't have a storage unit in the basement overflowing with crap I never used... Everything I owned was precious or useful. (It was really easy to live with out and forget about all of the stuff I left in my aunts attic.)

When I returned to The States I lived in a room in my parent's house for about 2 years. So all of my stuff stayed in storage and I was able to continue my minimal lifestyle (though my bedroom was always pretty messy... it was generally just a lot of clothes on the floor.)

Now my fiancee and I own a house, and ALL of our stuff is here. Our attic is packed, our basement has several shelving units crammed with crap and we have bookcases in our living room and bedroom filled with books we never have and may never read. I really thought we paired down before moving in here 1.5 years ago. But there is still so much stuff.

I decided, that along with maintaining a robust decluttering habit I also needed to stem the flow of items into our home... Especially those items we have to need or desire for.

Hence this post, where I asked people to stop giving me gifts. I caused quite a stir but this past Christmas I received very few gifts.

My mother gave us a roller derby themed shower curtain, which has brightened up our tiny bathroom a lot. She said she bought it before she knew I was serious about not wanting gifts. Then she gave me two tins containing homemade vegan treats! I was BEYOND astonished! So delicious, so thoughtful! And then she told me that if I give the tins back to her before the next gift giving occasion I can get more yummy stuff :)

My sister called me at one point before Christmas and asked me if she was allowed to get me a Christmas gift. I told her that she may do as she pleases. But warned her that if the gift does not fit with my lifestyle I may not own it for very long. I know she was excited about the toys she got me, but one has yet to find any use, and the other has spent most of it's time at my friend's house (because she thought it was AWESOME.)

And now I'm back where I started before my initial post about no gifts. I haven't been able to fully part with either of the gifts my sister gave me... not because I find them useful or because I love them... but because my sister, my one and only sister, gave them to me. It's not that I think she would be upset about me getting rid of them, I don't think she would even know about it. But when I look at the items, I think of her, and so they stay. This is crazy, because I have framed pictures of her that I can look at, and she only lives 15 minuets away! So I could just look at the real her... This is why I need to continue on this path... My things still own me in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.

My dad gave me nothing. Sometimes he really gets me.

--

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be halfway through my fourth decade on this planet. Wow... That's a lot of time.

I don't really remember many of the gifts I have received for my birthdays through the years. I do remember an ex taking me to an indoor amusement park on my birthday (winter birthdays generally mean you can't do that sort of thing.) I remember being really little and getting my first cabbage patch doll, and matching pajamas (though I think I remember it mostly because I wet the bed and couldn't sleep in my new PJs.) I remember my first sleepover party when I turned13. I remember driving my family to dinner on my 16th birthday party. I remember my family taking me to Applebees for my 21st birthday, where I ordered some type of cocktail. I remember my 31st birthday party where my friends threw an awesome party and I drank far too much... I still have the TMNT snuggie I got that day. I remember the party I planned for my 33rd birthday that never happened because of a massive snow storm... I was left with a giant vegan cookie cake all to myself... both sad and awesome.

The theme here is when I try really hard to remember my birthdays is that I remember the things I did more than the things I received.

That's why I really want to say, again, that I don't want any gifts. I just want time... Time with my friends, family and me.

Adoption Is A Roller Coaster To Me

Time to toss my heart out to the world again. I just don't want to sit in this room and feel this way.

I've written in the past about our quest to start a family... and how it's no where near as simple or straightforward as I want it to be. However, my fiancee and I are still searching, still hoping to find the child/ren that will complete our family.

But here is the thing... I don't know if I can stand this process any longer. For those of you who know nothing about it, here is how it works:

Step one - attend classes, pay money, get homestudied and meet your case worker.

Step two - look through pages and pages and PAGES of adorable little faces. Read little blurbs about how these children love math or hate spelling, like dogs or are afraid of cats, want to be R&B singers, astronauts, police officers, dancers and doctors when they grow up.

Step three - pick 5

Step four - wait

Step five - wait

Step six - send another email, incase they didn't get the first one... and wait

Step seven - learn, that for one reason or another the child is not a good fit... Either they are allergic to cats, can't leave their state or town, can't be around small children, aren't available anymore, or... well the list is pretty long. Also, sometimes they aren't a good fit because WE aren't skilled enough to cope with some of the child's difficulties. At least we tell ourselves we aren't skilled enough... really, it's just scary. Thinking about what some of these kids have been through, and wondering how I could possible help them heal. Wondering how we can do this...

Step eight - repeat step 2-8 over, and over and over...

Our case worker keeps a list of every child we have ever inquired about. It's crazy how long that list is!

----

Why today? Why am I just sad enough to want to call someone over so I can hide for a minute and cry?

At the beginning of December (nearly 1.5 months ago) our inquiry list was empty. So we filled it up. And as the holiday season rolled past we heard... nothing. As I watched families celebrate together, and watched parents buy gifts for their children, and heard my friends and family talk about their children... how excited they were at christmas. All I could think about was that our kid(s) weren't with us.

I don't know if they even had a christmas. Did they get presents? Did they have a nice family dinner? What did they do on winter break? Did they go any place cool? ... Or... Were they lonely?

Maybe they were in a good foster home, that treats them like family... Or... Maybe they weren't. Maybe they looked on as the biological kids got lots of gifts, and they got clothes... which they should be grateful for... (said with a sarcastic voice)

Maybe... maybe the system hasn't even found them yet! This is the worst thought I can think of... maybe they are still in an abusive, neglectful home...

All I know, is he/she/they were not here.

I spent my holiday watching every one else's families grow... and we are still waiting.

---------

Today we found out that 1 of the 5 children we are inquiring on is not a good fit (I think I will always hate that phrase.) So I went back to step 2. I found two sisters who I TOTALLY fell in love with!!! I sent the link to my fiancee. After forcing her magic phone to cooperate she saw them too, and YES! We both loved them!!! I went to push the "make an inquiry" button... and in the span of 15 minutes... it was gone. "We're sorry, there are already 15 open inquiries on these children... better luck next time!" (Not the actual statement... just my exhausted, sarcastic brain lashing out)

So.

Here we are... again... waiting... searching.

Today I have to force myself to scream, "WE WILL FIND YOU!"

I have to force it today... because I can't believe that this isn't meant to be.

I want to be a mom.

To-Do Lists: The Procrastinator's Morphine

Oh, I love lists.

I love putting things on lists!

It's like doing something without actually doing anything!

GLORIOUS!

Hehe. So, yeah... I am a life long procrastinator. And I am not fond of it. I've tried many times to jump start my productivity with new resolutions, tools, competitions, and "ingenious plans."

And yet, it still took me a DECADE to write my master's thesis... I used all of the excuses:
1. I hate to write.
2. I don't know what to write.
3. What if I write all this and my advisor thinks crap? Then I'd have to start over.
4. What the hell is APA!?
5. I suck at writing.
6. I don't even know why I have to do this... it's not like it will make me a better person, or smarter, or anything... I don't even use my degree now!
7. There are so many other important things I need to do: pay bills, clean the house, cook dinner, work, find work, fix that thing that's been broken for ages... etc.
8. There are so many other awesome things I want to do: play video games, roller derby, hang out with my friends, cuddle on the couch... etc.
9. Oh my gods will this list ever end!!?
10. Seriously, cut it with the list and get back to the post!

Well, I finally did finish that thesis. And it feels good. But along the way I'd say the most important thing I've learned is that to-do lists are bullshit!

I mean... what the hell is the point?

My life is not so busy that I can't just do the stuff that needs to get done. Putting it on a list just allows me to not do that stuff now. But, what if I just did that stuff now?

A few months ago a found a blog called Zen Habits. I really enjoy nearly everything the author writes. And this post had me confused for weeks! It's all about killing your to do list. Just wake up, and pick one thing your are passionate about... and do that.

Well, yeah, I thought he was as crazy as you do. And I just couldn't bring myself to try it. And then I did... Just a little bit... once a week, then twice a week... And a crazy thing happened. I GOT SHIT DONE! :)

I started running regularly.
I started writing in a blog regularly.
I kept much better records for my business.
I started cooking more meals from whole foods.
I took control over our finances and we started saving money!!
And I finished the DAMN THESIS!!!

A bunch of other good stuff happened too, but these ones really jump out at me.

Another amazing thing happened. I am MUCH happier.

There is just something wonderful about waking up and saying, "I'm just gonna do the stuff I want to do, the stuff that makes me happy, the stuff I care about."

I know this sounds insane... And I don't expect anyone to grok it just from reading this... After all, the Tao that can be described is not the everlasting Tao... If you want to truly understand, you must live it.

So, I have a challenge for you.

Pause.

Put life on pause for a minute and ask yourself, "What am I passionate about?"

It may be a hard question to answer if you've not considered it in the past. We spend so much of our life doing what we are expected to do or what we think is "best." We often miss the opportunities to do what we love.

And if doing this seems uncertain, or even scary, then start small. Today I decided that I am passionate about enjoying the company of the people I will encounter today. The end result is a day of joy :)

On a larger scale I have found that I am passionate about health (mine and that of others), having meaningful relationships, challenging myself, and saving the world ;)

I'd love to know what you are passionate about. Tell me. Tell others! Let everyone know you are doing what you are passionate about.

You won't need a list if you are following your dreams :)
And you won't want to procrastinate when the tasks are what you WANT to do.

Enjoy.