My First Birthday Without Presents

Lately I am knee deep in my experimentation with minimalism. This quest started seven years ago when I moved to South Korea. In the three weeks prior to the move I sold $3,000 worth of stuff on craigslist, donated car loads to the local thrift shop, and boxed up my books, mementoes and favorite teaching resources for storage.

Everything that remained fit into 5 suitcases (for two people), 2 book bags and 2 cat carriers. Yes, I took my cats to Korea! For nearly the next two years I lived in a tiny one room apartment, sharing it with an ex and the cats. My closet was about 15 inches wide, but very tall. And there were some drawers under the bed. We stowed the collapsable suitcases away and enjoyed all the space.

I LOVED that tiny apartment. It was so easy to clean, it never felt cluttered. There was so much space. I didn't have a storage unit in the basement overflowing with crap I never used... Everything I owned was precious or useful. (It was really easy to live with out and forget about all of the stuff I left in my aunts attic.)

When I returned to The States I lived in a room in my parent's house for about 2 years. So all of my stuff stayed in storage and I was able to continue my minimal lifestyle (though my bedroom was always pretty messy... it was generally just a lot of clothes on the floor.)

Now my fiancee and I own a house, and ALL of our stuff is here. Our attic is packed, our basement has several shelving units crammed with crap and we have bookcases in our living room and bedroom filled with books we never have and may never read. I really thought we paired down before moving in here 1.5 years ago. But there is still so much stuff.

I decided, that along with maintaining a robust decluttering habit I also needed to stem the flow of items into our home... Especially those items we have to need or desire for.

Hence this post, where I asked people to stop giving me gifts. I caused quite a stir but this past Christmas I received very few gifts.

My mother gave us a roller derby themed shower curtain, which has brightened up our tiny bathroom a lot. She said she bought it before she knew I was serious about not wanting gifts. Then she gave me two tins containing homemade vegan treats! I was BEYOND astonished! So delicious, so thoughtful! And then she told me that if I give the tins back to her before the next gift giving occasion I can get more yummy stuff :)

My sister called me at one point before Christmas and asked me if she was allowed to get me a Christmas gift. I told her that she may do as she pleases. But warned her that if the gift does not fit with my lifestyle I may not own it for very long. I know she was excited about the toys she got me, but one has yet to find any use, and the other has spent most of it's time at my friend's house (because she thought it was AWESOME.)

And now I'm back where I started before my initial post about no gifts. I haven't been able to fully part with either of the gifts my sister gave me... not because I find them useful or because I love them... but because my sister, my one and only sister, gave them to me. It's not that I think she would be upset about me getting rid of them, I don't think she would even know about it. But when I look at the items, I think of her, and so they stay. This is crazy, because I have framed pictures of her that I can look at, and she only lives 15 minuets away! So I could just look at the real her... This is why I need to continue on this path... My things still own me in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.

My dad gave me nothing. Sometimes he really gets me.

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Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be halfway through my fourth decade on this planet. Wow... That's a lot of time.

I don't really remember many of the gifts I have received for my birthdays through the years. I do remember an ex taking me to an indoor amusement park on my birthday (winter birthdays generally mean you can't do that sort of thing.) I remember being really little and getting my first cabbage patch doll, and matching pajamas (though I think I remember it mostly because I wet the bed and couldn't sleep in my new PJs.) I remember my first sleepover party when I turned13. I remember driving my family to dinner on my 16th birthday party. I remember my family taking me to Applebees for my 21st birthday, where I ordered some type of cocktail. I remember my 31st birthday party where my friends threw an awesome party and I drank far too much... I still have the TMNT snuggie I got that day. I remember the party I planned for my 33rd birthday that never happened because of a massive snow storm... I was left with a giant vegan cookie cake all to myself... both sad and awesome.

The theme here is when I try really hard to remember my birthdays is that I remember the things I did more than the things I received.

That's why I really want to say, again, that I don't want any gifts. I just want time... Time with my friends, family and me.

Adoption Is A Roller Coaster To Me

Time to toss my heart out to the world again. I just don't want to sit in this room and feel this way.

I've written in the past about our quest to start a family... and how it's no where near as simple or straightforward as I want it to be. However, my fiancee and I are still searching, still hoping to find the child/ren that will complete our family.

But here is the thing... I don't know if I can stand this process any longer. For those of you who know nothing about it, here is how it works:

Step one - attend classes, pay money, get homestudied and meet your case worker.

Step two - look through pages and pages and PAGES of adorable little faces. Read little blurbs about how these children love math or hate spelling, like dogs or are afraid of cats, want to be R&B singers, astronauts, police officers, dancers and doctors when they grow up.

Step three - pick 5

Step four - wait

Step five - wait

Step six - send another email, incase they didn't get the first one... and wait

Step seven - learn, that for one reason or another the child is not a good fit... Either they are allergic to cats, can't leave their state or town, can't be around small children, aren't available anymore, or... well the list is pretty long. Also, sometimes they aren't a good fit because WE aren't skilled enough to cope with some of the child's difficulties. At least we tell ourselves we aren't skilled enough... really, it's just scary. Thinking about what some of these kids have been through, and wondering how I could possible help them heal. Wondering how we can do this...

Step eight - repeat step 2-8 over, and over and over...

Our case worker keeps a list of every child we have ever inquired about. It's crazy how long that list is!

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Why today? Why am I just sad enough to want to call someone over so I can hide for a minute and cry?

At the beginning of December (nearly 1.5 months ago) our inquiry list was empty. So we filled it up. And as the holiday season rolled past we heard... nothing. As I watched families celebrate together, and watched parents buy gifts for their children, and heard my friends and family talk about their children... how excited they were at christmas. All I could think about was that our kid(s) weren't with us.

I don't know if they even had a christmas. Did they get presents? Did they have a nice family dinner? What did they do on winter break? Did they go any place cool? ... Or... Were they lonely?

Maybe they were in a good foster home, that treats them like family... Or... Maybe they weren't. Maybe they looked on as the biological kids got lots of gifts, and they got clothes... which they should be grateful for... (said with a sarcastic voice)

Maybe... maybe the system hasn't even found them yet! This is the worst thought I can think of... maybe they are still in an abusive, neglectful home...

All I know, is he/she/they were not here.

I spent my holiday watching every one else's families grow... and we are still waiting.

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Today we found out that 1 of the 5 children we are inquiring on is not a good fit (I think I will always hate that phrase.) So I went back to step 2. I found two sisters who I TOTALLY fell in love with!!! I sent the link to my fiancee. After forcing her magic phone to cooperate she saw them too, and YES! We both loved them!!! I went to push the "make an inquiry" button... and in the span of 15 minutes... it was gone. "We're sorry, there are already 15 open inquiries on these children... better luck next time!" (Not the actual statement... just my exhausted, sarcastic brain lashing out)

So.

Here we are... again... waiting... searching.

Today I have to force myself to scream, "WE WILL FIND YOU!"

I have to force it today... because I can't believe that this isn't meant to be.

I want to be a mom.

To-Do Lists: The Procrastinator's Morphine

Oh, I love lists.

I love putting things on lists!

It's like doing something without actually doing anything!

GLORIOUS!

Hehe. So, yeah... I am a life long procrastinator. And I am not fond of it. I've tried many times to jump start my productivity with new resolutions, tools, competitions, and "ingenious plans."

And yet, it still took me a DECADE to write my master's thesis... I used all of the excuses:
1. I hate to write.
2. I don't know what to write.
3. What if I write all this and my advisor thinks crap? Then I'd have to start over.
4. What the hell is APA!?
5. I suck at writing.
6. I don't even know why I have to do this... it's not like it will make me a better person, or smarter, or anything... I don't even use my degree now!
7. There are so many other important things I need to do: pay bills, clean the house, cook dinner, work, find work, fix that thing that's been broken for ages... etc.
8. There are so many other awesome things I want to do: play video games, roller derby, hang out with my friends, cuddle on the couch... etc.
9. Oh my gods will this list ever end!!?
10. Seriously, cut it with the list and get back to the post!

Well, I finally did finish that thesis. And it feels good. But along the way I'd say the most important thing I've learned is that to-do lists are bullshit!

I mean... what the hell is the point?

My life is not so busy that I can't just do the stuff that needs to get done. Putting it on a list just allows me to not do that stuff now. But, what if I just did that stuff now?

A few months ago a found a blog called Zen Habits. I really enjoy nearly everything the author writes. And this post had me confused for weeks! It's all about killing your to do list. Just wake up, and pick one thing your are passionate about... and do that.

Well, yeah, I thought he was as crazy as you do. And I just couldn't bring myself to try it. And then I did... Just a little bit... once a week, then twice a week... And a crazy thing happened. I GOT SHIT DONE! :)

I started running regularly.
I started writing in a blog regularly.
I kept much better records for my business.
I started cooking more meals from whole foods.
I took control over our finances and we started saving money!!
And I finished the DAMN THESIS!!!

A bunch of other good stuff happened too, but these ones really jump out at me.

Another amazing thing happened. I am MUCH happier.

There is just something wonderful about waking up and saying, "I'm just gonna do the stuff I want to do, the stuff that makes me happy, the stuff I care about."

I know this sounds insane... And I don't expect anyone to grok it just from reading this... After all, the Tao that can be described is not the everlasting Tao... If you want to truly understand, you must live it.

So, I have a challenge for you.

Pause.

Put life on pause for a minute and ask yourself, "What am I passionate about?"

It may be a hard question to answer if you've not considered it in the past. We spend so much of our life doing what we are expected to do or what we think is "best." We often miss the opportunities to do what we love.

And if doing this seems uncertain, or even scary, then start small. Today I decided that I am passionate about enjoying the company of the people I will encounter today. The end result is a day of joy :)

On a larger scale I have found that I am passionate about health (mine and that of others), having meaningful relationships, challenging myself, and saving the world ;)

I'd love to know what you are passionate about. Tell me. Tell others! Let everyone know you are doing what you are passionate about.

You won't need a list if you are following your dreams :)
And you won't want to procrastinate when the tasks are what you WANT to do.

Enjoy.