Feeling Lucky To Be Sick

This cough has been my recurrent companion for nearly three months now. Perhaps it's bronchitis, or pneumonia, or just some very stubborn pathogen that finds the base of my lungs to be the ideal vacation spot! Either way, it makes breathing stressful, and annoying and makes me sound like an 89 year old lifelong Lucky Strikes addict.

So, of course, I took to Facebook to complain. Because that is the most efficient way to spread misery these days. And perhaps one of the primary functions of social media as well.

I don't really know why I had to write that post. I was sad I hadn't been running (partly by choice, and partly due to the eight million feet of snow outside my door) and I figured this not-breathing-well thing made a great excuse, so I'd let it spread. The very first comment came from a friend of mine, he wrote, "I speak from experience here, [running] is pretty much the last thing you should do."

A note on his experience, my friend has cystic fibrosis. If you are unfamiliar with this condition, and allergic to Internet searches, here is the first sentence from webMD, "Cystic fibrosis is a life-threatening disorder that causes severe damage to the lungs and digestive system."

Life threatening.

When I first met this friend, I was fascinated with his diagnosis, and asked him an excess of questions... particularly the kind of questions new acquaintances generally steer clear of. (My curiosity typically takes precedence over societal norms)

Another quote from webMD, "Recent improvements in screenings and treatments mean that most people with cystic fibrosis now live into their 20s and 30s, and some are living into their 40s and 50s"

I am in my 30s, and my friend is older than me. He and my fiancee have been friends since college. When he popped up on Facebook she and the rest of her college friends were relieved that he was still alive and kicking. At that time I did not know him, and had never heard of CF, so I thought that was an odd thing to say about someone who was obviously healthy enough to go to college... I mean, of course he is fine.

It's so easy to take life and health for granted.

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I play roller derby (have I mentioned that before? ;) and so I've missed some practices recently, and those I have attended have been more of a struggle that usual. Even without a pathogen that's overstayed its welcome, roller derby practice is a struggle, especially when I allow myself focus on our league's skaters who have such grace and finesse on the track.

It's so easy for me to look at them, and then look at me and wonder why I even try. They spin at will, pop up from the ground before they have even landed, hop the apex like it's nothing and every inch of their character exudes confidence. It looks like they are having so much more fun than I am! It looks like their muscles just do what their told... like they never even get tired or hurt!

Of course that is what it LOOKS like.

These women spend so much of their time, money, effort and soul on being fit, strong, smart, calm and focused. And even though I know how hard they work, it's so easy for me to dismiss that and just say they are innately better than me.

It's so easy to take for granted my own abilities and ignore the fact that I don't even lift BRO!

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I can, and often do, compare myself to those I perceive as better than me, and use that analysis to justify a quiet castigation of my successes (or lack there of.) And of course that's wrong. Of course it allows me to ignore all the hard work THEY did, which I shirk. Of course it does no good for me, and of course I need to stop.

But what I realized today, is how readily I compare myself to someone who (IMO) walks on water and how rarely I compare myself to someone who's situation I'd never want to be in.

I'm so grateful I am not homeless.
I'm so grateful I don't work at a job I hate.
I'm so grateful I'm not in an abusive relationship.
I'm so grateful I'm not drowning in debt.
I'm so grateful I'm not surrounded by people who hate me.
I'm so grateful I'm not a rookie skater anymore.
And I'm so grateful I don't have cystic fibrosis.

I'm so grateful that I will get better.

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So, why don't we readily compare ourselves to those who's struggles are greater than our own?

Is it because it's uncomfortable? Or because THAT could never happen to us? Or because we don't even think about it?

I think it's privilege.

I am privileged to be healthy. And so I take for granted my health, until I feel the pain of its absence.

But I am so lucky that I'm just sick. And I am lucky to have friends who share their struggles so that I can appreciate what I have.

Thank you.