Engaging The Discord Of Life

It's been a while.

A lot has changed.

In February, the second to last post I published, I wrote about my frustrations with illness and my determination to get better. After three months of lingering in sickness the doctors finally decided that I had pneumonia and gave me some antibiotics. I spent the next two months struggling less and less to breathe, until I finally felt healthy. And then, a month ago, I broke my elbow.

Early on in his illness I had some success hand feeding Chance.

During February one of my cats, Chance, became very ill. After many tests he was diagnosed with cancer. We tried to get him to eat and drink. But his breathing became labored, he lost weight and became very dehydrated. On April 7, 2015 we scheduled an appointment to end his wordly suffering. Near the end of his sickness his sister, Leeloo, became less affectionate towards him. She would hiss and growl when he came near. He smelled like medicine, doctors' offices, cancer and death. I understand her fear. But on that Tuesday I laid in the bed with Chance next to me and Leeloo at my feet. I told her this would be her last chance to cuddle with her brother. Much to my surprise and relief, she came up to us, licked Chance's head a couple of times and snuggled up with us.

Last week we learned that one of my girlfriend's cats, Mckenna, has cancer too.

Mckenna likes small places! (That's usually where the tomatoes live)

It's only been three months since we lost Chance. Though that day seems light years away in my mind, my heart thinks it was yesterday.

Chance's last day with me.

This is when Leeloo came to cuddle with us.

And now my grandfather waits to die in hospice care. He lays in bed, in obvious discomfort, and he just wants to go home. I want to be cheerful and helpful around him, but seeing how much he hates where he is kills me. I know I can't take him home, and I don't think anyone else in my family can. This seems to be one of those things that is just going to suck. It makes me so frustrated. It scares me... Watching my family members die reminds me of my own mortality. Someday I will know my grandfather's discontent first hand. And I'm not sure what upsets me more, seeing my grandfather sick and dying, or envisioning my own deathbed.

Me and my grandpa back when I thought he didn't belong in hospice care.

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Due to illness and injury I have not been able to participate in the sport I love, roller derby. Derby is my outlet, my stress relief. My team is my home, my family of choosing. Though I can be next to them on the bench, I cannot be WITH them on the track. I have felt isolated, alone, sad, depressed, lost, useless, angry, dejected, indignant, and hateful.

I thought I could coast through all of this. I thought I could handle it. But when I felt hate take hold in my heart, I knew that without help I would be lost.

So, I called my counselor yesterday. She is the person who helped me come out and be me. The person who helped me find the courage to tell my fiancee that I liked her. She was on vacation. So now I'm waiting to heal.

I recently told one of my friends that I feel like my life is on pause.

I don't like feeling like I'm on pause. But I'm also not sure which step to take next. There are many paths in front of me, and because I have been reluctant to choose, I have stretched myself so that I can walk all paths at the same time. This is both ineffective and uncomfortable.

If I walk down one path, does that mean I can never go back? Is this the only time my life will be filled with options... With questions?

Of course not!

But that doesn't make it any easier to pick a path and walk it.

Here are my Known Knowns:

1. I love my girlfriend, I want to be married to her and spend the rest of my life with her.

2. I love playing roller derby, Imagining my life without derby is painful.

3. I want to be a mom, I know our kid is out there somewhere, and I just wish we could find him/her.

4. I am lucky to be surrounded by so many loving people (and pets.)

Here are my Known Unknowns:

1. I have no idea how becoming a mom will change my life, but I know my priorities will have to change, this is the scariest thing.

2. Can I still be me without derby?

3. How much more loss can I take this year?... Do I even have a choice?

4. Can I find a job where I feel completely fulfilled... Or should I find peace with what I have?

5. Am I falling apart, or becoming a new me?

And then there are the unknown unknowns... Those guys are jerks!

So, I'm back to writing. I've missed this a lot. Since I no longer use Facebook, please comment on the blog if you'd like your comment to be seen by me. And if you could follow the blog that would ensure you will see the next post when it comes out. I may or may not find a way to get this out without Facebook... But I just can't go back to that world now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back to that. (But that's for another post!)

The Problem With Prosperity

 "Prosperity: The condition of being successful or thriving; especially: economic wellbeing." -Merriam-Webster dictionary

This can go one of two ways:

1. Huh? What's wrong with doing well for myself?
2. Yeah, actually there are MANY problems with prosperity!

Let us examine both of these mental paths.

What IS wrong with prosperity? 

From a very young age most of us are told that we need to make the right choices, and work hard so that we can make a life for ourselves. We are trained to focus on various topics, many of which we find boring, several hours a day through compulsory "education." (Can you smell my bias yet?) We are told that some pursuits are less economically viable than others, "You can't go to college for art! You'll never get a job. How about computer science?!" Yeah... cause that bubble will never burst.

We are surrounded by people who are getting new phones, new cars, buying a different house every 3-5 years, shopping for the latest fashions, filling the living room with piles of presents each December. And we see it all. On Facebook, twitter, instagram, vine and a whole bunch of other social media outlets I know nothing about... myspace? 

Everyone around is doing so well... we need to do better too. We have to buy all organic, enroll our children in a multitude of activities, send them to summer camps, take their soccer team out for ice cream after each game, rent out that bounce house place for all the kids in their class for each birthday, buy new shoes constantly, and keep the labels on the clothes and accessories fresh. Our kids need phones and tablets and game systems so that our house is the "fun" house.

We have to go out to eat with our family, coworkers, friends, neighbors, children's friend's parents... We need to go on cruises and to epic theme parks and far away places and share all those photos so everyone can see that we did it! That we are PROSPEROUS!

And all of this takes one very important thing.

Money.

The reason prosperity is a problem is because being prosperous is an elusive goal.

Having money often makes us want to have more money. Each year we hope for a raise or a bonus or a new job with more upward mobility.

What's wrong with economic success? It breeds a ceaseless pursuit for more.

And yet more money isn't necessarily going to improve our lives.

Almost two years ago I lost my job. A job where I was making VERY good money. And now I make a very modest income. I could make more money. But when I remember the stress, anguish and overall discontent that accompanied my previous occupation I realize how much happier I am with less.

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Next question. How can there be just ONE problem with prosperity? I mean, look at those lists at the top of the page. The numerous things we do in the hunt for prosperity. It seems like the list of problems with prosperity should be as endless.

Note: I am a citizen of The United States of America. And as such my examples reflect typical experiences of a citizen of my country. I am aware that in other places life is quite different and many of these issues won't apply. Context is important, and I want you to know mine.

I can have pretty much any food item I want, at any time of day, for a low, low price! In the dead of the winter I can have my pick of amazingly beautiful fresh produce from all around the world. In the middle of the night numerous restaurants are open and many deliver! There is even a place a few blocks away from my home that will deliver warm cookies until 3am!

So, what's wrong with this? Easy access to food is good right? At least we aren't starving! Micronutrient deficiency means that even though we are eating a lot of calories, many of us are missing important nutrients. So while many Americans may be well fed, they are also undernourished. We have so many foods to choose from, making the decision to eat the right foods (Which is different for each person) often quite difficult.

I can go to any story and buy a ton of really neat stuff for very little money. There are sale racks year around, the dollar bin, the dollar STORE, membership discounts, rewards points etc. All of these mechanisms make it easier and easier to bring more stuff into my home. 

Yet with more stuff each thing has less value. Or maybe that's just how I see it. I only have enough space in my head to care about a finite number of things. Think about Little House on the Prairie... when Laura and Mary were so excited to get their own tin cups for Christmas. These people had so little, that something we think so little about, was so important to them.

I'm not saying we would all be happier if we lived in an empty cabin in the middle of nowhere dreaming about cups. But the alternative we have created where we watch people de-hoard their house for entertainment is also not ideal.

And it's not just hoarding stuff that is so easy and dangerous. Many people also hoard money. They hoard it while they look for the next great investment opportunity. Because making money become MORE money is the most important thing. (so much sarcasm there fyi)

So. Those are all pretty awful. But this blogger says she has identified THE problem with prosperity. So what, from her dirty-hippie-love-everyone-we-can-do-this-if-we-work-together perspective is THE problem?

The problem is, that with prosperity comes distance.

Most of us lucky enough to be born to the "right" situation are so out of touch with those who are born to the rockiest of situations. We blame children and families for their economic and educational stagnation. We credit our successes to our own will and grit. All the time ignoring the power that comes from who gave birth to us.

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I see a world where we work together to build a home for all of us. Where we reach out and help each other when luck kicks us in the face. Where we realize that working for just our own prosperity is working against the prosperity of us.

Imagine a sports team where only three of the 20 players are allowed to practice. What happens at game time? That team loses. But the team that includes all of the players in all of the drills as equally as each individual player's abilities will allow... That team will win. Everyone on that team will win.

Roc City Roller Derby, my league, winning!

Feeling Lucky To Be Sick

This cough has been my recurrent companion for nearly three months now. Perhaps it's bronchitis, or pneumonia, or just some very stubborn pathogen that finds the base of my lungs to be the ideal vacation spot! Either way, it makes breathing stressful, and annoying and makes me sound like an 89 year old lifelong Lucky Strikes addict.

So, of course, I took to Facebook to complain. Because that is the most efficient way to spread misery these days. And perhaps one of the primary functions of social media as well.

I don't really know why I had to write that post. I was sad I hadn't been running (partly by choice, and partly due to the eight million feet of snow outside my door) and I figured this not-breathing-well thing made a great excuse, so I'd let it spread. The very first comment came from a friend of mine, he wrote, "I speak from experience here, [running] is pretty much the last thing you should do."

A note on his experience, my friend has cystic fibrosis. If you are unfamiliar with this condition, and allergic to Internet searches, here is the first sentence from webMD, "Cystic fibrosis is a life-threatening disorder that causes severe damage to the lungs and digestive system."

Life threatening.

When I first met this friend, I was fascinated with his diagnosis, and asked him an excess of questions... particularly the kind of questions new acquaintances generally steer clear of. (My curiosity typically takes precedence over societal norms)

Another quote from webMD, "Recent improvements in screenings and treatments mean that most people with cystic fibrosis now live into their 20s and 30s, and some are living into their 40s and 50s"

I am in my 30s, and my friend is older than me. He and my fiancee have been friends since college. When he popped up on Facebook she and the rest of her college friends were relieved that he was still alive and kicking. At that time I did not know him, and had never heard of CF, so I thought that was an odd thing to say about someone who was obviously healthy enough to go to college... I mean, of course he is fine.

It's so easy to take life and health for granted.

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I play roller derby (have I mentioned that before? ;) and so I've missed some practices recently, and those I have attended have been more of a struggle that usual. Even without a pathogen that's overstayed its welcome, roller derby practice is a struggle, especially when I allow myself focus on our league's skaters who have such grace and finesse on the track.

It's so easy for me to look at them, and then look at me and wonder why I even try. They spin at will, pop up from the ground before they have even landed, hop the apex like it's nothing and every inch of their character exudes confidence. It looks like they are having so much more fun than I am! It looks like their muscles just do what their told... like they never even get tired or hurt!

Of course that is what it LOOKS like.

These women spend so much of their time, money, effort and soul on being fit, strong, smart, calm and focused. And even though I know how hard they work, it's so easy for me to dismiss that and just say they are innately better than me.

It's so easy to take for granted my own abilities and ignore the fact that I don't even lift BRO!

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I can, and often do, compare myself to those I perceive as better than me, and use that analysis to justify a quiet castigation of my successes (or lack there of.) And of course that's wrong. Of course it allows me to ignore all the hard work THEY did, which I shirk. Of course it does no good for me, and of course I need to stop.

But what I realized today, is how readily I compare myself to someone who (IMO) walks on water and how rarely I compare myself to someone who's situation I'd never want to be in.

I'm so grateful I am not homeless.
I'm so grateful I don't work at a job I hate.
I'm so grateful I'm not in an abusive relationship.
I'm so grateful I'm not drowning in debt.
I'm so grateful I'm not surrounded by people who hate me.
I'm so grateful I'm not a rookie skater anymore.
And I'm so grateful I don't have cystic fibrosis.

I'm so grateful that I will get better.

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So, why don't we readily compare ourselves to those who's struggles are greater than our own?

Is it because it's uncomfortable? Or because THAT could never happen to us? Or because we don't even think about it?

I think it's privilege.

I am privileged to be healthy. And so I take for granted my health, until I feel the pain of its absence.

But I am so lucky that I'm just sick. And I am lucky to have friends who share their struggles so that I can appreciate what I have.

Thank you.

When Socks Attack!

Cats know too well the evil nature of socks. Hence their ever vigilant hunt!

I've recently started a simplicity group with some of my friends. We plan to gather once a month and talk about why this lifestyle choice is important to us and explore ideas about the things we need help with and the things that are working well for us.

At our first meeting, one of my friends declared that this month she hopes to simplify her family's socks. And I've been thinking about socks ever since!

I have always loved socks. I am very specific about the types of socks I like to wear. They need to be as close to 100% cotton as possible, well fitted so they don't side down often, colors I like and when I find socks that are also not made in a questionable sweatshop I am in heaven! But I have the privilege to be picky... I don't have kids!

My friend and her husband have three young children... so with five people and feet that never seem to stop growing, one begins to comprehend the sock struggle. And yet, this friend of mine is not alone, I have another friend coping with the same problem! She and her husband only have one child, but both families still have a basket full of unmatched socks that seems to grow every week. Tie that up with the Google search, "Too many socks" and you will see this problem is omnipresent!

Too Many Socks!

A couple of weeks ago I read an article about a mother who chose to drastically reduced the amount of clothing her family keeps in rotation. She was discontent with the everlasting supply of laundry chores and desperate for relief. That article inspired me to maximize the minimalist potential of my own small wardrobe. Now I have one full size drawer, one half size drawer and a small shelf of clothing in rotation. I still have about two bins of clothes in the attic... and I'm sure half of it will be decluttered soon... perhaps today.

This is where I store ALL of the clothes I currently wear.
On the left you will see my 3 long-sleeve shirts and my 7 t-shirts, then my sweater and my 2 pairs of pants, then my running clothes and derby clothes.
In the middle you see my sports bras and underwear (OMG! Now the world knows I wear underwear!!!) and my socks (running, derby, normal and dress/tights... not sure why I have those)
Finally a small shelf with two pairs of PJs, painting clothes and my reflective vest for running and biking.

I took those pictures today, and I last did laundry about 2 days ago, so some of the clothes are missing... but you get the picture.

I've only been using this minimalist wardrobe for a little over a week. It seems preliminary to talk results, but I would like to share some of my initial impressions. 

- I like how my drawers look, how easy it is to see my belongings and that I only have a few places to look to find them.

- Since I only kept seven t-shirts, I get to wear my favorite shirt every day! When I take today's shirt off the pile I am so happy to see what I will be wearing tomorrow!

- I have DRASTICALLY reduced the amount of exercise clothes I keep in rotation. I am not sure if this will work, but I do tend to air out my workout clothes and wear them more than once... I mean, I'm about to get really stinky anyway, so who cares!

- I also rewear my PJs for a couple of days, and since I plan to do my laundry once every 3-4 days, this should be okay. 

- I love all of the socks I currently own... it makes me very happy that I don't have to wear lesser socks just because my clean ones are waiting in the dirty laundry.

Recently my fiancee told me that she gets a little sad when she opens her drawer full of freshly laundered clothes, pulls our her favorite shirt and then retires it to the dirty clothes basket for the next week or so while we procrastinate the chore of laundry. I like the fact that I have given myself the freedom to be happy with less, by focusing on what I have and love.

What do you think? Could this work for you? I'd love to read some thoughts :)

The Thrill Of Experimenting With Less!

I've been reading minimalism lifestyle blogs for several months now. Slowly I've been going through my belongings and bringing car and TRUCK loads of stuff to Goodwill. Now I'm working on diving in deeper.

Experiment - Less Inauthentic Interactions

I love people. I love you! Yes... even YOU!! So it should come as no surprise that over the last seven years since I first started to use Facebook I have have struggled with an addiction to it.

I first started to use Facebook while I was living in South Korea. I used it to stay in contact with friends and family, and to play this addicting little farm game because I really missed having my own dirt to dig in. My mom and I played the game together, and we would visit each other's farms while chatting online. I would watch as my mother's avatar walked around my farm... I'd walk my avatar up to hers and type that I was waving. Now this all seems really sad and pathetic. But I missed my family, and this was one of the few ways I had to connect with them while living abroad.

When I moved back home and into my parents' house I immediately dug up a large portion of their backyard and planted my first farm! I was so proud of that farm :)

I used to have really long hair!

I got through jet lag with early morning runs and late night Facebook binging. Now I had a lot of friends in South Korea I needed to maintain contact with. A few months after moving back home I started playing roller derby and my friend list exploded! I had all of these new friends that I knew nothing about and Facebook was my line-in to their worlds. I could browse their photos, ruminate on their words and analyze their "likes."

Now my addiction was set.

Spending two hours a day, or more, was completely reasonable... I might miss someone's birthday. I might miss that cute video of their kid that everyone will be talking about tomorrow. I might miss the photo of their brunch. I might miss their angry rant about evil co-workers, always a good opportunity to commiserate and bond. I might miss a new friend, or a message! Could you imagine if one of my "friends" had to wait for a response? I mean, it's not like they could call me or anything... they don't have my number... we're not friends like THAT.

I've tried to stay away for a week or two, or a month even... Then I started blogging and used the blog as an excuse to log on to the Face... I  mean, who will read this if I don't share it with my "friends?"

I've learned one very important thing from my short Facebook vacations. I am happier when I do not check Facebook.

I know that my experience is not everyone's experience... But for me, Facebook often showcases the things I don't have. I see gatherings I wasn't invited to. New toys I can't afford. Pictures of food at restaurants I can't afford to visit. Achievements my friends have made, that I have not.

I know this is not the fault of Facebook, or my friends. I know that it is because I struggle with accepting that I am enough. Most people are surprised to know that about me. But it's the truth. And it's something I am not going to mess around with any more.

Like an alcoholic needs to put limits on their exposure to bars, I to need to put limits on inauthentic interactions with the people I love. Instead I will meet you and I will hear you. I will spend time with you in a room. And everything else is a distraction.

I have some other experiments I am working on this month:
- Minimalist wardrobe and laundry
- Simplify group meetings
- Email minimalism
- Kitchen declutter
- Shopping minimalism (just once a month, except for fresh food)

And I plan to write about each of these as I experience them. Calling it an experiment makes it easy to change my world... because I'm telling myself it isn't permanent. If at some point in the experiment I decide that this isn't for me, I can just change it to something else. It's much more forgiving, and makes the first step towards being the change less of a hardship.

My First Birthday Without Presents

Lately I am knee deep in my experimentation with minimalism. This quest started seven years ago when I moved to South Korea. In the three weeks prior to the move I sold $3,000 worth of stuff on craigslist, donated car loads to the local thrift shop, and boxed up my books, mementoes and favorite teaching resources for storage.

Everything that remained fit into 5 suitcases (for two people), 2 book bags and 2 cat carriers. Yes, I took my cats to Korea! For nearly the next two years I lived in a tiny one room apartment, sharing it with an ex and the cats. My closet was about 15 inches wide, but very tall. And there were some drawers under the bed. We stowed the collapsable suitcases away and enjoyed all the space.

I LOVED that tiny apartment. It was so easy to clean, it never felt cluttered. There was so much space. I didn't have a storage unit in the basement overflowing with crap I never used... Everything I owned was precious or useful. (It was really easy to live with out and forget about all of the stuff I left in my aunts attic.)

When I returned to The States I lived in a room in my parent's house for about 2 years. So all of my stuff stayed in storage and I was able to continue my minimal lifestyle (though my bedroom was always pretty messy... it was generally just a lot of clothes on the floor.)

Now my fiancee and I own a house, and ALL of our stuff is here. Our attic is packed, our basement has several shelving units crammed with crap and we have bookcases in our living room and bedroom filled with books we never have and may never read. I really thought we paired down before moving in here 1.5 years ago. But there is still so much stuff.

I decided, that along with maintaining a robust decluttering habit I also needed to stem the flow of items into our home... Especially those items we have to need or desire for.

Hence this post, where I asked people to stop giving me gifts. I caused quite a stir but this past Christmas I received very few gifts.

My mother gave us a roller derby themed shower curtain, which has brightened up our tiny bathroom a lot. She said she bought it before she knew I was serious about not wanting gifts. Then she gave me two tins containing homemade vegan treats! I was BEYOND astonished! So delicious, so thoughtful! And then she told me that if I give the tins back to her before the next gift giving occasion I can get more yummy stuff :)

My sister called me at one point before Christmas and asked me if she was allowed to get me a Christmas gift. I told her that she may do as she pleases. But warned her that if the gift does not fit with my lifestyle I may not own it for very long. I know she was excited about the toys she got me, but one has yet to find any use, and the other has spent most of it's time at my friend's house (because she thought it was AWESOME.)

And now I'm back where I started before my initial post about no gifts. I haven't been able to fully part with either of the gifts my sister gave me... not because I find them useful or because I love them... but because my sister, my one and only sister, gave them to me. It's not that I think she would be upset about me getting rid of them, I don't think she would even know about it. But when I look at the items, I think of her, and so they stay. This is crazy, because I have framed pictures of her that I can look at, and she only lives 15 minuets away! So I could just look at the real her... This is why I need to continue on this path... My things still own me in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.

My dad gave me nothing. Sometimes he really gets me.

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Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be halfway through my fourth decade on this planet. Wow... That's a lot of time.

I don't really remember many of the gifts I have received for my birthdays through the years. I do remember an ex taking me to an indoor amusement park on my birthday (winter birthdays generally mean you can't do that sort of thing.) I remember being really little and getting my first cabbage patch doll, and matching pajamas (though I think I remember it mostly because I wet the bed and couldn't sleep in my new PJs.) I remember my first sleepover party when I turned13. I remember driving my family to dinner on my 16th birthday party. I remember my family taking me to Applebees for my 21st birthday, where I ordered some type of cocktail. I remember my 31st birthday party where my friends threw an awesome party and I drank far too much... I still have the TMNT snuggie I got that day. I remember the party I planned for my 33rd birthday that never happened because of a massive snow storm... I was left with a giant vegan cookie cake all to myself... both sad and awesome.

The theme here is when I try really hard to remember my birthdays is that I remember the things I did more than the things I received.

That's why I really want to say, again, that I don't want any gifts. I just want time... Time with my friends, family and me.

Adoption Is A Roller Coaster To Me

Time to toss my heart out to the world again. I just don't want to sit in this room and feel this way.

I've written in the past about our quest to start a family... and how it's no where near as simple or straightforward as I want it to be. However, my fiancee and I are still searching, still hoping to find the child/ren that will complete our family.

But here is the thing... I don't know if I can stand this process any longer. For those of you who know nothing about it, here is how it works:

Step one - attend classes, pay money, get homestudied and meet your case worker.

Step two - look through pages and pages and PAGES of adorable little faces. Read little blurbs about how these children love math or hate spelling, like dogs or are afraid of cats, want to be R&B singers, astronauts, police officers, dancers and doctors when they grow up.

Step three - pick 5

Step four - wait

Step five - wait

Step six - send another email, incase they didn't get the first one... and wait

Step seven - learn, that for one reason or another the child is not a good fit... Either they are allergic to cats, can't leave their state or town, can't be around small children, aren't available anymore, or... well the list is pretty long. Also, sometimes they aren't a good fit because WE aren't skilled enough to cope with some of the child's difficulties. At least we tell ourselves we aren't skilled enough... really, it's just scary. Thinking about what some of these kids have been through, and wondering how I could possible help them heal. Wondering how we can do this...

Step eight - repeat step 2-8 over, and over and over...

Our case worker keeps a list of every child we have ever inquired about. It's crazy how long that list is!

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Why today? Why am I just sad enough to want to call someone over so I can hide for a minute and cry?

At the beginning of December (nearly 1.5 months ago) our inquiry list was empty. So we filled it up. And as the holiday season rolled past we heard... nothing. As I watched families celebrate together, and watched parents buy gifts for their children, and heard my friends and family talk about their children... how excited they were at christmas. All I could think about was that our kid(s) weren't with us.

I don't know if they even had a christmas. Did they get presents? Did they have a nice family dinner? What did they do on winter break? Did they go any place cool? ... Or... Were they lonely?

Maybe they were in a good foster home, that treats them like family... Or... Maybe they weren't. Maybe they looked on as the biological kids got lots of gifts, and they got clothes... which they should be grateful for... (said with a sarcastic voice)

Maybe... maybe the system hasn't even found them yet! This is the worst thought I can think of... maybe they are still in an abusive, neglectful home...

All I know, is he/she/they were not here.

I spent my holiday watching every one else's families grow... and we are still waiting.

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Today we found out that 1 of the 5 children we are inquiring on is not a good fit (I think I will always hate that phrase.) So I went back to step 2. I found two sisters who I TOTALLY fell in love with!!! I sent the link to my fiancee. After forcing her magic phone to cooperate she saw them too, and YES! We both loved them!!! I went to push the "make an inquiry" button... and in the span of 15 minutes... it was gone. "We're sorry, there are already 15 open inquiries on these children... better luck next time!" (Not the actual statement... just my exhausted, sarcastic brain lashing out)

So.

Here we are... again... waiting... searching.

Today I have to force myself to scream, "WE WILL FIND YOU!"

I have to force it today... because I can't believe that this isn't meant to be.

I want to be a mom.