Engaging The Discord Of Life

It's been a while.

A lot has changed.

In February, the second to last post I published, I wrote about my frustrations with illness and my determination to get better. After three months of lingering in sickness the doctors finally decided that I had pneumonia and gave me some antibiotics. I spent the next two months struggling less and less to breathe, until I finally felt healthy. And then, a month ago, I broke my elbow.

Early on in his illness I had some success hand feeding Chance.

During February one of my cats, Chance, became very ill. After many tests he was diagnosed with cancer. We tried to get him to eat and drink. But his breathing became labored, he lost weight and became very dehydrated. On April 7, 2015 we scheduled an appointment to end his wordly suffering. Near the end of his sickness his sister, Leeloo, became less affectionate towards him. She would hiss and growl when he came near. He smelled like medicine, doctors' offices, cancer and death. I understand her fear. But on that Tuesday I laid in the bed with Chance next to me and Leeloo at my feet. I told her this would be her last chance to cuddle with her brother. Much to my surprise and relief, she came up to us, licked Chance's head a couple of times and snuggled up with us.

Last week we learned that one of my girlfriend's cats, Mckenna, has cancer too.

Mckenna likes small places! (That's usually where the tomatoes live)

It's only been three months since we lost Chance. Though that day seems light years away in my mind, my heart thinks it was yesterday.

Chance's last day with me.

This is when Leeloo came to cuddle with us.

And now my grandfather waits to die in hospice care. He lays in bed, in obvious discomfort, and he just wants to go home. I want to be cheerful and helpful around him, but seeing how much he hates where he is kills me. I know I can't take him home, and I don't think anyone else in my family can. This seems to be one of those things that is just going to suck. It makes me so frustrated. It scares me... Watching my family members die reminds me of my own mortality. Someday I will know my grandfather's discontent first hand. And I'm not sure what upsets me more, seeing my grandfather sick and dying, or envisioning my own deathbed.

Me and my grandpa back when I thought he didn't belong in hospice care.

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Due to illness and injury I have not been able to participate in the sport I love, roller derby. Derby is my outlet, my stress relief. My team is my home, my family of choosing. Though I can be next to them on the bench, I cannot be WITH them on the track. I have felt isolated, alone, sad, depressed, lost, useless, angry, dejected, indignant, and hateful.

I thought I could coast through all of this. I thought I could handle it. But when I felt hate take hold in my heart, I knew that without help I would be lost.

So, I called my counselor yesterday. She is the person who helped me come out and be me. The person who helped me find the courage to tell my fiancee that I liked her. She was on vacation. So now I'm waiting to heal.

I recently told one of my friends that I feel like my life is on pause.

I don't like feeling like I'm on pause. But I'm also not sure which step to take next. There are many paths in front of me, and because I have been reluctant to choose, I have stretched myself so that I can walk all paths at the same time. This is both ineffective and uncomfortable.

If I walk down one path, does that mean I can never go back? Is this the only time my life will be filled with options... With questions?

Of course not!

But that doesn't make it any easier to pick a path and walk it.

Here are my Known Knowns:

1. I love my girlfriend, I want to be married to her and spend the rest of my life with her.

2. I love playing roller derby, Imagining my life without derby is painful.

3. I want to be a mom, I know our kid is out there somewhere, and I just wish we could find him/her.

4. I am lucky to be surrounded by so many loving people (and pets.)

Here are my Known Unknowns:

1. I have no idea how becoming a mom will change my life, but I know my priorities will have to change, this is the scariest thing.

2. Can I still be me without derby?

3. How much more loss can I take this year?... Do I even have a choice?

4. Can I find a job where I feel completely fulfilled... Or should I find peace with what I have?

5. Am I falling apart, or becoming a new me?

And then there are the unknown unknowns... Those guys are jerks!

So, I'm back to writing. I've missed this a lot. Since I no longer use Facebook, please comment on the blog if you'd like your comment to be seen by me. And if you could follow the blog that would ensure you will see the next post when it comes out. I may or may not find a way to get this out without Facebook... But I just can't go back to that world now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back to that. (But that's for another post!)