Adoption Is A Roller Coaster To Me

Time to toss my heart out to the world again. I just don't want to sit in this room and feel this way.

I've written in the past about our quest to start a family... and how it's no where near as simple or straightforward as I want it to be. However, my fiancee and I are still searching, still hoping to find the child/ren that will complete our family.

But here is the thing... I don't know if I can stand this process any longer. For those of you who know nothing about it, here is how it works:

Step one - attend classes, pay money, get homestudied and meet your case worker.

Step two - look through pages and pages and PAGES of adorable little faces. Read little blurbs about how these children love math or hate spelling, like dogs or are afraid of cats, want to be R&B singers, astronauts, police officers, dancers and doctors when they grow up.

Step three - pick 5

Step four - wait

Step five - wait

Step six - send another email, incase they didn't get the first one... and wait

Step seven - learn, that for one reason or another the child is not a good fit... Either they are allergic to cats, can't leave their state or town, can't be around small children, aren't available anymore, or... well the list is pretty long. Also, sometimes they aren't a good fit because WE aren't skilled enough to cope with some of the child's difficulties. At least we tell ourselves we aren't skilled enough... really, it's just scary. Thinking about what some of these kids have been through, and wondering how I could possible help them heal. Wondering how we can do this...

Step eight - repeat step 2-8 over, and over and over...

Our case worker keeps a list of every child we have ever inquired about. It's crazy how long that list is!

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Why today? Why am I just sad enough to want to call someone over so I can hide for a minute and cry?

At the beginning of December (nearly 1.5 months ago) our inquiry list was empty. So we filled it up. And as the holiday season rolled past we heard... nothing. As I watched families celebrate together, and watched parents buy gifts for their children, and heard my friends and family talk about their children... how excited they were at christmas. All I could think about was that our kid(s) weren't with us.

I don't know if they even had a christmas. Did they get presents? Did they have a nice family dinner? What did they do on winter break? Did they go any place cool? ... Or... Were they lonely?

Maybe they were in a good foster home, that treats them like family... Or... Maybe they weren't. Maybe they looked on as the biological kids got lots of gifts, and they got clothes... which they should be grateful for... (said with a sarcastic voice)

Maybe... maybe the system hasn't even found them yet! This is the worst thought I can think of... maybe they are still in an abusive, neglectful home...

All I know, is he/she/they were not here.

I spent my holiday watching every one else's families grow... and we are still waiting.

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Today we found out that 1 of the 5 children we are inquiring on is not a good fit (I think I will always hate that phrase.) So I went back to step 2. I found two sisters who I TOTALLY fell in love with!!! I sent the link to my fiancee. After forcing her magic phone to cooperate she saw them too, and YES! We both loved them!!! I went to push the "make an inquiry" button... and in the span of 15 minutes... it was gone. "We're sorry, there are already 15 open inquiries on these children... better luck next time!" (Not the actual statement... just my exhausted, sarcastic brain lashing out)

So.

Here we are... again... waiting... searching.

Today I have to force myself to scream, "WE WILL FIND YOU!"

I have to force it today... because I can't believe that this isn't meant to be.

I want to be a mom.