First the disclaimer: I'm not writing this post to tell you how you should do or should have done things. While I was pregnant I read many of these types of articles and most of them didn't really match with how I wanted to raise my children... So I think I should share my experience, ideas and reflections just in case there is someone out there who wants to do things the way we do things.
My girls are almost four months old, and a few weeks ago I felt like we were coming out of a dark tunnel! The first three months are hard... It really is all about survival.
I gave up on the following things:
A clean home
Regular showers
Exercise
Making all of my food from scratch
Going to friend's houses
Working a job
Reading books
Watching TV
Playing video games
Crafting
Helping other people
Doing it all on my own
These are things I'd like to get back into my life, and though we are moving past the survival stage, this is still pretty hard.
I've broken this article up into five sections:
Sleep and Feeding
Mental health
Self care
Asking for help
Baby gear and diapers
Sleep and Feeding
Here is what I had planned. We would have our bed on the floor with a crib mattress next to it. The babies would sleep on the crib mattress next to us. I would bring them into our bed to nurse them then return them to their mattress for sleep. There is a crib mattress in the floor in their room, and that's where they will nap during the day.
That was the plan... One of these days I might just realise that plans are for suckers!
Here is what actually happened. When E came home after 33 days in the NICU I tried to sleep next to her, but I couldn't. She would grunt and call out in her sleep. And I woke up at the tiniest noise! I was so tired and still healing. So she stated sleeping in her room. She would cry when she was hungry and we'd get up to give her a bottle, then put her back in her room... Then, after 39 days in the NICU, W joined her sister in their room.
After 2 weeks of waking up to screaming babies, warming bottles and pumping while giving bottles my wife and I were both exhausted. I began to show signs of postpartum depression. This was not working.
After meeting with my doctor and a counselor we decided that the six hour breastfeeding window that E was allowed was too restricting for me. They gave me the go-ahead to nurse her as much as I wanted and we now had weekly visits to check her weight.
Slowly I nursed E more and more, and eventually at night too. W still had not latched so we would wake up at night to nurse E, bottle feed W and then I would pump for W before returning to bed. This was still exhausting, but one of my babies was nursing full time, this kept my spirits high :)
By the time the girls were 2 months old they were back to the crib mattress beside our bed. And after a week of lots of skin to skin W was nursing full time too!! Now I started bringing the girls into bed to nurse them. I'd keep one on the crib mattress and one on our mattress with my back to my wife. I'd lay next to which ever baby woke up and nurse her while laying down. It was very uncomfortable to lay on the crib mattress so eventually both girls came into the bed and my wife moved to a couch near our bed. This is when things really started to work!
Now at about 9pm we double diaper the girls and I bring one to bed with me while one snugles with my wife. I nurse the first baby to sleep and if the second baby didn't fall asleep in my wife's arms I now nurse that baby to sleep. That's usually when I pass out. My wife often stays up to play video games or watch a show, because self care and me time is important for everyone!
I nurse the girls on demand through the night... Barely waking up each time to latch them then passing back out. After the 5-6ish AM feed I get out of bed to pump. I make extra milk at night and I don't want it to go to waste. Some times the girls sleep until 7 or 8, sometimes they don't. When they wake up my wife gets them so I can finish pumping or eating my breakfast.
Then I nurse them on demand through the day. We still haven't figured out how to do daytime naps... But I'm sure that will come in time!
Mental Health
I mentioned above that I developed postpartum depression when my babies were one month old. I'm not sure why it took that long to hit me. Maybe I was still in shock from their stressful birth, my painful recovery and the scary NICU stay.
I struggled with depression through my twenties, so I recognised the signs, and I knew I had to get help. I couldn't let this get too bad because I wanted to be there for my babies. I feel very fortunate that I was able to see the signs and strong enough to reach out.
One day my mom was visiting and I walked her out to her car. I hugged her and said, "I know it might look like I've got this... But I really don't!" And I started to cry. She held me tight and said she'd be back tomorrow, and any day I needed her. She still comes over three times a week, I'd be lost without her.
I do not like going to counseling. And I absolutely hate meeting a new therapist. But I forced myself to go. I even tried to take the medicine they gave me, but it changed the taste of my milk and my babies we refusing to nurse and take bottles so my doctor and I decided to end that.
Sitting in front of my therapist I barred my soul and admitted to all the scary dangerous thoughts banging around in my head every Tuesday morning. I'm so lucky to have found such a sweet and carry therapist, I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't found her.
Two months after I started treatment I'm starting to feel like myself again. I wish I had started counseling while my girls were in the NICU. My advice to anyone who has been through a difficult birth is to seek counseling before symptoms erupt.
Self Care
While I was in the darkest weeks of depression I stopped showering, stopped socializing, stayed indoors and stared at my phone. I didn't do anything for me. Even when I ate I did it just to make milk for my babies. And I ate mostly crap.
Working with my therapist I came up with several necessary things to do to take care of myself.
First of all I came up with a plan to return to playing roller derby. Prior to my pregnancy, derby was my life. Today is the third practice I'll be on skates for. It's scary to put those skates on. My body is weak and I'm afraid it will break... But I need to risk that in order to maintain my mental health. I used to be really good at roller derby, and it's hard to stay positive when I struggle so much to get up from the ground. It's hard to believe in myself again. I'm not there yet, but I know I'll get there. It may sound strange, but even something like believing in yourself takes practice. And I'm practicing that a lot these days!
I also found a breastfeeding support group. They meet every week, and I go each time. It's such a wonderful place! Being around such warm and enthusiastic people who are walking a similar yet unique path feels so good. There is even another twin mom there! The other mothers just help me to feel so good about myself, it's like a drug!
I know I need to do more for self care, but I'm afraid to take too much for myself. I have two brand new people to take care of and an amazing partner to love them with. These three people mean the world to me and it's hard to take time away from them. I'm working on it, and I've decided that slowly I'll figure out something that will work for us all
Asking for help
This has always been hard for me.
I'm tough. I'm smart. I'm a problem solver. I don't quit. I'm always better than before...
Except when I'm not...
I also break. I make mistakes. I choose poorly. I make wrong turns and I have given up... For a little bit.
I don't know if it's ego or pride or DNA... But asking for help is hard for me. And now I must remind myself that I'm practicing. I'm not supposed to be good at this yet. I'm just practicing.
One of my friends organized a meal train for us during December. It was so helpful to get some food and not have to do dishes! I've had several friends come over so I could take a nap. My mom was here almost every day for a while. And sometimes when she wasn't here I'd just call her up while the girls were crying and I was alone. Even though she wasn't with me I still felt less alone.
Reaching out is hard. But I can't imagine how I would have gotten through the past four months without all of this help. Thank you.
Baby gear and diapers
And now for the fluff. Which is a pretty literal statement when you cloth diaper your babies.
Here are the things I can't live without:
A large firm mattress bed
Sleep sacks
Clek carseats
Spotify
Breast pump
Nipple butter
Kiki Pura bottle with Lansinoh MOmma nipple
Second hand clothes from friends
Moby
My brestfriend twin Breastfeeding pillow
Nursing bra and pads
Green mountain cotton diaper flats
Rumparooz covers and snapies
Lots of food
Here are things I have an love, but could live without if needed:
Bugaboo donkey twin stroller
Rock n plays
Breastfeeding stool
New cellphone (with a much better camera!)
Wool crib mattresses
Changing table from Craigslist
Custom baby books from etsy
So, as you can see, I'm pretty minimalist with my baby must-haves list.
And just a quick note on diapers. People are often surprised that I cloth diaper twins. It was a choice made partly due to cost and partly due to my belief that cloth is better for babies and the environment. I chose flats because they are cheap and very easy to get clean. In total we spent about $350 for all our diapers wipes and covers. These should keep both of our girls dry until they are potty trained. Washing costs about $100-$200 a year. So that's a pretty big savings. There are many other options, must of them were just too expensive for us. But these diapers work perfectly. And if we didn't bring home super tiny NICU Babies we could have skipped the newborn diapers and saved $80 :)
So that's it. That's how I've survived the first three months. Thank you for reading and I hope this helps someone.
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