Pregnancy: An Epic Mind-fuck

Warning - this post contains expletives.

Once I had started my journey to becoming an adult ("adult" being defined as the period in one's life when one starts accepting responsibility for their choices by using mindful reflection to guide one's thoughts and actions... Which rarely happens until a person's late twenties to early thirties... If, indeed, it ever does happen) I had decided that creating my own humans was unnecessary and unappealing. And because everything in this world, yes even my own  proclamations, is impermanent, when I turned 35 I had begun to consider making my own human. Once my wife agreed we went full steam ahead.

I really had no idea what to expect from pregnancy. I've seen so many people go through it, and each person has seemed to endure the process uniquely. I just assumed I'd be uncomfortable, if not a bit squeamish, for about a year and then I could move on to figuring out parenthood. I never realized how much pregnancy could consume not only my every waking thought but even my half-awake thoughts as I wished for the inoculation of slumber. (As I write this it is 4 AM and I've been awake for at least an hour) Ruminating is just one of those things I've always done, often to excess, and especially when I'm experiencing something new.

My parents said they could see the wheels turning in my head even when I was very young.

Over the last couple of months, as my growing belly has kept this pregnancy more at the forefront of my conscience thought, I've started to develop some opinions about this experience. And you know me, I just love to share ;)

Pregnancy has its own plan, and doesn't inform you of that plan until the action steps have become obvious.

I didn't plan on triplets, or coping with the loss of a three inch long human I'd never meet. I didn't plan on growing so fast that I'd need to beg for clothes I knew I'd grow out of in a month. And, never having experienced much in the way of PMS, I never considered how imprisoned I could feel due to my own hormonal fluctuations and aberrant emotions.

I've often struggled with accepting myself, and over the past few years I have experienced significant growth in this area. Now that I am confronted with an entirely new version of myself I am once again struggling to accept this me. I've been attempting to focus my mental energies on appreciating the beauty of impermanence as I feel everything that is me mutate. Then I am often paralyzed by the question, "Once this metamorphose is complete, who/what will I be?" However, beyond that moment of panic, pregnancy has helped me to be more aware of the ever changing nature of life.

Pregnancy is immobilizing.

After last year (stricken with pneumonia for months, broken elbow, numerous sad events) I thought I knew what it felt like to be incapacitated. And yet through all of last year's barriers I played a lot of derby, ran four half marathons, got married and kept on being me. I thought I had learned what it meant to be tired after jamming four roller derby games in two days, but as usual, life had more to teach me. I am currently 17 weeks pregnant... And although I have had a lot more energy over the past two weeks, I have never felt so exhausted from just sitting around. Of course everyone has been keen to remind me, "You're not doing nothing, you're gestating!"

But it's not just the exhaustion. I've never really said to myself, "Hmm... I wonder if I can do that." In my head it usually sounds like, "I'm gonna try that." I'm sure those probably sound like the same thing, but the former thought can actually prevent someone from doing something, while the latter doesn't. There are so many things I've wanted to do recently that I haven't even tried. And that gets to the heart of my current frustrations. It is this incapacitated mindset that has me truly hamstrung. And I'm not even sure if that's a bad thing (especially when you consider that my idea of a good time is running away from people who are trying to hit me into next week)

Terrifying and exciting. Jamming is like a roller coaster I never have to wait in line for!

And yet, even as I see pregnancy as such a pivotal, life altering experience, one fact cannot be ignored: pregnancy is not uncommon. While I am experiencing this in my own unique way, just as I have experienced all that life has to offer, making humans is still something that an enormous number of people personally experience at some point in their life.

The fact that I'm only halfway through this journey (which, since the average twin birth occurs at 35 weeks gestation, is a statistically accurate statement) has me thinking that I'm writing this post prematurely. What do I even know about pregnancy? This is probably just the tip of the iceberg. It's like a 13 year old writing about their teenage experience.

Though my thoughts be immature, I still see value in sharing them. And I appreciate the time you've spent, sharing this experience with me. Thank you friend.

Me, a few days shy of 17 weeks gestation.