Being "Nice"... While Pregnant... With Multiples

It didn't matter how informed we were of the risks associated with using fertility drugs, we were still surprised. If my blood work had been a magic eight ball, when we asked how likely it is that insemination will work the answer would have been, "Outlook not so good." We had a very short term success our first month without any drugs, but my uterus decided that was just a test run. So we took the doctor's advice, and medicine, and waited month after month as I produced between two and five eggs... and yet nothing happened.

The day before I took the home pregnancy test I played my second to last roller derby game for the season. I definitely felt off. I was MUCH more tired than usual. They tell you to wait two minutes after taking the test before looking... The observational scientist in me couldn't look away. Within ten seconds the stick was screaming PREGNANT! The line couldn't have been more clear, and I was shocked it presented itself so quickly.

The doctors tested my blood and said I had a really good result and asked me to come in for an ultrasound. Now I know that the "really good result" line is code for "a crap-ton of hcg and probably multiples" Going into the ultrasound appointment I was pretty sure we had more than one. And when the doctor started the scan, though I didn't really know what I was looking for, I knew there was a lot more going on in there than was supposed to be gong on.

"Oh no, why does this keep happening to you guys?" said our Doctor, with obvious frustration. He was looking at three tiny embryos and their rapidly beating hearts. The chance for triplets was so incredibly low, especially with the poor numbers I had from the blood work, that though I had thought about it, I hadn't really THOUGHT about it. 

Shocked? I guess that's the best word I can find to explain it now... But keep in mind, these early ultrasounds are done vaginally... so I was already in a rather uncomfortable and awkward position, and now I felt even more naked. I wondered how I should respond. Should I freak out and scream? Hmmm... I think that could result in some kind of horrible ultrasound wand projectile to the face situation for my doctor, and I really like the guy, so no, I couldn't do that. Instead I just waited. How was my wife reacting? I think she was waiting to see how I would react! :) I think we were both a bit frozen. 

My cell phone takes crappy photos. Two embryos are easy to see, the third is hiding in the lower right.

Our doctor took some pictures for us, and apologized for maybe being too aggressive. And said they'd have to watch me closely now. We had just taken a flying leap into the land of high risk pregnancies.

Well, now that you know what my mind has been cluttered with lately now it's time to explain my predicament. Last September my wife and I went to a simplicity conference as part of our honeymoon. At one point in the conference people were encouraged to stand up in front of the group and share their passion. Initially I wasn't planning to share, mostly because I assumed no one would be interested, but as I thought about it I began to feel driven.

My passion is people, in particular, children. And I had just read the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and began to uncover an entirely new understanding of how adults must interact with children if we are to have the kind of world most of us want (peaceful, loving, accepting, innovative, fun, helpful etc.) So, I nervously got up and spoke, you can see the video here if you want to, it's only a few minutes long... and you might enjoy watching me sweat :)

Basically I asked people to be kind to tiny humans a.k.a. children. I tried to express that it is only through our kindness that children can grow to become the kind, loving, self assured people we hope they will become.

And I noticed that in the video notes the convention organizer had listed my blog as a place to learn more about me! So yikes! I had better write something new! 

But what to write? I feel like crap. My head is all over the place. I feel bad for the kids I watch because I spend so much of the day crumpled on the couch in misery or exhaustion. And, though I feel sad to mention it, I have snapped at the tiny humans I love and care for over the past few weeks. So now I felt like a fraud, like a hypocrite! The worst kind of human. Why can't I even take my own advice?!

...

Have you ever learned something new, and even though it was a mind blowing eureka kind of moment you still found yourself forgetting to apply it in the context of the real world? Maybe that's just a normal part of learning something new. But I'm glad I had this post to think about because it reminded me of one of the most important things I've learned recently.

Yes, it is so important to be kind, to give empathy to those in pain. We need to realize that when someone lashes out at us, it is because they are hurting inside, because someone or something lashed out at them. And then, to take it a step further we need to take this inside ourselves and notice that when we lash out at others it is because we are in pain. And if we are in pain, there is an important step for us to do before we try to give empathy to others. We need to give empathy to ourselves.

If we are not filled with love, then how can we give love? If no one is there to hold us and recharge us, then we need to remember that with self-empathy we can recharge ourselves! 

How do we give ourselves empathy? Step one, is to listen. When I'm really upset, I ask myself why... what's going on? Lately I've been scared. There's a lot going on... I think my head is more full than my uterus is! Step two, is to tell me, that I heard me. Sometimes I'll even say to myself, "You're scared because you know how dangerous this is and your health is really important to you, and you're also afraid to lose your children." I remind myself that these are my feelings and that they are valid, and that I can feel them for as long as I want or need to. Step three, hug. For me this usually looks like a peaceful smile when I hug myself with my mind. Repeat as needed. 

This process felt really weird and even phony when I first did it, but I couldn't argue with how much better I felt after that mental counseling session. So now I've got this list that I want to enlarge, print and hang in my house:

1. Be kind.

2. If you can't be kind to someone, remember that they are in pain.

3. If you still can't be kind to them, notice that you are in pain.

4. Acknowledge your own pain, validate it.

5. Love yourself, just as you are.

6. Repeat as necessary.

I hope this can help someone, though I mostly wrote it for myself. Writing helps me process this stuff. I'd be interested in knowing what you think about this, and what helps you process life's more complicated lemons.