My First Birthday Without Presents

Lately I am knee deep in my experimentation with minimalism. This quest started seven years ago when I moved to South Korea. In the three weeks prior to the move I sold $3,000 worth of stuff on craigslist, donated car loads to the local thrift shop, and boxed up my books, mementoes and favorite teaching resources for storage.

Everything that remained fit into 5 suitcases (for two people), 2 book bags and 2 cat carriers. Yes, I took my cats to Korea! For nearly the next two years I lived in a tiny one room apartment, sharing it with an ex and the cats. My closet was about 15 inches wide, but very tall. And there were some drawers under the bed. We stowed the collapsable suitcases away and enjoyed all the space.

I LOVED that tiny apartment. It was so easy to clean, it never felt cluttered. There was so much space. I didn't have a storage unit in the basement overflowing with crap I never used... Everything I owned was precious or useful. (It was really easy to live with out and forget about all of the stuff I left in my aunts attic.)

When I returned to The States I lived in a room in my parent's house for about 2 years. So all of my stuff stayed in storage and I was able to continue my minimal lifestyle (though my bedroom was always pretty messy... it was generally just a lot of clothes on the floor.)

Now my fiancee and I own a house, and ALL of our stuff is here. Our attic is packed, our basement has several shelving units crammed with crap and we have bookcases in our living room and bedroom filled with books we never have and may never read. I really thought we paired down before moving in here 1.5 years ago. But there is still so much stuff.

I decided, that along with maintaining a robust decluttering habit I also needed to stem the flow of items into our home... Especially those items we have to need or desire for.

Hence this post, where I asked people to stop giving me gifts. I caused quite a stir but this past Christmas I received very few gifts.

My mother gave us a roller derby themed shower curtain, which has brightened up our tiny bathroom a lot. She said she bought it before she knew I was serious about not wanting gifts. Then she gave me two tins containing homemade vegan treats! I was BEYOND astonished! So delicious, so thoughtful! And then she told me that if I give the tins back to her before the next gift giving occasion I can get more yummy stuff :)

My sister called me at one point before Christmas and asked me if she was allowed to get me a Christmas gift. I told her that she may do as she pleases. But warned her that if the gift does not fit with my lifestyle I may not own it for very long. I know she was excited about the toys she got me, but one has yet to find any use, and the other has spent most of it's time at my friend's house (because she thought it was AWESOME.)

And now I'm back where I started before my initial post about no gifts. I haven't been able to fully part with either of the gifts my sister gave me... not because I find them useful or because I love them... but because my sister, my one and only sister, gave them to me. It's not that I think she would be upset about me getting rid of them, I don't think she would even know about it. But when I look at the items, I think of her, and so they stay. This is crazy, because I have framed pictures of her that I can look at, and she only lives 15 minuets away! So I could just look at the real her... This is why I need to continue on this path... My things still own me in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.

My dad gave me nothing. Sometimes he really gets me.

--

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be halfway through my fourth decade on this planet. Wow... That's a lot of time.

I don't really remember many of the gifts I have received for my birthdays through the years. I do remember an ex taking me to an indoor amusement park on my birthday (winter birthdays generally mean you can't do that sort of thing.) I remember being really little and getting my first cabbage patch doll, and matching pajamas (though I think I remember it mostly because I wet the bed and couldn't sleep in my new PJs.) I remember my first sleepover party when I turned13. I remember driving my family to dinner on my 16th birthday party. I remember my family taking me to Applebees for my 21st birthday, where I ordered some type of cocktail. I remember my 31st birthday party where my friends threw an awesome party and I drank far too much... I still have the TMNT snuggie I got that day. I remember the party I planned for my 33rd birthday that never happened because of a massive snow storm... I was left with a giant vegan cookie cake all to myself... both sad and awesome.

The theme here is when I try really hard to remember my birthdays is that I remember the things I did more than the things I received.

That's why I really want to say, again, that I don't want any gifts. I just want time... Time with my friends, family and me.

Adoption Is A Roller Coaster To Me

Time to toss my heart out to the world again. I just don't want to sit in this room and feel this way.

I've written in the past about our quest to start a family... and how it's no where near as simple or straightforward as I want it to be. However, my fiancee and I are still searching, still hoping to find the child/ren that will complete our family.

But here is the thing... I don't know if I can stand this process any longer. For those of you who know nothing about it, here is how it works:

Step one - attend classes, pay money, get homestudied and meet your case worker.

Step two - look through pages and pages and PAGES of adorable little faces. Read little blurbs about how these children love math or hate spelling, like dogs or are afraid of cats, want to be R&B singers, astronauts, police officers, dancers and doctors when they grow up.

Step three - pick 5

Step four - wait

Step five - wait

Step six - send another email, incase they didn't get the first one... and wait

Step seven - learn, that for one reason or another the child is not a good fit... Either they are allergic to cats, can't leave their state or town, can't be around small children, aren't available anymore, or... well the list is pretty long. Also, sometimes they aren't a good fit because WE aren't skilled enough to cope with some of the child's difficulties. At least we tell ourselves we aren't skilled enough... really, it's just scary. Thinking about what some of these kids have been through, and wondering how I could possible help them heal. Wondering how we can do this...

Step eight - repeat step 2-8 over, and over and over...

Our case worker keeps a list of every child we have ever inquired about. It's crazy how long that list is!

----

Why today? Why am I just sad enough to want to call someone over so I can hide for a minute and cry?

At the beginning of December (nearly 1.5 months ago) our inquiry list was empty. So we filled it up. And as the holiday season rolled past we heard... nothing. As I watched families celebrate together, and watched parents buy gifts for their children, and heard my friends and family talk about their children... how excited they were at christmas. All I could think about was that our kid(s) weren't with us.

I don't know if they even had a christmas. Did they get presents? Did they have a nice family dinner? What did they do on winter break? Did they go any place cool? ... Or... Were they lonely?

Maybe they were in a good foster home, that treats them like family... Or... Maybe they weren't. Maybe they looked on as the biological kids got lots of gifts, and they got clothes... which they should be grateful for... (said with a sarcastic voice)

Maybe... maybe the system hasn't even found them yet! This is the worst thought I can think of... maybe they are still in an abusive, neglectful home...

All I know, is he/she/they were not here.

I spent my holiday watching every one else's families grow... and we are still waiting.

---------

Today we found out that 1 of the 5 children we are inquiring on is not a good fit (I think I will always hate that phrase.) So I went back to step 2. I found two sisters who I TOTALLY fell in love with!!! I sent the link to my fiancee. After forcing her magic phone to cooperate she saw them too, and YES! We both loved them!!! I went to push the "make an inquiry" button... and in the span of 15 minutes... it was gone. "We're sorry, there are already 15 open inquiries on these children... better luck next time!" (Not the actual statement... just my exhausted, sarcastic brain lashing out)

So.

Here we are... again... waiting... searching.

Today I have to force myself to scream, "WE WILL FIND YOU!"

I have to force it today... because I can't believe that this isn't meant to be.

I want to be a mom.

To-Do Lists: The Procrastinator's Morphine

Oh, I love lists.

I love putting things on lists!

It's like doing something without actually doing anything!

GLORIOUS!

Hehe. So, yeah... I am a life long procrastinator. And I am not fond of it. I've tried many times to jump start my productivity with new resolutions, tools, competitions, and "ingenious plans."

And yet, it still took me a DECADE to write my master's thesis... I used all of the excuses:
1. I hate to write.
2. I don't know what to write.
3. What if I write all this and my advisor thinks crap? Then I'd have to start over.
4. What the hell is APA!?
5. I suck at writing.
6. I don't even know why I have to do this... it's not like it will make me a better person, or smarter, or anything... I don't even use my degree now!
7. There are so many other important things I need to do: pay bills, clean the house, cook dinner, work, find work, fix that thing that's been broken for ages... etc.
8. There are so many other awesome things I want to do: play video games, roller derby, hang out with my friends, cuddle on the couch... etc.
9. Oh my gods will this list ever end!!?
10. Seriously, cut it with the list and get back to the post!

Well, I finally did finish that thesis. And it feels good. But along the way I'd say the most important thing I've learned is that to-do lists are bullshit!

I mean... what the hell is the point?

My life is not so busy that I can't just do the stuff that needs to get done. Putting it on a list just allows me to not do that stuff now. But, what if I just did that stuff now?

A few months ago a found a blog called Zen Habits. I really enjoy nearly everything the author writes. And this post had me confused for weeks! It's all about killing your to do list. Just wake up, and pick one thing your are passionate about... and do that.

Well, yeah, I thought he was as crazy as you do. And I just couldn't bring myself to try it. And then I did... Just a little bit... once a week, then twice a week... And a crazy thing happened. I GOT SHIT DONE! :)

I started running regularly.
I started writing in a blog regularly.
I kept much better records for my business.
I started cooking more meals from whole foods.
I took control over our finances and we started saving money!!
And I finished the DAMN THESIS!!!

A bunch of other good stuff happened too, but these ones really jump out at me.

Another amazing thing happened. I am MUCH happier.

There is just something wonderful about waking up and saying, "I'm just gonna do the stuff I want to do, the stuff that makes me happy, the stuff I care about."

I know this sounds insane... And I don't expect anyone to grok it just from reading this... After all, the Tao that can be described is not the everlasting Tao... If you want to truly understand, you must live it.

So, I have a challenge for you.

Pause.

Put life on pause for a minute and ask yourself, "What am I passionate about?"

It may be a hard question to answer if you've not considered it in the past. We spend so much of our life doing what we are expected to do or what we think is "best." We often miss the opportunities to do what we love.

And if doing this seems uncertain, or even scary, then start small. Today I decided that I am passionate about enjoying the company of the people I will encounter today. The end result is a day of joy :)

On a larger scale I have found that I am passionate about health (mine and that of others), having meaningful relationships, challenging myself, and saving the world ;)

I'd love to know what you are passionate about. Tell me. Tell others! Let everyone know you are doing what you are passionate about.

You won't need a list if you are following your dreams :)
And you won't want to procrastinate when the tasks are what you WANT to do.

Enjoy.

Minimalist Monday - What's In A Name?

Yup, it's not Monday... but what's in a name? ;) Feels like Monday to me!

Minimalist... what does that mean?

My definition of minimalism is thoughtfully designing my life so that everything/everyone I interact with brings me joy. Does that mean I'm always happy? Hellz no! However, when something/someone is consistently adding anything other than joy to my life (stress, anger, frustration, depression, anxiety, stinky farts) I change my world so that I interact with that thing/person less and eventually remove it/them from my life completely.

Of course there are parts of my life that I don't truly love... and I've decided that removing them from my life would cause as much stress as keeping them. In those instances I've decided to change my perspective so at I can find a way to appreciate that part of my life. And that appreciation gives me joy.

It's always changing. I'm always reassessing, asking questions, and seeking answers that often yield new questions. All in the pursuit of equilibrium. It's kind of like limits in calculus... something I'm always reaching towards, and I can get infinitesimally close to, yet never meet. THIS realization used to cause me much stress... until I changed my perspective. 

Life is a journey... once you reach the destination, life is over. Enjoy the journey... all the bumps, twists and turns. Choose your road wisely... though you can only see it's beginning... be prepared to change course when things aren't right. If you can't find a crossroad, make your own! That's my new perspective.

Here are some minimalist inspired blog posts that have helped me find the road that brings me the most joy.

Zen Habits - The Elements Of Living Lightly

The Minimalists - Consumption Is Not The Problem 

Living Well Spending Less - Why I Took My Kids' Toys Away

The Life-Changing Magic Of Picking Up

Becoming Minimalist - Don't Just Declutter, De-Own

Why I'm Not Skinny Enough

Girls like me aren't supposed to have issues like this. I'm supposed to look at my size 10 jeans and think, "It's okay, I'm five foot nine, and it's mostly muscle..."

This is me, doing my favorite thing. A couple weeks ago, I started running again... 3 times a week. My friends are planning to participate in a race in January and I'm hoping to run with them. And yet, every time I finish my run I end up in the bathroom, naked and disappointed. I mean I just ran THREE MILES! The fat should melt off!...

sigh...

And then I'm ashamed that I am such an ass. I should not be complaining about my body. I should not have such a negative opinion about my body. I should just wake up and enjoy this body because one day I won't have it anymore.

should, should, should... so yeah, I beat myself up because I hate how I feel. I hate the way the world has programed me to feel. 

Some background.

This is me, five years ago. I weigh nearly 30 pounds less in this picture. I had just been through some difficult stuff that lasted for several years. I went to the doctor one day, convinced there was something horribly wrong with me, convinced I was probably dying. My doctor told me I was having panic attacks, some that lasted for days. (Thinking about this makes me nauseous... makes me want to lay down and hide... pushing publish, I hope will be liberating) They put me on lorazepam and scheduled me to see a psychiatrist. 

I couldn't handle the drug... the side effects were awful, so I stopped taking them. I needed a different way to cope.

As a vegetarian I often need to defend my diet and prove that I get enough protein... I started tracking everything I ate so I could post on days I ate 115 grams of all veggie protein and smile :) Of course, I also had the chance to see all of the 700 calorie days. I noticed that if I ate, I was more likely to have panic attacks. So I ate less. And when times got rough, I ate A LOT less. 

More background.

Me and my "date" for senior prom :) 

I grew up surrounded by women who struggled with their weight. Two memories always stick out when I reflect on my body image.

I remember a day at the beach with some of the women in my family and their friends. There was also a large woman in a bathing suit enjoying a day at the beach. I listened as the adults in my party remarked on the other woman's bathing suit choice:

"Does she even know what she looks like?"

"Ewww, I don't want to look at that!"

"This is just indecent."

Oh, and laughter... 

I was young. I couldn't really understand why the women I was with would say such things about another woman... one who looked much like them. It became one of many memories that I filed away to figure out later.

I was much younger for this other memory. I drew a picture at school of my mother and myself cuddling. Under the picture I wrote, "I like cuddling with my mom, she is squishy."

We used to laugh about this... I think I spelled "squishy" without vowels ;) 

But now it makes me want to cry.

As a kid, I knew my mom was perfect. Even the parts of her that she wanted to change, the parts of her that the world rejected. Though my mom was a full figured woman I saw nothing but love in her. I accepted every inch of her and found value in every part of her.

So, to hear my mother criticize her own body or talk negatively of the bodies of others confused me.

Over time that confusion slipped away and I accepted that this is how things are. We should not accept our bodies. If there is any fat on my body, then I am eating too much and not exercising enough. Fat makes me unattractive, unworthy and unlovable. And anyone else who doesn't feel this way should be ridiculed.

Well, that kind of thinking just caused more anxiety. I know it was wrong, but everything I look at screams that it is right! TV, commercials, my friends who beat themselves up over their weight, fitness programs promising to "fix" me... 

This is the thing.

I want to be done with not being skinny enough. And I know losing weight isn't the answer. In the running picture I weighed 134 pounds and wore size 4 pants. And I kept thinking about how cool it would be if I could get down to 130, or 128...

I want this to stop, but I don't think I can do it alone. 

I read this book called A Complaint Free World. Author Will Bowen writes about the hurtful power of complaining, sarcasm and criticism. And the healing powers of silence.

Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit... I will be brief.

I think we should all read this book. I think it will help us all heal our inner wounds. Which might help us to stop wounding others. 

It's a cycle. And it is up to us if we want it to be a cycle of love or a cycle of hurt.

I love you all, thank you for your acceptance.

Errands With Children = ADVENTURE!

Disclaimer: I have never had my own children. Though I want to be a parent, my parenting knowledge is new and limited. I have only been taking care of tiny humans for about a year.

...

Today I had the opportunity to spend about two hours running errands with a couple of my friends' children. Before we start we need to get the elephant in the room out of the way. These were't just any kids... They are two of the sweetest and most charismatic kids in existence!

I've wanted to try an errand day for a while now. Twice a week I only have two kids to watch, and I liked the idea of getting things done during the day, so I could play more video games once the kids go home ;) I finally got up the courage to ask the kids' parents if I could do this, and after a quick car seat tutorial we were on our way!

We made four stops today: The post office in a plaza, the small animal hospital with it's own small parking lot, the HUGE grocery store, and the small pet shop with on-street parking. All of these venues provided their own unique hurdles as well as useful perks.

Actually, before we really get going I need to mention the true elephant in the room: privilege. White privilege has been making it's way around the Internet arousing much vibrant discourse of late. One thing I am often conscious of, as I walk around the neighborhood on my way to the park, playground or library with 2-6 children in tow, is my privilege. Most strangers we meet assume I'm the mother of all of the children I care for. As the strangers smile at me and say nice things to us, I wonder how my experience would differ if my skin were darker. Would the kind people in the park whisper something about welfare queens as we walked past each other? Could this thought be just the product of all the news I'm trying to avoid these days? Or is it evidence of my own private prejudice? Or is it me coming to grips with our self-imposed segregated reality? Regardless, I feel it is important to be conscious of these thoughts... and perhaps they will come to fruition in a future post.

Tangent inventoried.

Figuring how to safely remove two children under the age of two from a car is a challenge! In the small parking lots I felt a lot safer. There wasn't much traffic and I could put the slightly older kid in the unused front seat with a stern, "stay here" request while I unbuckled the smaller kid. It worked really well. The BIG lot at the HUGE grocery store caused me to be overcautious in an attempt to reduce my anxiety. I found three empty spots together and parked in the middle... and opened both front doors as to say, "Please don't
park in those other spots just yet." Until this experience I thought it was silly that some large parking lots have spots up front reserved for families with small children. It's not just about the kid's safety... but the parent's sanity! Double whammy here! Or maybe I'm just suffering from first-year-with-children syndrome. :)

None of those parking lots came close to how terrifying it was to park on the street and get a kid out of a carseat from behind the driver's seat. I just stood there waiting for the light down the road to turn red... then waited again as the remaining traffic passed. Then, it was a race!! I'm glad this was my last stop. I'm relieved that the child seat wasn't confusing this time. I'm also lucky this kid has a lot of experience pulling his arms out of the straps with ease. For the first time, I questioned my hatred of parking lots in the city.

Wearing a baby-carrying contraption kept the tiny-tiny human safe, which allowed me to focus most
of my attention on the free range tiny human. I'm glad I didn't take the stroller... I really didn't want to take-out/put-in an additional item that also had buttons and straps. However, inside the pet shop I understood why a stroller is useful. There is just so much AWESOME STUFF TO GRAB!

Navigating the insides of the shops was a challenge, but once I was done I had to get my new wares back to the car... and that, I thought, would be the real problem.

I was pleasantly surprised how wrong I was.

As I pushed my cart of groceries through the large grocery store parking lot, tiny toddler secured in the cart and tiny-tiny toddler attached to me, I debated the best position for the cart to rest while I unloaded the children and the bags. I held an internal dispute about stowing the humans or the products first. But, before I had time to come to a conclusion, an employee was close at had to load my items into the trunk, watch the cart while I loaded child number one, and take the cart back for me as I loaded child number two. @.@

THEN, at the pet store where I bought many cans of food and two large bags of cat litter the man delivering the shop's latest products was standing and waiting. I thought I was in his way, and when I offered to move he said, "oh, I'm just waiting here so I can carry your stuff to the car for you." @.@

Today I just couldn't help but think, the world must really like me! Then I realised.. I really like the world! Was the world just returning the favor, or is it all just about perspective?

Or Maybe We're On The Wrong Path

Do you feel stressed?
...overweight?
...depressed?
...unfulfilled?
...unattractive?
...under-appreciated?
...confused?
...lost?

That's GREAT! We have just what you NEED?
How about a relaxing meditation vacation?
Or this new fitness routine at this new gym?
Or a new anti-anxiety medication?
Or a stimulating career certification course?
Or a sale at THE fashion store?
Or this new method that well teach YOU how to win them over?
Or this new thing... don't worry what it is, but we promise you can't live without it!

Or... Or... Well, come on... just tell us your symptoms, and we will find some way to numb them so you can get back to "enjoying" life just the way we want you to.

It seems that no matter your distress, someone has the answer for you. And they are almost always selling that answer. But does the answer provide an effective solution, or does it just help us carry our burdens longer by distracting us from the root of the problem?

I've been thinking about this for a while. Every year we have more and more fitness centers opening, and yet the obesity rate is rising. More people are depressed even though anti-depression use has skyrocketed. Even industry based mindfulness training meant to treat stress is perhaps a misguided effort.

Recently one of my new friends posted this question online:
"Dear Feelings, WHERE'S THE "OFF" BUTTON TO THESE THINGS."

Nearly half of the comments suggested some sort of distraction, from sports to coffee. Concerned not only for my friend's longterm well being, but also wanting to give a nugget of advice to others watching her status, I gave this answer:
"The off button is there... but it's dangerous to use... instead, turn up the volume, allow yourself to feel and know you are loved and everything is okay.  hugs."

This comes from my new favorite book, Daring Greatly. The author, Brene Brown, discusses the dangers of numbing ourselves and gives alternative solutions. Basically, the problem is when you are in pain, or sad, or angry you can't just numb those injured emotions. If you numb one, you numb them all. Numbing sadness numbs joy as well.

I wanted my friend to know that her emotions are valid. Though they may hurt, fighting them or hiding them will only injure or mask her beauty from our world. I also wanted her to know that she doesn't have to face that struggle alone, that she has many people who love her and that we are always there for her.

And I guess I am writing this because I want you to know that you too are not alone. Though I am afraid some of you may feel like you are. I am here for you, just as you are here for me. I sincerely believe that our connections bring us strength. They can give us the strength to go out and be ourselves.

I was a teacher at a school that forced children to sit still and be quiet for 10 hours a day as we drilled the students on skills that would raise their test scores. I felt stifled, then saddened, then crushed. I didn't have the courage to quit my job and fortunately at the end of the year they let me go because, "This place isn't the right fit for you."

While I worked there I was depressed and suffered from massive anxiety attacks that occurred with frightening frequency. Once I mourned the loss of my job I felt peace. I didn't need medication or new training ... I was pushing my non-square self into that school's square shaped ideology and I'm happy that I refused to conform for as long as I did.

I think if things feel wrong, they probably are. That chances are, it's not you... but the place you've put yourself that is causing you strife. This belief of mine exposes my faith in humanity, and I am happy to share that with you.

So, next time you feel wrong... maybe you just need a different path. :)