Progeny, Preeclampsia and Privilege

Progeny (noun) - a descendant or the descendants of a person, animal, or plant; offspring.

Preeclampsia (noun) - a condition in pregnancy characterized by high blood pressure, sometimes with fluid retention and proteinuria.

Privilege (noun) - a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people.

Me 32 weeks 4 days pregnant with twins

Over the past couple of weeks, the above words have been a driving focus for nearly everything I do. Now, over the past five days these words have eclipsed nearly every other aspect of my life.

I don't even know how to start this story. Honestly, so much of it is a total blur. I'm going to be much less exact than I would prefer to be and basically summarize. About a month ago I stopped working as I had begun to have problems walking for more than five or ten minutes without becoming extremely winded. For those who don't know me well you should understand that I am a competitive athlete. I play roller derby and I run. So, feeling winded after a ten minute walk felt down right absurd. Everyone just kept reminding me that I'm building two humans in my uterus, and of course that's going to take a lot of energy. So I just went with everyone else.

Then I had a couple strange lab results. Then there was some odd swelling. But in both situations my body quickly corrected itself. My doctors suggested a modified bed rest and asked me to stay off of my feet as much as possible. I have no recollection of when I had the first high blood pressure reading. It was definitely a surprise to everyone. Throughout this pregnancy my blood pressure had been perfect. But at that point the doctors asked me to be more firm with my bed rest at home. I actually had some people come over just to make some food for me, I stopped going anywhere, I stopped adding salt to my food... Basically, I did everything I could think of to manage my blood pressure without medical intervention. This was also when I started to research preeclampsia. This was my favorite informative video about how this condition develops and progresses for those who want more information.

And again here is where things are a little fuzzy... So, I'm just going to write this journal-style:

Friday - Doctor's appointment to check blood pressure and protein in  my urine. Diagnosed with mild preeclampsia and put on full bed rest at home. (or maybe this was last Wednesday... It's honestly a blur)

Saturday - Went in to triage because I felt off. Blood pressure was elevated and labs were not happy. They gave me a steroid shot because my babies are only 32 weeks old to give their lungs a growth boost in case I become too sick to carry them.

Sunday - Went to triage for a planned appointment for the second steroid shot. Blood pressure much elevated again. Doctor asked me to spend the night at the hospital for monitoring, so I was admitted.

Monday - Spent the day at the hospital being watched closely. Labs and blood pressure not reassuring, but not bad enough to progress to the next stage, they kept me over night again.

Tuesday - At the 4AM rounds my blood pressure was seriously elevated (and I felt like crap.) I was staying at a lower level hospital where my twins could not recieve adequate care if they were born at 32 weeks. I was given lots of medication, some that made me feel really horrible. Then they called an ambulance and strapped me in for the short ride to our big hospital that has a very advanced NICU and a special floor just for people like me who are having a hard time staying pregnant and healthy. They didn't let me eat all day, or drink anything because they didn't know if they could get my blood pressure under control and feared a cesarean would be necessary. Finally things relaxed. And I don't think anyone knows why. This just seems to be how it goes with preeclampsia, sometimes things are ok, sometimes they are not. Sometimes things calm down and sometimes they progress to very dangerous places very quickly. Eventually I was allowed to eat and moved to a room for high risk pregnant people and checked every few hours by nurses, techs and doctors.

Me on Tuesday having dinner in my room. That's the smile of someone trying to be tough.

Wednesday (today, my babies are now 33 weeks old) - Once again, the 4 AM rounds turned up dangerously high blood pressure. The nurse rechecked me three times over the next half hour and it just kept going up. She called in a doctor and they gave me some fast acting medication to lower things. The medicine worked for a short while and then things spiked again, so they gave me more. Then I was put on a longer acting version of the medicine and that seems to have been holding things steady throughout today. They keep asking me about symptoms like headaches, and seeing sparkles or bright lights and pain my my abdomen. I don't have any of that. Aside from my BP spikes and my crappy blood levels its hard to know I'm sick.

Today I was given a tour of the NICU. It is very impressive. It was also very overwhelming.

I've cried several times today. I don't think I've ever really felt truly helpless. There have been times where I thought I was helpless, but really I just needed to do something different or scream louder... But now there is literally nothing I can do but wait. Wait and trust this huge team of strangers to watch me closely. I'm very fortunate to have so many friends and family members who work in medicine. I know the kinds of people who choose these jobs personally, and that helps me to trust these strangers.

But seriously, it's really hard to "keep it together." And I'm pretty sure I'm all over with trying to appear strong. I know that I have no control over this situation. I know that this situation is temporary. And I also know that, at 33 weeks my babies have a very good chance of living and being healthy. But all that knowledge does nothing for me... It doesn't help me feel stronger or more capable to handle this. For the record, I know no one is expecting me to "keep it together" but that doesn't change the fact that I want to be stronger so I can cope better with this.

The one thing that is kinda helping me is privilege. I can't stop thinking about how privileged I am to be where I am. I live in a world where my wife and I are able to have children. I live in a world where most people accept and support our relationship and our little family. I live in a world where I am given access to the most amazing support medical science has to offer.

I keep thinking about the people in Haiti and Jamaica. I know there are pregnant women there too. And I am sure some of those women are sick, just like me. I can't imagine what it must be like to live through a disaster while trying to keep your babies alive inside you. The fact that I am here, and that those women are there is due to nothing other than luck. I'm not a better person, I don't deserve better care... I just get it, because of who I am and where I live. And that, sadly, is how our world works.

This sucks. It sucks a lot. But I am still so lucky.

I wish this luck wasn't just for me.