Though I had taught middle school and worked with kids as young as five in a school for multiply disabled children, my knowledge of how to manage a home with kids in it was pretty slim. Which is why I started reading parenting books shortly after I opened my daycare. I've written on here before about some of the books I've read and how they have helped or harmed my relationships with the children in my care. Over the past three years my "parenting method" has continued to evolve as I've gained new knowledge about different ways to work through conflict with others.
Last December I started walking a new path toward conflict resolution that I haven't really spoken about as much as I would like to... mostly because it's so different.
And I hadn't even realized how confusing it could be to talk about this new way of life, until a prospective daycare parent asked me the very common question, "So, what is your discipline method?"
It was almost an involuntary reaction to open my mouth and attempt to respond. After all, that's what my mouth was accustomed to doing when someone asked me a question... unfortunately my brain was stuck. I really didn't know what to say and sat there with my mouth agape and silent. This was May, and I had been experimenting with my new conflict resolution tools for about five months, and I still felt very much a novice. How could I explain my methods to someone when I had such nascent confidence in my ability to actually DO the thing I'm doing (at least consistently?)
Lucky for me, this mother was a good friend of one of my good friends, so I was just honest with her, I basically said, "I honestly don't know how to explain it... but I can tell you what I don't do. I don't use timeout, or punishments at all. I don't use redirection or try to convince kids that 'everything is alright.' I don't force kids to share or even say thank you or please."
Now there was a bit of a pause. I knew what this sounded like... it sounded like permissive parenting... just letting the kids do what ever they want and me having no 'control' over anything. So I quickly added, "why don't I give you an example of how things usually happen?"
And then I described a scenario, I cannot remember what scenario I used, so I'm just going to explain a real life situation that happened in my daycare.
Two of the kids I cared for were about two and a half years old when this happened. They usually played together really well, but sometimes struggled with sharing (totally age appropriate in my opinion.) On this occasion they were playing with the little kitchen and B wanted the toy J was playing with but J didn't want to share it. So B grabbed the toy and J pushed B away. Then B became very angry and raised her hand over her head ready to hit J. I was about three feet away so I stepped in and put my hand in between B and J. B ended up hitting my hand instead of J. Once J knew she was safe she moved back a little and kept playing with her toy. But B was still very angry and raised her hand again and tried to push past me (This all happened in about five seconds! LOL) I said to B, "It looks like you're really angry about something." B growled. "Are you angry because J has a toy you want to play with?" B screams, "YES!!" and continues to try and push past me to get the toy. I say "I will not let you hit J." At this point B starts to stomp her feet and tantrum (We're about 30 seconds into the situation now.) I say, "Wow, you are really upset that J won't give you that toy, I'm really sorry about all this." After a few more stomps B's entire body language changes. She starts to cry. I say, "Are you really sad because you didn't get to use that toy." A tiny little "uh huh" escapes B's lips and she lands on me with a pathetic hug. I rub her back for a couple seconds.
J comes over and offers B a toy (I honestly can't remember if it was the toy in dispute) seeming to say, hey friend, let's play. B giggles with delight and the two are off playing again.
I know that was a lot of words, but the whole interaction lasted between 60 and 90 seconds. And that is a pretty typical duration for these types of conflicts.
If I were to use more a traditional discipline method then first I would be forced to judge which child was in the wrong. Was J wrong for not handing over her toy, or was B wrong for physically insisting on sharing? Also, most tantrum solutions require a child to be removed from the situation for several minutes which could make the conflict last much longer. And children are often told to "say sorry" when they come out of timeout to show remorse... though I doubt very young children really understand remorse as we would like them to, and I wonder if older children just "go through the motions" and say they are sorry with no feeling of remorse.
With the method I have been using:
- There is no judgement, shaming or coercion.
- Empathy is key.
- All emotions are valid and are treated as such (no one is told to not be angry or sad even if these emotions make bystanders feel uncomfortable)
- The conflict is resolved without punishment.
- The fact that children are impulsive, curious beings with an underdeveloped prefrontal lobe (the part of your brain responsible for executive function) is respected.
- My relationship with all children is maintained as a relationship based on trust, respect and compassion.
I could write about this method for pages and pages, and could talk about it for even longer. I've wanted to write this post for a long time, but I've been letting the perfect get in the way of the good enough. It's REALLY important for me to tell people about this method, because I really think it could help build stronger bonds between children and their caregivers. This method is probably very different from how most of us were raised, which is why it isn't really that easy to do. I mess up a lot. And I could write an entirely different post about how I cope with my own short comings... but maybe another day.
If you are interested in this, please contact me. I would be happy to help people learn more about this.
I have learned a lot from Janet Lansbury, who is a guru of sorts when it comes to peaceful parenting. Her blog and podcast are gold and I look forward to new posts and casts like a kid looks forward to the ice cream truck on a muggy 93 degree day.
I also recommend the books Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. There are lots of other great books on this topic, but those are my two favorites.
In closing, I'll just leave you with one thought. Chances are, if you are a parent or a caregiver, as an adult, you had the power to choose that role. Fortunately few of us are actually forced into this role these days (at least in The United States.) I just want you to think about the fact that your child had no choice to be here, and quite possibly, they feel they as if they have very little power over their own life. That can be a difficult thing for a person, of any age, to work through. But since we chose them, we can choose to be there for them when they are struggling with the many difficulties of learning to do all the things.
Much love.
And as Janet says, "We can do this!"
