If I Hit Your Child, Would He Respect Me Too?

This post has been living in my head for a while. It's really hard to write... but I also think it is very important to write it.

I was spanked when I was a child.

My parents never left physical marks. They never hit me in anger. And there was always a great deal of warning before I was hit.

Some parents beat their children. My parents did not, and would have never beat me or my sister.

I guess that makes us lucky...

...

Recently, I saw a meme on the Internet that reads:

This has caused me to think a lot about why I respect people. Was it due to the fact that my parents hit me? Was it something else? Was it some combination of the two?

Let me reflect on how I felt when I was spanked. My mother would give many warnings before we were spanked... to the extent that I never really knew when the threat was real. So I didn't really take her seriously until she told me to go get the paddle. My mom was smart. She knew that by the time she had decided to spank us she would be angry! In the time it took me to cry my way to where the paddle was kept and back she would be calm enough to hit me without hurting me too much.

When she warned me, I felt silly... it was just part of the game.

When she asked me to get the paddle, I felt afraid... The game was over.

When she hit me, I felt sad and hurt... I had lost.

When it was over, I felt ashamed... Everything was my fault.

I would tell myself, "It wasn't that bad... I can take it... I'm tough." The woman I love most in the world just hit me... for my own good... and I was trying to convince myself I was strong enough to take it.

Let me be clear. I never once thought, "Well, I guess I won't do that anymore." Which would be obvious to if you knew how many parent-teacher conferences my parents had to attend due to my unruly behavior. I never once considered whether or not I should do something based on if I thought I would be spanked. I always thought I could get away with it.

When I was seven my grandmother died and right around that time I started walking to school. Eventually, I was walking unsupervised with my sister and a friend... and we used to swear like sailors! At one point it occurred to me that my grandmother was watching me from above, and how disappointed she was to hear what I was saying... I rarely cursed again until after college.

I don't think my grandmother ever spanked me... But I know I didn't want to disappoint her.

Currently, I care for children between the ages of zero and five in my home. I provide them with a caring, safe, structured home away from home while their parents work. Even if New York state would allow it, I am ethically opposed to striking children for any reason. And yet, I don't spend ten hours of my day coping with uncontrollable children. We play, learn, eat, sleep and clean up in relative peace.

However, It was not always this way.

When I started my daycare business nearly a year ago I had no idea what I was doing. There were tantrums and defiance... even throwing and hitting! And I just didn't know what to do. I tried so many different things. But I was starting to think I had made a huge mistake in my career choice.

So, I did what I do. I went to the library.

Two books stick out in my memory. Have a New Kid by Friday and Parent Effectiveness Training.

In my opinion, a self-help book is intended to change the reader... at least that is what the name implies. And of course, the only person I have any control over changing is myself.  Just by looking at the titles I should have known one would help, while the other would be a disaster.

Have a New Kid by Friday wants you to change your children. It is a book on authoritative parenting. They even suggest spanking... You would think that would have finally convinced me to put the book down... But I was desperate. I needed to make this new job work. So I tried all the non-spanking suggestions. What a disaster! I was upset. The kids I was watching were upset... even a friend who I suggested this book to was upset because it backfired with her child as well.

On my Christmas vacation I found Parent Effectiveness Training. I was reading the book during a week without children, and I didn't believe anything they suggested would work. To my surprise, EVERY SINGLE SUGGESTION HELPED! PET teaches parents how to model good communication so that their children can express themselves effectively. And, lo and behold, when people can express themselves to someone who's main goal is to understand them, conflicts float away.

I'm not saying everything is perfect. I still have rough moments and terrible days. But the overall change is remarkable.

I've suggested this book to so many people. In fact, I want the author to write a new book called, People Effectiveness Training that focuses on teaching people how to interact successfully with everyone in their life. I think we all need a little of that.... At least I know I do :)

The thing I remember helping me the most, when I was a kid, was the numerous times my dad sat up with me at night, talking for HOURS about something that was distressing me. He was there to answer my questions, share his experiences and let me know that my feelings are valid. Those talks made me who I am today, those talks taught me the importance of respecting another person... Because those talks showed me that my dad respected me.

One more point. A point of shame as a matter of fact. Sometimes... and it isn't easy to admit this... sometimes, I want to hit a child. This week I was walking into a store as a mother was walking out with a screaming child. The child was being rude and disrespectful and my very first thought was, "That child needs a spanking!" Immediately I felt horrible. I remember how much I hated being hit... and yet, my gut reaction is still sometimes to inflict physical pain. This scares me because I know my parents did not hit me as often as I'm sure they thought they should... and even that taught me, in some small way, that violence is a solution.

So, in conclusion, I believe there is no need to hit a child. I can change the environment, I can strengthen my communication skills, I can get stress relief training, I can reach out for help, I can smile more.

I believe there is no reason to hit a child... unless if you want to.

P.S.

I'd love to see comments, so I know what you are thinking as you read this. :)