Vegan Toddler Meals

I don't have any of my own kids yet, but for the past two years I have run a small daycare out of my home. The food I feed my daycare kids has always been vegetarian and over time has become increasingly more vegan. Right now, aside from the dairy milk I serve as a drink with breakfast and lunch, the meals I serve are vegan. I serve dairy milk because I participate in my state's food program and I need to meet certain regulations to earn money for the meals I serve. If a parent requested a dairy alternative I would happily provide it.

I used to take pictures of my food a lot and post it on Facebook and lately I've been spending less and less time on social media so I thought I'd try a new way to share images of the food I make.

This is a pretty standard meal. Brown rice, beans, veggie side and fresh fruit. I usually make my beans from scratch but these came from a can since I was pressed for time. I steamed the kale and put raw tomatoes and bell peppers on top. I usually put some new or relatively new food on her plate at lunch each day. This time it was steamed kale. She tried it and started talking about broccoli which I thought was cool since the two plants are closely related.

This is probably one of her favorite meals. Lentil sloppy joes with brown rice. Cucumbers and bell peppers on the side. The lentil recipe is one of my favorites too because it's sooooo easy!

http://www.forksoverknives.com/recipes/sloppy-lentil-joes/

Here is a typical breakfast. I only serve sugar free, whole grain cereal. Currently wheat squares with a sprinkle of cinnamon are her favorite. My wife makes a smoothie with apples, bananas, kale and strawberries most mornings and my tiny friend always asks for some.

This picture is missing the chick peas, I forget stuff in the microwave often ;) This meal was a total experiment. The soup is broccoli cream soup and the sandwich is grilled chao (an amazing vegan cheese) and she loved them both! The pile of carrots and cucombers was my insurance that at least something would get eaten, much to my surprise the whole meal was devoured.

http://fieldroast.com/product/chao-slices/

We all eat the same stuff at my house, even me. And this is one of my favorites. Miso soup with udon, bean sprouts, tofu and seaweed. The green beans went in touched which surprised me cause she was all over them for snack the day before. Brown rice is hiding behind the bowl and apples are always delicious. I left the chick peas in the microwave again! I tend to remember about them once I'm seated and eating :)

Sometimes I think she likes opening the clementine more than eating it! 

So, that was a sampling of what I eat with my two year old friend every day. The food is simple, inexpensive, healthy and the toddler eats it :) 

Nonfiction In A Nutshell - Parent Effectiveness Training: Part 1

I have decided to start a new segment on my blog: Nonfiction In A Nutshell. I like to read, and I read a lot of nonfiction. Often I love a book so much that I want everyone in the world to read it. Often, when I suggest nonfiction books to people I find that they aren't always as enthusiastic as I am about the genre. But I still want people to get the information. So I figured if I read a really interesting nonfiction book I should blog about it!

Now, nonfiction books tend to have lots and lots of information packed between their covers, so it will usually take me more than one or two posts to really present the information from the book. I'm not sure this model will work for me or my readers, but I am excited to try it out!

The first book I will be dissecting is Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Dr. Thomas Gordon. I'm also reading this book with a group of friends right now, so I'll be interested to see what they think of my summaries. Dr. Gordon is a psychologist who has won lots of awards, written several books and has been a consultant to people in high places. He ran a training program for parents for a while and then wrote this book to help parents who couldn't travel to his trainings learn the principles of PET.

I'll be going over the first two chapters of the book in the post.

Chapter one is basically an advertisement for why you should read this book. Gordon states that parents are often blamed for their children's unacceptable behaviors, but are rarely trained to effectively solve those problems. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world for which we receive no official training! Gordon asserts that with PET parents will experience improved communication, improved conflict resolution, and develop a stronger relationship with their child.

He suggests that adolescents don't rebel against parents, they rebel against certain parenting methods, such as punishment (physical and verbal) and withdrawal of privileges. This is a book that teaches parents how to "establish and maintain an effective total relationship with a child in any and all circumstances." Parents will learn the what, why and how of it, specific techniques and the philosophy behind said techniques.

Gordon claims that this method will work for children of all ages and developmental levels. This method will also teach children to solve their own problems. He states that there is no reason for kids to view their parents as "the enemy" and implementation of these methods will help parents to avoid being "fired" by their children.

PET is often called the "no-lose" method, in contrast to the typical "win-lose" methods seen in permissive and authoritative parenting styles. This "no-lose" method is commonly used between adults for conflict resolution, and Gordon wants parents to understand that this method works between parents and kids as well!

So, if any of that sounds interesting to you, keep reading. And come back next week(ish) for the next installment :)

Chapter 2 - Parents Are Persons, Not Gods

To be honest, there are a couple parts of this chapter I did not agree with. So I wasn't sure if I should just report what is in the book, or give my opinion. Needless to say, this chapter does not diminish my praise for this book. I just ask that people, especially people who loved the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, to read this chapter with "a grain of salt."

I think Gordon is trying to empathize with parents in this chapter. He tells us that parents have a really tough job, and that it's not necessary, or even helpful to try and be super mom or dad. Parents don't have to hide their feelings, or be 100% consistent and fair, or even present a unified front with their co-parent.

Then he gets into his definition of acceptance, and this is where he started to lose me a little this time. Here are the basics. Your kid can do two things: behavior you are accepting of or behavior you are not accepting of. Behavior you accept is stuff you feel comfortable with, and behavior you don't accept is stuff that irks you.

Now here is the thing, we all know people who are very accepting, right? It feels wonderful to be around them, like they accept me no matter what! And we also know people who are not very accepting... being around them feels less wonderful, and may leave us feeling nervous and wondering if that person even likes us. After reading Unconditional Parenting I learned the importance of acceptance. However, not everyone is going to be an ultra accepting person. And Gordon wants them to know that's ok. Which I feel is pretty generous of him :) Being accepting of unaccepting people ;)

The important thing is that parents need to effectively communicate with their children when the children are engaged in behaviors the parents deem unacceptable. And fortunately for us, I believe PET helps parents to do that without straining the relationship between the parent and child.

Now, back to the book.

Parents cannot be consistent because humans are not robots! Every day we have a different temperament, sometimes even every hour we might change how we feel about things. Also, we don't live in static environments, so we might be ok with certain things at home, and not ok with those things at a restaurant. So basically, don't beat yourself up for being "inconsistent," our world is dynamic, and you are too... And your parenting should be fluid too!

The unified front need not apply. In essence, you need to be true to your feelings, even if your coparent disagrees. Maybe one parents thinks playing with the fire extinguisher to demonstrate Newton's third law of motion in the kitchen is totally awesome, but the other parent might think a clean kitchen is more important than SCIENCE! :) It isn't ok for one parent to set aside their feelings just to convey a unified front, feelings are important! And what kid wants to feel like both their parents are ganging up on them... especially when they know one of them totally wants to play with the fire extinguisher too?

False acceptance is dangerous. This means pretending you are ok with something you definitely are not ok with. Humans don't just communicate with words, we use all sorts of nonverbal cues to convey our message. Just because I say I'm ok with you taking the last cookie doesn't mean I really AM ok with it... And how would you feel if after I watch you eat that last, decadent, chocolate, vegan cookie I slumped over and shed one poignant tear? Yeah, you'd probably tell me to get over it... but you'd also probably feel less than wonderful about that cookie you just ate. Kids see the world in black and white... their brain just isn't quite done cooking yet, so we need to be clear with them, otherwise they may jump to unfortunate conclusions.

And these quotes were just too great to summarize: " Frequent exposure to such situations can cause children to feel unloved. It can bring on frequent "testing" on the part of the child, can cause children to carry around a heavy load of anxiety, foster in children feelings of insecurity, and so on... When a child receives "mixed messages," she may begin to have grave doubts about the honesty or genuineness of her parent... (it is) far better for parents to realize when they are not feeling accepting and not pretend that they are."

Is accepting the kid, but not the behavior a thing? I know I've heard of this before, and I honestly think it could work depending on how it's internalized. The problem is it needs to be internalized positively by both the parent and the child. And I think Gordon does a nice job of explaining why this kind of stuff can be confusing to a kid: "Parents have interpreted this to mean that it is all right to control, restrict, prohibit, demand, or deny, as long as they do it in some clever way so that the child perceives it as not rejecting of her but of her behavior." But the problem is, as I've said before, kids see things in black and white. I believe it is unlikely that the kid will truly get the "I love you, just not what you do" message the way we want them to. I learned A LOT more about this kind of stuff in Unconditional Parenting, and I think Kohn does a much better job of delving into this topic than Gordon does. So, if you feel a little lost after reading this section of the book, pick up Unconditional Parenting, I think you'll like it.

So basically, it's important to know that it's OK for you to not like some of the things your kid does. But it isn't ok to pretend you are ok with thinks you don't like.

Who owns the problem? Now we start to get into some of the technique of PET. Step one in any conflict is to figure out who owns the problem. Some problems are the kid's problem, others are the parent's problem, and both need to be approach differently. For example, when your kid is upset about that stupid homework packet, or that jerk on the playground, well, that's your kid's problem. But when the parent is upset about their kid jumping on them or trying to poke out the baby's eyes, well that's the parents problem. I think the easiest way to figure out who a problem belongs to is to look at who is upset by the situation. I mean, I'm sure you will empathize with your kid when his heart is broken by that evil 2nd grader (I mean who wouldn't appreciate a beautifully colored in bouquet of flowers!? He even stayed in the lines!!) But I think we can all agree that this is your kid's problem; having empathy for someone isn't the same as being upset about a situation you've experienced.

So when your kid brings you one of their problems PET teaches us to use active listening to help our kids solve their own problems. I know it's tempting to solve your kid's problem... I mean, we adults tend to think much quicker and we have all this experience to draw from. But after a while it may become exhausting to put out every fire your kid brings to you. Not to mention that your advice may NOT be the best idea. This isn't your problem that needs solving here, so chances are your solution will be substandard to one your kid could come up with (at least after some practice.)

Now, when it's the parent's problem PET is going to teach us some confrontation skills. And that may sound scary to a lot of us; because in the past, confrontations often ended in yelling, tantrums, door slamming or running away. But this ain't your grandpa's conflict resolution belt. This is the "no-lose" method, but we won't be getting into that for a few weeks.

PET is all about teaching parents conflict resolution skills which, when modeled to children, helps kids learn to solve their own problems in a way that is cooperative and makes sure that everyone's needs are met.

Next week(ish) I'll get into chapters 3-5 where the skill of active listening is explored in depth. Thanks for reading!

This is what you get when you type "conflict resolution kittens" into a Google image search :)

How To Drop Your Kid Off At Daycare

Most of my friends bring their children to daycare during the week. In fact, according to the US Census from 2011, only 20% of children under five are regularly cared for by their parents throughout the week. 24% are with a grandparent and 33% are in daycares. And on average, for children whose mothers are working, kids are in daycare for 36 hours a week. So, daycare of some type is a substantial part of most families' lives.

Let's be clear. I run a daycare out of my home. So, obviously I'm not against daycares. I do, however, wish that the families I serve could spend more time together. Although, I understand that doing so might be an exceptional hardship. I am glad that I can provide a safe, happy home for my friend's children to be at while they go to work.

That being said, I think it is really important HOW a parent brings and leaves a child at daycare.

Kids are not yet adults. This is usually most apparent by their tiny size. But, spend some time with a kid and you'll quickly realize it is their underdeveloped brain that truly defines their age group. Kids just don't think things through the way adults do. This is why we hold their hands in parking lots and keep the candy on the top shelf.

So, what's the big difference between the adult brain and developing brain? The part of the brain that I am most interested in right now is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain where we focus, plan and organize our lives. And this part of the brain doesn't really start to develop until we are four years old! And it isn't ready for prime time until our early to mid twenties.

Now there are lots of places I could go with this knowledge at this point. But basically I am trying to make the point that children see and understand the world very differently from how adults do. And these differences, if ignored, could cause lasting problems.

Let's look at what often happens when a kid is dropped off at daycare. (Warning: This is anecdotal evidence. I haven't actually done a study about what parents say to their kids at drop off... but all parents I have worked with have said something along these lines at some point.)

No matter how often your kid screams at you and throws tantrums, the reality is, you are his/her favorite person in the world. Your kid wants to be with you. Even if you have an awesome daycare provider, your kid would probably choose to spend the day with you instead of going to daycare. This is a good thing :) But, for many families, the reality is you have to go to work and your kid has to go to daycare.

But sometimes your kid REALLY doesn't want to go to daycare. They ask to stay with you, they ask you to stay with them... And then the tears come in. It's rough. No one wants to walk away from their kid in that moment. So, we try to let them down easy.

"Honey, I'm so sorry. I really want to spend the day with you too. I don't want to go to work, but I HAVE to."

We say this with the best of intentions. And it is, generally, true. I'm sure many people enjoy their work, but given the choice to spend time with loved ones, I'm willing to bet that family would win. (again this is all purely anecdotal)

Now here comes the science!

When we say stuff like this to kids, they hear something entirely different from what we want them to hear.

Over the past year I've read some books that have really helped me to understand why I need to choose my words and actions very carefully when working with children.

Bring Them Back Alive by Jose M. de Olivares (Best if you have a kid (or work with kids) who have fallen in with the "wrong" crowd or who are on the path to do so)

Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon (Best if you want a step-by-step how-to guide for resolving conflicts with your kids without relying on the use of parental power, something I will talk more about in a future post)

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene PhD (Best if you have or work with children who have extreme tantrums or behaviors and you want to improve your relationship with that child and help them find new ways to harness their energy)

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn (Best if you are a human who cares about humans. Essential if you have or work with children)

These books all do a great job of putting you in the shoes of your children, helping you to perceive the world as they do. It really opened my eyes and helped me to see how many of the things I was doing (timeout, punishments, rewards, incentives, bargaining, active ignoring etc.) looked much different to the kids I was working with than I expected them to. And it made me realize that those "doing to" techniques are inadequate at best and dangerous at worst. Now I am honing my "working with" techniques that I have learned from these books to improve my relationship with the children I work with and to have more effective, longer lasting problem solving sessions.

So, what does a kid hear when we tell them that we really don't want to go to work, but we have to?

Kids don't generally have the ability to understand the gray zones or the big picture we adults take for granted. They see things in black and white, yes and no, left and right. Of course we adults know the world doesn't work that way, and our children will find that out soon enough for themselves. But until they do, we need to meet them where they are, or else we risk unintentionally weakening our relationship with our children for the sake of brevity.

When we tell our kid we don't WANT to go to work, that's exactly what they hear. That mom or dad does not want to go to their job. But of course, mom or dad will go to work. This now leaves the child to think that mom or dad would rather go to a job they don't even want to be at, than be with their child. "They'd rather go someplace they hate than be with me." That's the black and white interpretation of what the parent said. Needless to say, this can have a negative effect on child's sense of self.

Of course that's not what we want our kids to think! So what can we say instead?

My wife and I have talked about this a lot lately, and she came up with an answer that I really like and I really want to share it with the world.

Kid: Mooooooom. Please don't go. (tears start) I really want you to stay with me...

Parent: You really don't want me to go.

Kid: No. I want you to stay with me.

Parent: I really like spending time with you too. But I've made a promise to my boss to come in to work, and it's important to keep promises.

Kid: (Sad, pouty look)

Parent: But you know what? I've also made a promise to you. I promise to be here as soon as I am done with my work and be present with you until bedtime. What would you like to do after we get home?

I know this takes a little longer than the first response... And I'm not saying that kids will perk up and be totally ok with you going to work that day. But it builds on an understanding about why mom or dad has to go to work. And it doesn't make an value judgements on whether the parent likes work or the child better. Rather it teaches the importance of keeping promises, a gateway to being a responsible person.

Maybe you think your kid is too young to grasp the finer points of the above conversation, and you think you'll start with those kinds of exchanges when the kid is four or five. But I recently suggested this method to the father of a 2 month baby. I feel like the sooner parents get into the habit of hearing their words from their child's perspective the sooner these kinds of conversations will be second nature.

So, what do you think? How do you think your kid would respond to this kind of conversation? Have you ever read any of the books I mentioned in this post, what did you think about them? Do you leave your kid at daycare? How do you manage to daycare drop off time?

I'd be so happy to hear your thoughts, ideas and questions. Please comment and share :)

"That is just THE WORST!"

You're sharing an experience at the grocery store with a friend: "They just didn't have enough lines open for a Sunday afternoon. So I picked one, and before I knew it I was locked in with two carts behind me. Of course the elderly man in front of me had to be extra chatty with the clerk. One of the items wouldn't scan and I heard the clerk say those dreaded words, "Sorry it's my first day, let me call a manager." So I wait. I looked behind me, hoping I could go find another lane, no luck. Finally the manager comes over, fixes the problem and just when I thought I could get out of there the old man takes out his wallet and is $10 short! So he's going through the bags trying to figure out what to put back. The lane next to us opens up, and the person lined up behind the person behind me swiftly moves over. Uhg, it's so unfair. So I wait. Finally that old guy removes enough crap to get out of my way! It was just so irritating! Some people should just stay home!"

To which your friend comments, "UHG! That is just the worst!!"

Or, You're telling a story about that time you hit a turkey with your car causing thousands of dollars of damage and covering everything in turkey guts... That is just the worst!

Or maybe it was when the city double charged you for your property taxes because of a paperwork error and you spent five months and dozens of aggravating phone calls moving up high enough in the bureaucracy to get your money back... That is just the worst!

Or maybe it's what happened to me today?

I've been getting phone calls meant for another person who also belongs to my gym. Apparently she isn't paying her bill and for some reason my phone number is in her file. Now collections companies are calling me too. I finally decided to call the head office and try to get this fixed. I was on the phone for maybe 10 minutes when they finally found the woman's file and told me they were going to work on removing my phone number from her contact info. I wasn't even complaining, and the woman who was helping me said, "I'm so sorry, this is just the worst!"

I had no idea what to say.

This morning I woke up to learn that my first pregnancy was ending.

...

My wife and started a couple years ago to try and adopt. But after so many disappointing situations (the first of which prompted me to start this blog) we decided to try another avenue. My fear of pregnancy and its countless complications is what steered us towards adoption in the first place. I'm 35 now, and I know this is the turning point for fertility, so I decided to put my courage where my fear was and see if I can do this.

Last month we went to a fertility doctor, bought blue eyed sperm and let a kind and overly optimistic doctor inseminate me. Last week we found out I was pregnant. And a couple days ago I started bleeding.

So, today, hearing someone tell me that a few short, polite phone calls is, "the worst" just made me stop.

That phrase has bothered me for a long time. Usually when someone says it to me I respond with, "No, genocide is the worst."

When I was in sixth grade the book Number the Stars opened my eyes. Then two years later the Rwandan Genocide terrified me as I came to grips with the fact that genocide is alive and well in my world. I guess that's why, in my book anyway, genocide is ACTUALLY "the worst."

I have friends who have tried for years to get pregnant. Some had to go through really invasive procedures to make it work. And for some it never worked.

http://weburbanist.com/2011/10/16/image-nation-50-nifty-forced-perspective-photographs/

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that perspective is important. I'm really sad now. I feel empty. I feel lonelier today, than I felt yesterday.

But I know some very important things:
- I am safe.
- My family is safe.
- It's possible for me to become pregnant.
- I am loved.

This is not the worst.

My Wedding Speech

A couple weeks ago I got married! And I had this plan to give this great, public speech all about my new wife and how awesome she is and how much I love her and I was really looking forward to embarrassing her in front of a TON of people. But at the reception everyone was having so much fun (myself included) that I really didn't want to put a pause on the festivities... so I will give my speech here. This way I can embarrass her in front of even more people!! :)

Here it goes...

I want to give you all a little history of me and tell you why I decided to get married. It's not often I get a captive audience, so I am totally taking advantage of this!

When I was in my twenties I made the "noble" decision to not get married until marriage equality was a reality. I'd tell people that I had friends who couldn't legally marry their love and that just wasn't right... So, yeah... it had nothing to do with my own internal struggle! <wink>

My wife was not my first girl crush. But all those other crushes faded with time. So I never really had to deal with this part of who I am until a few years ago. When I first met Shockin', my wife for those of you who don't know her, I was instantly smitten with her... That's really the only way to describe how I felt at the time. She was teaching me crossovers and I felt like the luckiest person in the world to get this special one-on-one time with this beautiful, intelligent, kind, gifted skater...

Oh yeah, I felt super important! Kinda like how my teammate Hater felt when she sat next to Marc Maron at the radio show ;) .. (I wanted to put that line in my speech cause it's important to involve the audience in what you are saying... if they feel like they are are part of your story, they will stay engaged longer... and I also hoped it would make Hater laugh!)

So, I figured Shockin' HAD to  have noticed me ogling her at some point, and as we became closer friends I thought I had to tell her something otherwise she might think I "liked" her! Now, anyone who knows me well knows I SUCK at lying. I mean, except when I'm lying to myself ;) Cause I'm practically an expert at that! But lying to others... I just can't do it... The truth just eats it's way out of me. The last time I thought I could lie to someone I was about ten years old... and my mom TOTALLY saw me riding my bike in the street. Getting caught felt so awful that I just couldn't do that again! So thanks mom ;)

So, with all these braincells of mine, I decided that it would be best to tell Shockin' that I was intimidated by her... (This is where I would look at my new wife with a skeptical expression) Intimidated by HER...

For those of you who know my blushing bride she's about as intimidating as a kitten, off skates that is. You know... in retrospect... that was actually a really good lie!!! Cause she must have been so thrown off by my statement she'd have no idea it was a lie! The thing that actually intimidated me was the way I felt when she was around. So, you know... we did the next logical step... we moved in together! :)

So, I said earlier that Shockin' wasn't my first crush... I've had lots of crushes. And that experience has brought me the knowledge that there always comes a point in every crush where I discover The Thing. The Thing is that quirk, hobby, activity, vocalization, tick, or affirmation that makes me think, "Oh... yikes... nope, this person is NOT for me." To my knowledge, every single person I have ever had the privilege of getting to know well has The Thing. And it's different for everyone, and it's always something that I know would eventually drive me mad if I were to chose to be with that person for eternity.

So, I had hoped that living with Shockin' would let me know what The Thing would be with her. So, I waited. I observed. I queried. And I waited some more. This was sooooo strange. Even with friends I had no crush on I was eventually able to discern The Thing in them. But I couldn't seem to find it in the woman I now happily call my wife. This brought me to the conclusion that it is now time to get some counseling, because, through all my efforts, this crush wasn't going away.

I started journalling and working with a counselor to find a way to be me and be okay with me. I don't want to turn this into my coming out speech. But even with the amazing supportive group of friends and family I have, it was not easy to tell the world that my heart beat faster anytime Shockin' walked into the room.

I want to read to you a page from the journal I was keeping at that time. I'm reading this because I think it's pathetic in an adorable and hilarious way :)

"Yesterday Shockin' had plans to go to Hater's to do Laundry, and she waited to go till I got home... She also invited me to C&T's for the goodbye Nate brunch... I don't really know Nate but I know I like the idea of Shockin' wanting me around. Tonight she was feeling sick so she skipped D&D. She waited in the kitchen while I cooked my dinner then ate her leftover pizza for dinner as we sat on the couch chatting and vegging out. We talked about Darien Lake and she said she'd want me in the same car as her on a roller coaster. She called me her derby twin. But I was busy getting lost in her eyes so I didn't let myself be aware that I'm probably insane... I listened to her breathing when she dozed off... I must be insane, cause I wanted to listen to her breaths more than Invader Zim... I'm enjoying being insane right now."

I wanted to read that to you so that you could see what I see. That even something as ordinary and typical as eating pizza and breathing is beautiful, when it's the person you love that's eating and breathing.

So, I knew I was in love... but how did I know she was the right person to marry?

I love a good argument. I love to throw my knowledge around like sharpened flail. And I LOVE being right!

One day, shortly after we started dating, we found ourselves engaged in a disagreement. The particulars of the situation are not important. What is important is that my words had sharp edges and I threw them around carelessly. Shockin' left the "conversation" and went into her bedroom... It sounded like she was crying, and she was visibly upset.

Usually at this stage in the game I consider myself the winner. I was able to get the other person to eat their words and they are the one who became the emotional mess... so I win. But, for the first time EVER, I didn't feel that way. I actually started to panic a little.

I didn't understand this feeling, but a very clear thought came into my head at that moment. I realized that I care more about Shockin' than I do about winning.

(Pause for dramatic effect)

That, was a really big deal. Of course I went right in and apologized and told her that her feelings are more important than my big words. And over the next few years I practiced putting those words into action. I haven't been perfect, but I plan to have many years to practice :) To me, she is more important than winning.

So, long story short... Once I realized how important Shockin' was to me I knew that I had to ask her to marry me. And I'm really lucky that she said yes :)

... Now as some of you know, There were some people who were invited to our wedding who chose not to come because of their religion. It was very hard for me to hear these RSVPs from people I care so much about. As a nonreligious person it is very difficult for me to understand the perspective of these friends and family members. After much thought I have come to my own understanding of their situation. From my perspective I see that their god loves and accepts based on a certain set of conditions. So, since that belief is so foundational with them, I feel I cannot fault them for showing me the same conditional acceptance and love.

But, I look around here and I see all of you. And I feel the people who wanted to be here, but couldn't. And I just wanted to thank all of you for you unconditional love an acceptance. Words cannot do justice to the kind of happy you all make me feel. Thank you for being part of our day, our lives and our world.

<3

Engaging The Discord Of Life

It's been a while.

A lot has changed.

In February, the second to last post I published, I wrote about my frustrations with illness and my determination to get better. After three months of lingering in sickness the doctors finally decided that I had pneumonia and gave me some antibiotics. I spent the next two months struggling less and less to breathe, until I finally felt healthy. And then, a month ago, I broke my elbow.

Early on in his illness I had some success hand feeding Chance.

During February one of my cats, Chance, became very ill. After many tests he was diagnosed with cancer. We tried to get him to eat and drink. But his breathing became labored, he lost weight and became very dehydrated. On April 7, 2015 we scheduled an appointment to end his wordly suffering. Near the end of his sickness his sister, Leeloo, became less affectionate towards him. She would hiss and growl when he came near. He smelled like medicine, doctors' offices, cancer and death. I understand her fear. But on that Tuesday I laid in the bed with Chance next to me and Leeloo at my feet. I told her this would be her last chance to cuddle with her brother. Much to my surprise and relief, she came up to us, licked Chance's head a couple of times and snuggled up with us.

Last week we learned that one of my girlfriend's cats, Mckenna, has cancer too.

Mckenna likes small places! (That's usually where the tomatoes live)

It's only been three months since we lost Chance. Though that day seems light years away in my mind, my heart thinks it was yesterday.

Chance's last day with me.

This is when Leeloo came to cuddle with us.

And now my grandfather waits to die in hospice care. He lays in bed, in obvious discomfort, and he just wants to go home. I want to be cheerful and helpful around him, but seeing how much he hates where he is kills me. I know I can't take him home, and I don't think anyone else in my family can. This seems to be one of those things that is just going to suck. It makes me so frustrated. It scares me... Watching my family members die reminds me of my own mortality. Someday I will know my grandfather's discontent first hand. And I'm not sure what upsets me more, seeing my grandfather sick and dying, or envisioning my own deathbed.

Me and my grandpa back when I thought he didn't belong in hospice care.

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Due to illness and injury I have not been able to participate in the sport I love, roller derby. Derby is my outlet, my stress relief. My team is my home, my family of choosing. Though I can be next to them on the bench, I cannot be WITH them on the track. I have felt isolated, alone, sad, depressed, lost, useless, angry, dejected, indignant, and hateful.

I thought I could coast through all of this. I thought I could handle it. But when I felt hate take hold in my heart, I knew that without help I would be lost.

So, I called my counselor yesterday. She is the person who helped me come out and be me. The person who helped me find the courage to tell my fiancee that I liked her. She was on vacation. So now I'm waiting to heal.

I recently told one of my friends that I feel like my life is on pause.

I don't like feeling like I'm on pause. But I'm also not sure which step to take next. There are many paths in front of me, and because I have been reluctant to choose, I have stretched myself so that I can walk all paths at the same time. This is both ineffective and uncomfortable.

If I walk down one path, does that mean I can never go back? Is this the only time my life will be filled with options... With questions?

Of course not!

But that doesn't make it any easier to pick a path and walk it.

Here are my Known Knowns:

1. I love my girlfriend, I want to be married to her and spend the rest of my life with her.

2. I love playing roller derby, Imagining my life without derby is painful.

3. I want to be a mom, I know our kid is out there somewhere, and I just wish we could find him/her.

4. I am lucky to be surrounded by so many loving people (and pets.)

Here are my Known Unknowns:

1. I have no idea how becoming a mom will change my life, but I know my priorities will have to change, this is the scariest thing.

2. Can I still be me without derby?

3. How much more loss can I take this year?... Do I even have a choice?

4. Can I find a job where I feel completely fulfilled... Or should I find peace with what I have?

5. Am I falling apart, or becoming a new me?

And then there are the unknown unknowns... Those guys are jerks!

So, I'm back to writing. I've missed this a lot. Since I no longer use Facebook, please comment on the blog if you'd like your comment to be seen by me. And if you could follow the blog that would ensure you will see the next post when it comes out. I may or may not find a way to get this out without Facebook... But I just can't go back to that world now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back to that. (But that's for another post!)

The Problem With Prosperity

 "Prosperity: The condition of being successful or thriving; especially: economic wellbeing." -Merriam-Webster dictionary

This can go one of two ways:

1. Huh? What's wrong with doing well for myself?
2. Yeah, actually there are MANY problems with prosperity!

Let us examine both of these mental paths.

What IS wrong with prosperity? 

From a very young age most of us are told that we need to make the right choices, and work hard so that we can make a life for ourselves. We are trained to focus on various topics, many of which we find boring, several hours a day through compulsory "education." (Can you smell my bias yet?) We are told that some pursuits are less economically viable than others, "You can't go to college for art! You'll never get a job. How about computer science?!" Yeah... cause that bubble will never burst.

We are surrounded by people who are getting new phones, new cars, buying a different house every 3-5 years, shopping for the latest fashions, filling the living room with piles of presents each December. And we see it all. On Facebook, twitter, instagram, vine and a whole bunch of other social media outlets I know nothing about... myspace? 

Everyone around is doing so well... we need to do better too. We have to buy all organic, enroll our children in a multitude of activities, send them to summer camps, take their soccer team out for ice cream after each game, rent out that bounce house place for all the kids in their class for each birthday, buy new shoes constantly, and keep the labels on the clothes and accessories fresh. Our kids need phones and tablets and game systems so that our house is the "fun" house.

We have to go out to eat with our family, coworkers, friends, neighbors, children's friend's parents... We need to go on cruises and to epic theme parks and far away places and share all those photos so everyone can see that we did it! That we are PROSPEROUS!

And all of this takes one very important thing.

Money.

The reason prosperity is a problem is because being prosperous is an elusive goal.

Having money often makes us want to have more money. Each year we hope for a raise or a bonus or a new job with more upward mobility.

What's wrong with economic success? It breeds a ceaseless pursuit for more.

And yet more money isn't necessarily going to improve our lives.

Almost two years ago I lost my job. A job where I was making VERY good money. And now I make a very modest income. I could make more money. But when I remember the stress, anguish and overall discontent that accompanied my previous occupation I realize how much happier I am with less.

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Next question. How can there be just ONE problem with prosperity? I mean, look at those lists at the top of the page. The numerous things we do in the hunt for prosperity. It seems like the list of problems with prosperity should be as endless.

Note: I am a citizen of The United States of America. And as such my examples reflect typical experiences of a citizen of my country. I am aware that in other places life is quite different and many of these issues won't apply. Context is important, and I want you to know mine.

I can have pretty much any food item I want, at any time of day, for a low, low price! In the dead of the winter I can have my pick of amazingly beautiful fresh produce from all around the world. In the middle of the night numerous restaurants are open and many deliver! There is even a place a few blocks away from my home that will deliver warm cookies until 3am!

So, what's wrong with this? Easy access to food is good right? At least we aren't starving! Micronutrient deficiency means that even though we are eating a lot of calories, many of us are missing important nutrients. So while many Americans may be well fed, they are also undernourished. We have so many foods to choose from, making the decision to eat the right foods (Which is different for each person) often quite difficult.

I can go to any story and buy a ton of really neat stuff for very little money. There are sale racks year around, the dollar bin, the dollar STORE, membership discounts, rewards points etc. All of these mechanisms make it easier and easier to bring more stuff into my home. 

Yet with more stuff each thing has less value. Or maybe that's just how I see it. I only have enough space in my head to care about a finite number of things. Think about Little House on the Prairie... when Laura and Mary were so excited to get their own tin cups for Christmas. These people had so little, that something we think so little about, was so important to them.

I'm not saying we would all be happier if we lived in an empty cabin in the middle of nowhere dreaming about cups. But the alternative we have created where we watch people de-hoard their house for entertainment is also not ideal.

And it's not just hoarding stuff that is so easy and dangerous. Many people also hoard money. They hoard it while they look for the next great investment opportunity. Because making money become MORE money is the most important thing. (so much sarcasm there fyi)

So. Those are all pretty awful. But this blogger says she has identified THE problem with prosperity. So what, from her dirty-hippie-love-everyone-we-can-do-this-if-we-work-together perspective is THE problem?

The problem is, that with prosperity comes distance.

Most of us lucky enough to be born to the "right" situation are so out of touch with those who are born to the rockiest of situations. We blame children and families for their economic and educational stagnation. We credit our successes to our own will and grit. All the time ignoring the power that comes from who gave birth to us.

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I see a world where we work together to build a home for all of us. Where we reach out and help each other when luck kicks us in the face. Where we realize that working for just our own prosperity is working against the prosperity of us.

Imagine a sports team where only three of the 20 players are allowed to practice. What happens at game time? That team loses. But the team that includes all of the players in all of the drills as equally as each individual player's abilities will allow... That team will win. Everyone on that team will win.

Roc City Roller Derby, my league, winning!