Nonfiction In A Nutshell - Parent Effectiveness Training: Part 1

I have decided to start a new segment on my blog: Nonfiction In A Nutshell. I like to read, and I read a lot of nonfiction. Often I love a book so much that I want everyone in the world to read it. Often, when I suggest nonfiction books to people I find that they aren't always as enthusiastic as I am about the genre. But I still want people to get the information. So I figured if I read a really interesting nonfiction book I should blog about it!

Now, nonfiction books tend to have lots and lots of information packed between their covers, so it will usually take me more than one or two posts to really present the information from the book. I'm not sure this model will work for me or my readers, but I am excited to try it out!

The first book I will be dissecting is Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Dr. Thomas Gordon. I'm also reading this book with a group of friends right now, so I'll be interested to see what they think of my summaries. Dr. Gordon is a psychologist who has won lots of awards, written several books and has been a consultant to people in high places. He ran a training program for parents for a while and then wrote this book to help parents who couldn't travel to his trainings learn the principles of PET.

I'll be going over the first two chapters of the book in the post.

Chapter one is basically an advertisement for why you should read this book. Gordon states that parents are often blamed for their children's unacceptable behaviors, but are rarely trained to effectively solve those problems. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world for which we receive no official training! Gordon asserts that with PET parents will experience improved communication, improved conflict resolution, and develop a stronger relationship with their child.

He suggests that adolescents don't rebel against parents, they rebel against certain parenting methods, such as punishment (physical and verbal) and withdrawal of privileges. This is a book that teaches parents how to "establish and maintain an effective total relationship with a child in any and all circumstances." Parents will learn the what, why and how of it, specific techniques and the philosophy behind said techniques.

Gordon claims that this method will work for children of all ages and developmental levels. This method will also teach children to solve their own problems. He states that there is no reason for kids to view their parents as "the enemy" and implementation of these methods will help parents to avoid being "fired" by their children.

PET is often called the "no-lose" method, in contrast to the typical "win-lose" methods seen in permissive and authoritative parenting styles. This "no-lose" method is commonly used between adults for conflict resolution, and Gordon wants parents to understand that this method works between parents and kids as well!

So, if any of that sounds interesting to you, keep reading. And come back next week(ish) for the next installment :)

Chapter 2 - Parents Are Persons, Not Gods

To be honest, there are a couple parts of this chapter I did not agree with. So I wasn't sure if I should just report what is in the book, or give my opinion. Needless to say, this chapter does not diminish my praise for this book. I just ask that people, especially people who loved the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, to read this chapter with "a grain of salt."

I think Gordon is trying to empathize with parents in this chapter. He tells us that parents have a really tough job, and that it's not necessary, or even helpful to try and be super mom or dad. Parents don't have to hide their feelings, or be 100% consistent and fair, or even present a unified front with their co-parent.

Then he gets into his definition of acceptance, and this is where he started to lose me a little this time. Here are the basics. Your kid can do two things: behavior you are accepting of or behavior you are not accepting of. Behavior you accept is stuff you feel comfortable with, and behavior you don't accept is stuff that irks you.

Now here is the thing, we all know people who are very accepting, right? It feels wonderful to be around them, like they accept me no matter what! And we also know people who are not very accepting... being around them feels less wonderful, and may leave us feeling nervous and wondering if that person even likes us. After reading Unconditional Parenting I learned the importance of acceptance. However, not everyone is going to be an ultra accepting person. And Gordon wants them to know that's ok. Which I feel is pretty generous of him :) Being accepting of unaccepting people ;)

The important thing is that parents need to effectively communicate with their children when the children are engaged in behaviors the parents deem unacceptable. And fortunately for us, I believe PET helps parents to do that without straining the relationship between the parent and child.

Now, back to the book.

Parents cannot be consistent because humans are not robots! Every day we have a different temperament, sometimes even every hour we might change how we feel about things. Also, we don't live in static environments, so we might be ok with certain things at home, and not ok with those things at a restaurant. So basically, don't beat yourself up for being "inconsistent," our world is dynamic, and you are too... And your parenting should be fluid too!

The unified front need not apply. In essence, you need to be true to your feelings, even if your coparent disagrees. Maybe one parents thinks playing with the fire extinguisher to demonstrate Newton's third law of motion in the kitchen is totally awesome, but the other parent might think a clean kitchen is more important than SCIENCE! :) It isn't ok for one parent to set aside their feelings just to convey a unified front, feelings are important! And what kid wants to feel like both their parents are ganging up on them... especially when they know one of them totally wants to play with the fire extinguisher too?

False acceptance is dangerous. This means pretending you are ok with something you definitely are not ok with. Humans don't just communicate with words, we use all sorts of nonverbal cues to convey our message. Just because I say I'm ok with you taking the last cookie doesn't mean I really AM ok with it... And how would you feel if after I watch you eat that last, decadent, chocolate, vegan cookie I slumped over and shed one poignant tear? Yeah, you'd probably tell me to get over it... but you'd also probably feel less than wonderful about that cookie you just ate. Kids see the world in black and white... their brain just isn't quite done cooking yet, so we need to be clear with them, otherwise they may jump to unfortunate conclusions.

And these quotes were just too great to summarize: " Frequent exposure to such situations can cause children to feel unloved. It can bring on frequent "testing" on the part of the child, can cause children to carry around a heavy load of anxiety, foster in children feelings of insecurity, and so on... When a child receives "mixed messages," she may begin to have grave doubts about the honesty or genuineness of her parent... (it is) far better for parents to realize when they are not feeling accepting and not pretend that they are."

Is accepting the kid, but not the behavior a thing? I know I've heard of this before, and I honestly think it could work depending on how it's internalized. The problem is it needs to be internalized positively by both the parent and the child. And I think Gordon does a nice job of explaining why this kind of stuff can be confusing to a kid: "Parents have interpreted this to mean that it is all right to control, restrict, prohibit, demand, or deny, as long as they do it in some clever way so that the child perceives it as not rejecting of her but of her behavior." But the problem is, as I've said before, kids see things in black and white. I believe it is unlikely that the kid will truly get the "I love you, just not what you do" message the way we want them to. I learned A LOT more about this kind of stuff in Unconditional Parenting, and I think Kohn does a much better job of delving into this topic than Gordon does. So, if you feel a little lost after reading this section of the book, pick up Unconditional Parenting, I think you'll like it.

So basically, it's important to know that it's OK for you to not like some of the things your kid does. But it isn't ok to pretend you are ok with thinks you don't like.

Who owns the problem? Now we start to get into some of the technique of PET. Step one in any conflict is to figure out who owns the problem. Some problems are the kid's problem, others are the parent's problem, and both need to be approach differently. For example, when your kid is upset about that stupid homework packet, or that jerk on the playground, well, that's your kid's problem. But when the parent is upset about their kid jumping on them or trying to poke out the baby's eyes, well that's the parents problem. I think the easiest way to figure out who a problem belongs to is to look at who is upset by the situation. I mean, I'm sure you will empathize with your kid when his heart is broken by that evil 2nd grader (I mean who wouldn't appreciate a beautifully colored in bouquet of flowers!? He even stayed in the lines!!) But I think we can all agree that this is your kid's problem; having empathy for someone isn't the same as being upset about a situation you've experienced.

So when your kid brings you one of their problems PET teaches us to use active listening to help our kids solve their own problems. I know it's tempting to solve your kid's problem... I mean, we adults tend to think much quicker and we have all this experience to draw from. But after a while it may become exhausting to put out every fire your kid brings to you. Not to mention that your advice may NOT be the best idea. This isn't your problem that needs solving here, so chances are your solution will be substandard to one your kid could come up with (at least after some practice.)

Now, when it's the parent's problem PET is going to teach us some confrontation skills. And that may sound scary to a lot of us; because in the past, confrontations often ended in yelling, tantrums, door slamming or running away. But this ain't your grandpa's conflict resolution belt. This is the "no-lose" method, but we won't be getting into that for a few weeks.

PET is all about teaching parents conflict resolution skills which, when modeled to children, helps kids learn to solve their own problems in a way that is cooperative and makes sure that everyone's needs are met.

Next week(ish) I'll get into chapters 3-5 where the skill of active listening is explored in depth. Thanks for reading!

This is what you get when you type "conflict resolution kittens" into a Google image search :)

How To Drop Your Kid Off At Daycare

Most of my friends bring their children to daycare during the week. In fact, according to the US Census from 2011, only 20% of children under five are regularly cared for by their parents throughout the week. 24% are with a grandparent and 33% are in daycares. And on average, for children whose mothers are working, kids are in daycare for 36 hours a week. So, daycare of some type is a substantial part of most families' lives.

Let's be clear. I run a daycare out of my home. So, obviously I'm not against daycares. I do, however, wish that the families I serve could spend more time together. Although, I understand that doing so might be an exceptional hardship. I am glad that I can provide a safe, happy home for my friend's children to be at while they go to work.

That being said, I think it is really important HOW a parent brings and leaves a child at daycare.

Kids are not yet adults. This is usually most apparent by their tiny size. But, spend some time with a kid and you'll quickly realize it is their underdeveloped brain that truly defines their age group. Kids just don't think things through the way adults do. This is why we hold their hands in parking lots and keep the candy on the top shelf.

So, what's the big difference between the adult brain and developing brain? The part of the brain that I am most interested in right now is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain where we focus, plan and organize our lives. And this part of the brain doesn't really start to develop until we are four years old! And it isn't ready for prime time until our early to mid twenties.

Now there are lots of places I could go with this knowledge at this point. But basically I am trying to make the point that children see and understand the world very differently from how adults do. And these differences, if ignored, could cause lasting problems.

Let's look at what often happens when a kid is dropped off at daycare. (Warning: This is anecdotal evidence. I haven't actually done a study about what parents say to their kids at drop off... but all parents I have worked with have said something along these lines at some point.)

No matter how often your kid screams at you and throws tantrums, the reality is, you are his/her favorite person in the world. Your kid wants to be with you. Even if you have an awesome daycare provider, your kid would probably choose to spend the day with you instead of going to daycare. This is a good thing :) But, for many families, the reality is you have to go to work and your kid has to go to daycare.

But sometimes your kid REALLY doesn't want to go to daycare. They ask to stay with you, they ask you to stay with them... And then the tears come in. It's rough. No one wants to walk away from their kid in that moment. So, we try to let them down easy.

"Honey, I'm so sorry. I really want to spend the day with you too. I don't want to go to work, but I HAVE to."

We say this with the best of intentions. And it is, generally, true. I'm sure many people enjoy their work, but given the choice to spend time with loved ones, I'm willing to bet that family would win. (again this is all purely anecdotal)

Now here comes the science!

When we say stuff like this to kids, they hear something entirely different from what we want them to hear.

Over the past year I've read some books that have really helped me to understand why I need to choose my words and actions very carefully when working with children.

Bring Them Back Alive by Jose M. de Olivares (Best if you have a kid (or work with kids) who have fallen in with the "wrong" crowd or who are on the path to do so)

Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon (Best if you want a step-by-step how-to guide for resolving conflicts with your kids without relying on the use of parental power, something I will talk more about in a future post)

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene PhD (Best if you have or work with children who have extreme tantrums or behaviors and you want to improve your relationship with that child and help them find new ways to harness their energy)

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn (Best if you are a human who cares about humans. Essential if you have or work with children)

These books all do a great job of putting you in the shoes of your children, helping you to perceive the world as they do. It really opened my eyes and helped me to see how many of the things I was doing (timeout, punishments, rewards, incentives, bargaining, active ignoring etc.) looked much different to the kids I was working with than I expected them to. And it made me realize that those "doing to" techniques are inadequate at best and dangerous at worst. Now I am honing my "working with" techniques that I have learned from these books to improve my relationship with the children I work with and to have more effective, longer lasting problem solving sessions.

So, what does a kid hear when we tell them that we really don't want to go to work, but we have to?

Kids don't generally have the ability to understand the gray zones or the big picture we adults take for granted. They see things in black and white, yes and no, left and right. Of course we adults know the world doesn't work that way, and our children will find that out soon enough for themselves. But until they do, we need to meet them where they are, or else we risk unintentionally weakening our relationship with our children for the sake of brevity.

When we tell our kid we don't WANT to go to work, that's exactly what they hear. That mom or dad does not want to go to their job. But of course, mom or dad will go to work. This now leaves the child to think that mom or dad would rather go to a job they don't even want to be at, than be with their child. "They'd rather go someplace they hate than be with me." That's the black and white interpretation of what the parent said. Needless to say, this can have a negative effect on child's sense of self.

Of course that's not what we want our kids to think! So what can we say instead?

My wife and I have talked about this a lot lately, and she came up with an answer that I really like and I really want to share it with the world.

Kid: Mooooooom. Please don't go. (tears start) I really want you to stay with me...

Parent: You really don't want me to go.

Kid: No. I want you to stay with me.

Parent: I really like spending time with you too. But I've made a promise to my boss to come in to work, and it's important to keep promises.

Kid: (Sad, pouty look)

Parent: But you know what? I've also made a promise to you. I promise to be here as soon as I am done with my work and be present with you until bedtime. What would you like to do after we get home?

I know this takes a little longer than the first response... And I'm not saying that kids will perk up and be totally ok with you going to work that day. But it builds on an understanding about why mom or dad has to go to work. And it doesn't make an value judgements on whether the parent likes work or the child better. Rather it teaches the importance of keeping promises, a gateway to being a responsible person.

Maybe you think your kid is too young to grasp the finer points of the above conversation, and you think you'll start with those kinds of exchanges when the kid is four or five. But I recently suggested this method to the father of a 2 month baby. I feel like the sooner parents get into the habit of hearing their words from their child's perspective the sooner these kinds of conversations will be second nature.

So, what do you think? How do you think your kid would respond to this kind of conversation? Have you ever read any of the books I mentioned in this post, what did you think about them? Do you leave your kid at daycare? How do you manage to daycare drop off time?

I'd be so happy to hear your thoughts, ideas and questions. Please comment and share :)