Last night a friend contacted me with news that her sister is interested in buying Ruby! I was excited, and then, slowly, sadness overcame me. And had no idea what was wrong with me. I wasn't connecting this sadness to my truck. I don't even drive my truck anymore! I put gas in him two months ago and still have 3/4 of a tank.
When my girlfriend came home, I went through the normal motions of telling her about my day. When I mentioned I had an interested buyer, the tears just started rolling. I was surprised, and even more surprised as I continued to talk about every loss that was still hurting me.
About a year and a half ago my girlfriend and I took some classes to become foster parents in the hopes of finding a child to adopt. One of the things we discussed at length in the class was that children in foster care are coping with massive losses. They have lost their families, their friends, their school, their neighborhood and often most (if not all) of their belongings. Then they get moved from home to home, compounding the effect of all previous losses. These kids just don't get the time to fully deal with their losses. At the time I thought I understood this phenomenon.
Last night I was mad at myself for being so over sensitive. Why am I crying over a truck? Yeah, it's the first vehicle I ever bought all on my own. Yeah, it symbolizes independence. Yeah, it's useful (in the rare moments I (or my friends) actually need a truck.) But it's still just a thing... A thing that will bring us a great deal of financial security if we don't own it any more. So I should be happy...
And then I jumped in the deep end.
I thought about my best friend's wedding that I'm not invited to because I became too distant (I am sure I did other things that contributed to the dissolution of our close friendship... but my "gift" of oblivion has dwarfed those happenings.) And then I thought about my own wedding, and how my HUGE family means that many of my chosen family, my friends, won't be in attendance because we just can't afford that... And I just don't want to make someone feel what I am feeling.
I thought about Xander, our kitty that we put asleep a year ago, after trying so hard to save him, we still had to let him go. And then I looked to the three cats we have left, and I know their time will come... as will mine. And when I go, someone will cry, they will feel loss and hurt.
I thought about the fight with my family where I lost my mind because they didn't share my opinions about the importance of helping the refugee children at our southern boarders. And I thought about how uncomfortable I feel being around them now, but that I can't come out and say that, because it will hurt them... I don't want them to hurt the way I hurt. I don't want them to feel the loss of comfort I feel.
I thought about all of the foster children... Children who lost their families, their moms, their beds, their homes. And I thought about the foster child we almost had... And how she now has another loss to add to her list. And I to mine. And every day we don't look again is another day a child needs to wait in limbo, needs to feel unloved... And can't take the time to heal yet... But to look again is scary! I don't want to hurt someone else, I don't want to feel that pain again, and I don't want to see my girlfriend cry because we have to do what is right for all involved... There is just too much pain.
I can never understand what children in foster care are feeling. Even with all the accumulative loss I cried over last night... A comparison is not justifiable. But knowing what just a tiny fraction of that loss feels like, makes it much more real... brings me to the edge of understanding.
When I feel loss I go to bad places. When I get to bad places I remember that I don't want to be there anymore. Sometimes I pull myself out, sometimes I wait for help.
I'm lucky. I have help. I have wonderful friends, who I know will forgive me if I can't afford to have them at my wedding. I have a loving family who, even though we may never understand each other, is always there when I need to call.
Not everyone is this lucky.
<3
