Why My Babies' Gender Won't Be A "Surprise"

Actual scene from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life 1983

I've been pissed off about gender since puberty.

I remember being the tallest kid in class. I remember being really strong and tossing the bullies around the playground. I remember when we all got to be the same. And then, everything changed.

Suddenly my male friends were taller and stronger and my female friends were interested in things I couldn't care for (makeup, dating etc.) Of course I know that not all girls become super girly... If I existed, there had to be others like me. And as an adult I've met men that I can still toss around (mostly on the roller derby track though :p) Although I know that the aforementioned affliction, puberty, does not adversely effect all people to such extremes, as a kid I felt really confused when this massive transformation began.

In middle school I was lucky enough to discover a great group of awkward, eccentric, down right weird-o friends and they acted almost like a buffer zone so I could still be me. Unfortunately, none of them came with me to college, and I found few people like my teenage friends during my 20s. Then, in my 30s roller derby saved me! I'm now happy to say that I live in a bubble of human individuality which gives me a place to feel safe, accepted and loved.

And now I'm pregnant.

This new adventure has taught me much, and has forced me to really think deeply about things I've always just accepted. Why do I feel/think/act this way? Where did it all come from? Do I actually like it? Do I want to change? I've needed to challenge many of my long standing principles because now not only do I need to make my thoughts on certain things known (because people ask pregnant folk all sorts of questions) but I often have to stand up for what I believe to be best (because people like to tell pregnant people that they don't know what they are talking about... aka "advice.")

Case and point:

My wife and I have no interest in our babies' sex. If we didn't need to have an ultrasound every 3-4 weeks then this wouldn't even be an issue, because we wouldn't be able to see their genitals until after we get to meet them face to tiny face. However, being pregnant with twins means that the doctors watch things really closely because things can go wrong quickly. I'm glad my doctors want to keep us all safe. I just wish that I didn't have to talk about whether or not my children have penises so often.

It seems REALLY odd to me that it's OK to talk about a person's genitalia just because that person doesn't know how to talk yet. I mean, think about it. If you met an adult who didn't really look like a man or a woman... you'd probably be really cautious about using pronouns (he/she) until you knew the person's preference. Right? But with babies, for some reason the rules are different. Apparently it is everyone's right to know what's going on in your baby's diaper. And my babies don't even wear diapers yet!

OK, I'm trying to hold the rage in... This topic has been irritating me for quite some time now. So I apologize if I come off sounding self-righteous and indignant. But let me tell you about my most recent encounter with this issue.

Last week I needed to go into the hospital to check out some issues (fret not, all is well.) While I was there the Physician's Assisntant who was tending to me and asked the ever so common question, "So, do you know what you're having yet?"

---

OK, I have to pause for a second and just tell you how much I HATE this question. Do I know WHAT I am having yet? Like the humans growing inside of me are THINGS??? Seriously? UHG!!! I'm so fed up with the concept of parents treating children like things rather than people. And it starts before the kids are even born!! And comes from medical professionals! Seriously, I strongly believe that the way we speak TO and ABOUT children has a profound impact on how they develop... But that's a topic for another post that I've been trying to write for a month or so... Stay posted ;)

---

I've heard this question so many times that I've got a stock answer for it:
Inquisitive Person: "So, do you know what you're having yet?"
Me: "Yeah, we're having humans."
IP: LOLz

And that's usually where it ends. The person realizes that I am not going to discuss my babies' genitalia with them and they move on. But every now and then, people continue to press for information. Usually I think these people don't understand sarcasm, or humor, or me. So I then clearly state, "We are not finding out the babies' sex before they are born." Well, that usually leads to them smiling and telling me what a great big surprise it will be to gaze between my child's legs shortly after they are born...

...creepy...

Anyway, back to the PA.

After delivering my typical responses she decided to politely imply that we were making the wrong decision. She said, with a near grimace, "I mean, sure, you can buy a bunch of yellow and green clothes now. But then, after they are born, you aren't going to want to go out to Target and get all the pink or blue stuff you'll need. It's really best to just be prepared."

...

... ...

... ... ...

Sometimes I really miss being an irrational, emotional, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, imprudent teenager who has a "problem with authority." Life was so much "easier" back then. I really just wanted to scream at her... but I also wanted to get out of the ER and go home. So I swallowed my pride and decided to ignore this person who I would probably never see again.

For the record, let me get a few things straight:
1. Boys can wear pink.
2. Girls can wear blue.
3. I really, honestly and fully do not care what my babies' genders are.

And, perhaps most importantly:

4. I do not believe that knowing what kind of genitals my babies are born with will give me ANY information about who they are. I believe that who a person is, goes so much deeper than what society says they should be based on the presence or absence of a penis.

And, also important to note, just because your baby is born with a penis or a vagina does not mean that they will be a boy or a girl! I have several friends who were born with one style of equipment and later in life shared with the world that they were born with the wrong parts. I get it, I run in a weird circle, where I actually encounter people who are different from me... but come on!!

So, will the gender of our babies be some exciting surprise my wife and I are looking forward to? No. Google defines surprise as an unexpected or astonishing fact. Discovering if our children have a penis or a vagina will not be unexpected or astonishing... I'm fairly certain they will have one or the other.









Disclaimer: I know that there are some people who really care about gender... And that's their thing. I wrote this because there are people like me, who don't give a flying fuck about gender, and maybe the next time you encounter someone like me you could just let them be. (Disclaimer for the disclaimer: By "you" I mean, that guy that probably won't read blogs like this... so don't worry, I'm probably not talking about you.)

Pregnancy: An Epic Mind-fuck

Warning - this post contains expletives.

Once I had started my journey to becoming an adult ("adult" being defined as the period in one's life when one starts accepting responsibility for their choices by using mindful reflection to guide one's thoughts and actions... Which rarely happens until a person's late twenties to early thirties... If, indeed, it ever does happen) I had decided that creating my own humans was unnecessary and unappealing. And because everything in this world, yes even my own  proclamations, is impermanent, when I turned 35 I had begun to consider making my own human. Once my wife agreed we went full steam ahead.

I really had no idea what to expect from pregnancy. I've seen so many people go through it, and each person has seemed to endure the process uniquely. I just assumed I'd be uncomfortable, if not a bit squeamish, for about a year and then I could move on to figuring out parenthood. I never realized how much pregnancy could consume not only my every waking thought but even my half-awake thoughts as I wished for the inoculation of slumber. (As I write this it is 4 AM and I've been awake for at least an hour) Ruminating is just one of those things I've always done, often to excess, and especially when I'm experiencing something new.

My parents said they could see the wheels turning in my head even when I was very young.

Over the last couple of months, as my growing belly has kept this pregnancy more at the forefront of my conscience thought, I've started to develop some opinions about this experience. And you know me, I just love to share ;)

Pregnancy has its own plan, and doesn't inform you of that plan until the action steps have become obvious.

I didn't plan on triplets, or coping with the loss of a three inch long human I'd never meet. I didn't plan on growing so fast that I'd need to beg for clothes I knew I'd grow out of in a month. And, never having experienced much in the way of PMS, I never considered how imprisoned I could feel due to my own hormonal fluctuations and aberrant emotions.

I've often struggled with accepting myself, and over the past few years I have experienced significant growth in this area. Now that I am confronted with an entirely new version of myself I am once again struggling to accept this me. I've been attempting to focus my mental energies on appreciating the beauty of impermanence as I feel everything that is me mutate. Then I am often paralyzed by the question, "Once this metamorphose is complete, who/what will I be?" However, beyond that moment of panic, pregnancy has helped me to be more aware of the ever changing nature of life.

Pregnancy is immobilizing.

After last year (stricken with pneumonia for months, broken elbow, numerous sad events) I thought I knew what it felt like to be incapacitated. And yet through all of last year's barriers I played a lot of derby, ran four half marathons, got married and kept on being me. I thought I had learned what it meant to be tired after jamming four roller derby games in two days, but as usual, life had more to teach me. I am currently 17 weeks pregnant... And although I have had a lot more energy over the past two weeks, I have never felt so exhausted from just sitting around. Of course everyone has been keen to remind me, "You're not doing nothing, you're gestating!"

But it's not just the exhaustion. I've never really said to myself, "Hmm... I wonder if I can do that." In my head it usually sounds like, "I'm gonna try that." I'm sure those probably sound like the same thing, but the former thought can actually prevent someone from doing something, while the latter doesn't. There are so many things I've wanted to do recently that I haven't even tried. And that gets to the heart of my current frustrations. It is this incapacitated mindset that has me truly hamstrung. And I'm not even sure if that's a bad thing (especially when you consider that my idea of a good time is running away from people who are trying to hit me into next week)

Terrifying and exciting. Jamming is like a roller coaster I never have to wait in line for!

And yet, even as I see pregnancy as such a pivotal, life altering experience, one fact cannot be ignored: pregnancy is not uncommon. While I am experiencing this in my own unique way, just as I have experienced all that life has to offer, making humans is still something that an enormous number of people personally experience at some point in their life.

The fact that I'm only halfway through this journey (which, since the average twin birth occurs at 35 weeks gestation, is a statistically accurate statement) has me thinking that I'm writing this post prematurely. What do I even know about pregnancy? This is probably just the tip of the iceberg. It's like a 13 year old writing about their teenage experience.

Though my thoughts be immature, I still see value in sharing them. And I appreciate the time you've spent, sharing this experience with me. Thank you friend.

Me, a few days shy of 17 weeks gestation.

Being "Nice"... While Pregnant... With Multiples

It didn't matter how informed we were of the risks associated with using fertility drugs, we were still surprised. If my blood work had been a magic eight ball, when we asked how likely it is that insemination will work the answer would have been, "Outlook not so good." We had a very short term success our first month without any drugs, but my uterus decided that was just a test run. So we took the doctor's advice, and medicine, and waited month after month as I produced between two and five eggs... and yet nothing happened.

The day before I took the home pregnancy test I played my second to last roller derby game for the season. I definitely felt off. I was MUCH more tired than usual. They tell you to wait two minutes after taking the test before looking... The observational scientist in me couldn't look away. Within ten seconds the stick was screaming PREGNANT! The line couldn't have been more clear, and I was shocked it presented itself so quickly.

The doctors tested my blood and said I had a really good result and asked me to come in for an ultrasound. Now I know that the "really good result" line is code for "a crap-ton of hcg and probably multiples" Going into the ultrasound appointment I was pretty sure we had more than one. And when the doctor started the scan, though I didn't really know what I was looking for, I knew there was a lot more going on in there than was supposed to be gong on.

"Oh no, why does this keep happening to you guys?" said our Doctor, with obvious frustration. He was looking at three tiny embryos and their rapidly beating hearts. The chance for triplets was so incredibly low, especially with the poor numbers I had from the blood work, that though I had thought about it, I hadn't really THOUGHT about it. 

Shocked? I guess that's the best word I can find to explain it now... But keep in mind, these early ultrasounds are done vaginally... so I was already in a rather uncomfortable and awkward position, and now I felt even more naked. I wondered how I should respond. Should I freak out and scream? Hmmm... I think that could result in some kind of horrible ultrasound wand projectile to the face situation for my doctor, and I really like the guy, so no, I couldn't do that. Instead I just waited. How was my wife reacting? I think she was waiting to see how I would react! :) I think we were both a bit frozen. 

My cell phone takes crappy photos. Two embryos are easy to see, the third is hiding in the lower right.

Our doctor took some pictures for us, and apologized for maybe being too aggressive. And said they'd have to watch me closely now. We had just taken a flying leap into the land of high risk pregnancies.

Well, now that you know what my mind has been cluttered with lately now it's time to explain my predicament. Last September my wife and I went to a simplicity conference as part of our honeymoon. At one point in the conference people were encouraged to stand up in front of the group and share their passion. Initially I wasn't planning to share, mostly because I assumed no one would be interested, but as I thought about it I began to feel driven.

My passion is people, in particular, children. And I had just read the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and began to uncover an entirely new understanding of how adults must interact with children if we are to have the kind of world most of us want (peaceful, loving, accepting, innovative, fun, helpful etc.) So, I nervously got up and spoke, you can see the video here if you want to, it's only a few minutes long... and you might enjoy watching me sweat :)

Basically I asked people to be kind to tiny humans a.k.a. children. I tried to express that it is only through our kindness that children can grow to become the kind, loving, self assured people we hope they will become.

And I noticed that in the video notes the convention organizer had listed my blog as a place to learn more about me! So yikes! I had better write something new! 

But what to write? I feel like crap. My head is all over the place. I feel bad for the kids I watch because I spend so much of the day crumpled on the couch in misery or exhaustion. And, though I feel sad to mention it, I have snapped at the tiny humans I love and care for over the past few weeks. So now I felt like a fraud, like a hypocrite! The worst kind of human. Why can't I even take my own advice?!

...

Have you ever learned something new, and even though it was a mind blowing eureka kind of moment you still found yourself forgetting to apply it in the context of the real world? Maybe that's just a normal part of learning something new. But I'm glad I had this post to think about because it reminded me of one of the most important things I've learned recently.

Yes, it is so important to be kind, to give empathy to those in pain. We need to realize that when someone lashes out at us, it is because they are hurting inside, because someone or something lashed out at them. And then, to take it a step further we need to take this inside ourselves and notice that when we lash out at others it is because we are in pain. And if we are in pain, there is an important step for us to do before we try to give empathy to others. We need to give empathy to ourselves.

If we are not filled with love, then how can we give love? If no one is there to hold us and recharge us, then we need to remember that with self-empathy we can recharge ourselves! 

How do we give ourselves empathy? Step one, is to listen. When I'm really upset, I ask myself why... what's going on? Lately I've been scared. There's a lot going on... I think my head is more full than my uterus is! Step two, is to tell me, that I heard me. Sometimes I'll even say to myself, "You're scared because you know how dangerous this is and your health is really important to you, and you're also afraid to lose your children." I remind myself that these are my feelings and that they are valid, and that I can feel them for as long as I want or need to. Step three, hug. For me this usually looks like a peaceful smile when I hug myself with my mind. Repeat as needed. 

This process felt really weird and even phony when I first did it, but I couldn't argue with how much better I felt after that mental counseling session. So now I've got this list that I want to enlarge, print and hang in my house:

1. Be kind.

2. If you can't be kind to someone, remember that they are in pain.

3. If you still can't be kind to them, notice that you are in pain.

4. Acknowledge your own pain, validate it.

5. Love yourself, just as you are.

6. Repeat as necessary.

I hope this can help someone, though I mostly wrote it for myself. Writing helps me process this stuff. I'd be interested in knowing what you think about this, and what helps you process life's more complicated lemons.

Vegan Toddler Meals

I don't have any of my own kids yet, but for the past two years I have run a small daycare out of my home. The food I feed my daycare kids has always been vegetarian and over time has become increasingly more vegan. Right now, aside from the dairy milk I serve as a drink with breakfast and lunch, the meals I serve are vegan. I serve dairy milk because I participate in my state's food program and I need to meet certain regulations to earn money for the meals I serve. If a parent requested a dairy alternative I would happily provide it.

I used to take pictures of my food a lot and post it on Facebook and lately I've been spending less and less time on social media so I thought I'd try a new way to share images of the food I make.

This is a pretty standard meal. Brown rice, beans, veggie side and fresh fruit. I usually make my beans from scratch but these came from a can since I was pressed for time. I steamed the kale and put raw tomatoes and bell peppers on top. I usually put some new or relatively new food on her plate at lunch each day. This time it was steamed kale. She tried it and started talking about broccoli which I thought was cool since the two plants are closely related.

This is probably one of her favorite meals. Lentil sloppy joes with brown rice. Cucumbers and bell peppers on the side. The lentil recipe is one of my favorites too because it's sooooo easy!

http://www.forksoverknives.com/recipes/sloppy-lentil-joes/

Here is a typical breakfast. I only serve sugar free, whole grain cereal. Currently wheat squares with a sprinkle of cinnamon are her favorite. My wife makes a smoothie with apples, bananas, kale and strawberries most mornings and my tiny friend always asks for some.

This picture is missing the chick peas, I forget stuff in the microwave often ;) This meal was a total experiment. The soup is broccoli cream soup and the sandwich is grilled chao (an amazing vegan cheese) and she loved them both! The pile of carrots and cucombers was my insurance that at least something would get eaten, much to my surprise the whole meal was devoured.

http://fieldroast.com/product/chao-slices/

We all eat the same stuff at my house, even me. And this is one of my favorites. Miso soup with udon, bean sprouts, tofu and seaweed. The green beans went in touched which surprised me cause she was all over them for snack the day before. Brown rice is hiding behind the bowl and apples are always delicious. I left the chick peas in the microwave again! I tend to remember about them once I'm seated and eating :)

Sometimes I think she likes opening the clementine more than eating it! 

So, that was a sampling of what I eat with my two year old friend every day. The food is simple, inexpensive, healthy and the toddler eats it :) 

Nonfiction In A Nutshell - Parent Effectiveness Training: Part 1

I have decided to start a new segment on my blog: Nonfiction In A Nutshell. I like to read, and I read a lot of nonfiction. Often I love a book so much that I want everyone in the world to read it. Often, when I suggest nonfiction books to people I find that they aren't always as enthusiastic as I am about the genre. But I still want people to get the information. So I figured if I read a really interesting nonfiction book I should blog about it!

Now, nonfiction books tend to have lots and lots of information packed between their covers, so it will usually take me more than one or two posts to really present the information from the book. I'm not sure this model will work for me or my readers, but I am excited to try it out!

The first book I will be dissecting is Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Dr. Thomas Gordon. I'm also reading this book with a group of friends right now, so I'll be interested to see what they think of my summaries. Dr. Gordon is a psychologist who has won lots of awards, written several books and has been a consultant to people in high places. He ran a training program for parents for a while and then wrote this book to help parents who couldn't travel to his trainings learn the principles of PET.

I'll be going over the first two chapters of the book in the post.

Chapter one is basically an advertisement for why you should read this book. Gordon states that parents are often blamed for their children's unacceptable behaviors, but are rarely trained to effectively solve those problems. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world for which we receive no official training! Gordon asserts that with PET parents will experience improved communication, improved conflict resolution, and develop a stronger relationship with their child.

He suggests that adolescents don't rebel against parents, they rebel against certain parenting methods, such as punishment (physical and verbal) and withdrawal of privileges. This is a book that teaches parents how to "establish and maintain an effective total relationship with a child in any and all circumstances." Parents will learn the what, why and how of it, specific techniques and the philosophy behind said techniques.

Gordon claims that this method will work for children of all ages and developmental levels. This method will also teach children to solve their own problems. He states that there is no reason for kids to view their parents as "the enemy" and implementation of these methods will help parents to avoid being "fired" by their children.

PET is often called the "no-lose" method, in contrast to the typical "win-lose" methods seen in permissive and authoritative parenting styles. This "no-lose" method is commonly used between adults for conflict resolution, and Gordon wants parents to understand that this method works between parents and kids as well!

So, if any of that sounds interesting to you, keep reading. And come back next week(ish) for the next installment :)

Chapter 2 - Parents Are Persons, Not Gods

To be honest, there are a couple parts of this chapter I did not agree with. So I wasn't sure if I should just report what is in the book, or give my opinion. Needless to say, this chapter does not diminish my praise for this book. I just ask that people, especially people who loved the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, to read this chapter with "a grain of salt."

I think Gordon is trying to empathize with parents in this chapter. He tells us that parents have a really tough job, and that it's not necessary, or even helpful to try and be super mom or dad. Parents don't have to hide their feelings, or be 100% consistent and fair, or even present a unified front with their co-parent.

Then he gets into his definition of acceptance, and this is where he started to lose me a little this time. Here are the basics. Your kid can do two things: behavior you are accepting of or behavior you are not accepting of. Behavior you accept is stuff you feel comfortable with, and behavior you don't accept is stuff that irks you.

Now here is the thing, we all know people who are very accepting, right? It feels wonderful to be around them, like they accept me no matter what! And we also know people who are not very accepting... being around them feels less wonderful, and may leave us feeling nervous and wondering if that person even likes us. After reading Unconditional Parenting I learned the importance of acceptance. However, not everyone is going to be an ultra accepting person. And Gordon wants them to know that's ok. Which I feel is pretty generous of him :) Being accepting of unaccepting people ;)

The important thing is that parents need to effectively communicate with their children when the children are engaged in behaviors the parents deem unacceptable. And fortunately for us, I believe PET helps parents to do that without straining the relationship between the parent and child.

Now, back to the book.

Parents cannot be consistent because humans are not robots! Every day we have a different temperament, sometimes even every hour we might change how we feel about things. Also, we don't live in static environments, so we might be ok with certain things at home, and not ok with those things at a restaurant. So basically, don't beat yourself up for being "inconsistent," our world is dynamic, and you are too... And your parenting should be fluid too!

The unified front need not apply. In essence, you need to be true to your feelings, even if your coparent disagrees. Maybe one parents thinks playing with the fire extinguisher to demonstrate Newton's third law of motion in the kitchen is totally awesome, but the other parent might think a clean kitchen is more important than SCIENCE! :) It isn't ok for one parent to set aside their feelings just to convey a unified front, feelings are important! And what kid wants to feel like both their parents are ganging up on them... especially when they know one of them totally wants to play with the fire extinguisher too?

False acceptance is dangerous. This means pretending you are ok with something you definitely are not ok with. Humans don't just communicate with words, we use all sorts of nonverbal cues to convey our message. Just because I say I'm ok with you taking the last cookie doesn't mean I really AM ok with it... And how would you feel if after I watch you eat that last, decadent, chocolate, vegan cookie I slumped over and shed one poignant tear? Yeah, you'd probably tell me to get over it... but you'd also probably feel less than wonderful about that cookie you just ate. Kids see the world in black and white... their brain just isn't quite done cooking yet, so we need to be clear with them, otherwise they may jump to unfortunate conclusions.

And these quotes were just too great to summarize: " Frequent exposure to such situations can cause children to feel unloved. It can bring on frequent "testing" on the part of the child, can cause children to carry around a heavy load of anxiety, foster in children feelings of insecurity, and so on... When a child receives "mixed messages," she may begin to have grave doubts about the honesty or genuineness of her parent... (it is) far better for parents to realize when they are not feeling accepting and not pretend that they are."

Is accepting the kid, but not the behavior a thing? I know I've heard of this before, and I honestly think it could work depending on how it's internalized. The problem is it needs to be internalized positively by both the parent and the child. And I think Gordon does a nice job of explaining why this kind of stuff can be confusing to a kid: "Parents have interpreted this to mean that it is all right to control, restrict, prohibit, demand, or deny, as long as they do it in some clever way so that the child perceives it as not rejecting of her but of her behavior." But the problem is, as I've said before, kids see things in black and white. I believe it is unlikely that the kid will truly get the "I love you, just not what you do" message the way we want them to. I learned A LOT more about this kind of stuff in Unconditional Parenting, and I think Kohn does a much better job of delving into this topic than Gordon does. So, if you feel a little lost after reading this section of the book, pick up Unconditional Parenting, I think you'll like it.

So basically, it's important to know that it's OK for you to not like some of the things your kid does. But it isn't ok to pretend you are ok with thinks you don't like.

Who owns the problem? Now we start to get into some of the technique of PET. Step one in any conflict is to figure out who owns the problem. Some problems are the kid's problem, others are the parent's problem, and both need to be approach differently. For example, when your kid is upset about that stupid homework packet, or that jerk on the playground, well, that's your kid's problem. But when the parent is upset about their kid jumping on them or trying to poke out the baby's eyes, well that's the parents problem. I think the easiest way to figure out who a problem belongs to is to look at who is upset by the situation. I mean, I'm sure you will empathize with your kid when his heart is broken by that evil 2nd grader (I mean who wouldn't appreciate a beautifully colored in bouquet of flowers!? He even stayed in the lines!!) But I think we can all agree that this is your kid's problem; having empathy for someone isn't the same as being upset about a situation you've experienced.

So when your kid brings you one of their problems PET teaches us to use active listening to help our kids solve their own problems. I know it's tempting to solve your kid's problem... I mean, we adults tend to think much quicker and we have all this experience to draw from. But after a while it may become exhausting to put out every fire your kid brings to you. Not to mention that your advice may NOT be the best idea. This isn't your problem that needs solving here, so chances are your solution will be substandard to one your kid could come up with (at least after some practice.)

Now, when it's the parent's problem PET is going to teach us some confrontation skills. And that may sound scary to a lot of us; because in the past, confrontations often ended in yelling, tantrums, door slamming or running away. But this ain't your grandpa's conflict resolution belt. This is the "no-lose" method, but we won't be getting into that for a few weeks.

PET is all about teaching parents conflict resolution skills which, when modeled to children, helps kids learn to solve their own problems in a way that is cooperative and makes sure that everyone's needs are met.

Next week(ish) I'll get into chapters 3-5 where the skill of active listening is explored in depth. Thanks for reading!

This is what you get when you type "conflict resolution kittens" into a Google image search :)

How To Drop Your Kid Off At Daycare

Most of my friends bring their children to daycare during the week. In fact, according to the US Census from 2011, only 20% of children under five are regularly cared for by their parents throughout the week. 24% are with a grandparent and 33% are in daycares. And on average, for children whose mothers are working, kids are in daycare for 36 hours a week. So, daycare of some type is a substantial part of most families' lives.

Let's be clear. I run a daycare out of my home. So, obviously I'm not against daycares. I do, however, wish that the families I serve could spend more time together. Although, I understand that doing so might be an exceptional hardship. I am glad that I can provide a safe, happy home for my friend's children to be at while they go to work.

That being said, I think it is really important HOW a parent brings and leaves a child at daycare.

Kids are not yet adults. This is usually most apparent by their tiny size. But, spend some time with a kid and you'll quickly realize it is their underdeveloped brain that truly defines their age group. Kids just don't think things through the way adults do. This is why we hold their hands in parking lots and keep the candy on the top shelf.

So, what's the big difference between the adult brain and developing brain? The part of the brain that I am most interested in right now is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain where we focus, plan and organize our lives. And this part of the brain doesn't really start to develop until we are four years old! And it isn't ready for prime time until our early to mid twenties.

Now there are lots of places I could go with this knowledge at this point. But basically I am trying to make the point that children see and understand the world very differently from how adults do. And these differences, if ignored, could cause lasting problems.

Let's look at what often happens when a kid is dropped off at daycare. (Warning: This is anecdotal evidence. I haven't actually done a study about what parents say to their kids at drop off... but all parents I have worked with have said something along these lines at some point.)

No matter how often your kid screams at you and throws tantrums, the reality is, you are his/her favorite person in the world. Your kid wants to be with you. Even if you have an awesome daycare provider, your kid would probably choose to spend the day with you instead of going to daycare. This is a good thing :) But, for many families, the reality is you have to go to work and your kid has to go to daycare.

But sometimes your kid REALLY doesn't want to go to daycare. They ask to stay with you, they ask you to stay with them... And then the tears come in. It's rough. No one wants to walk away from their kid in that moment. So, we try to let them down easy.

"Honey, I'm so sorry. I really want to spend the day with you too. I don't want to go to work, but I HAVE to."

We say this with the best of intentions. And it is, generally, true. I'm sure many people enjoy their work, but given the choice to spend time with loved ones, I'm willing to bet that family would win. (again this is all purely anecdotal)

Now here comes the science!

When we say stuff like this to kids, they hear something entirely different from what we want them to hear.

Over the past year I've read some books that have really helped me to understand why I need to choose my words and actions very carefully when working with children.

Bring Them Back Alive by Jose M. de Olivares (Best if you have a kid (or work with kids) who have fallen in with the "wrong" crowd or who are on the path to do so)

Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon (Best if you want a step-by-step how-to guide for resolving conflicts with your kids without relying on the use of parental power, something I will talk more about in a future post)

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene PhD (Best if you have or work with children who have extreme tantrums or behaviors and you want to improve your relationship with that child and help them find new ways to harness their energy)

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn (Best if you are a human who cares about humans. Essential if you have or work with children)

These books all do a great job of putting you in the shoes of your children, helping you to perceive the world as they do. It really opened my eyes and helped me to see how many of the things I was doing (timeout, punishments, rewards, incentives, bargaining, active ignoring etc.) looked much different to the kids I was working with than I expected them to. And it made me realize that those "doing to" techniques are inadequate at best and dangerous at worst. Now I am honing my "working with" techniques that I have learned from these books to improve my relationship with the children I work with and to have more effective, longer lasting problem solving sessions.

So, what does a kid hear when we tell them that we really don't want to go to work, but we have to?

Kids don't generally have the ability to understand the gray zones or the big picture we adults take for granted. They see things in black and white, yes and no, left and right. Of course we adults know the world doesn't work that way, and our children will find that out soon enough for themselves. But until they do, we need to meet them where they are, or else we risk unintentionally weakening our relationship with our children for the sake of brevity.

When we tell our kid we don't WANT to go to work, that's exactly what they hear. That mom or dad does not want to go to their job. But of course, mom or dad will go to work. This now leaves the child to think that mom or dad would rather go to a job they don't even want to be at, than be with their child. "They'd rather go someplace they hate than be with me." That's the black and white interpretation of what the parent said. Needless to say, this can have a negative effect on child's sense of self.

Of course that's not what we want our kids to think! So what can we say instead?

My wife and I have talked about this a lot lately, and she came up with an answer that I really like and I really want to share it with the world.

Kid: Mooooooom. Please don't go. (tears start) I really want you to stay with me...

Parent: You really don't want me to go.

Kid: No. I want you to stay with me.

Parent: I really like spending time with you too. But I've made a promise to my boss to come in to work, and it's important to keep promises.

Kid: (Sad, pouty look)

Parent: But you know what? I've also made a promise to you. I promise to be here as soon as I am done with my work and be present with you until bedtime. What would you like to do after we get home?

I know this takes a little longer than the first response... And I'm not saying that kids will perk up and be totally ok with you going to work that day. But it builds on an understanding about why mom or dad has to go to work. And it doesn't make an value judgements on whether the parent likes work or the child better. Rather it teaches the importance of keeping promises, a gateway to being a responsible person.

Maybe you think your kid is too young to grasp the finer points of the above conversation, and you think you'll start with those kinds of exchanges when the kid is four or five. But I recently suggested this method to the father of a 2 month baby. I feel like the sooner parents get into the habit of hearing their words from their child's perspective the sooner these kinds of conversations will be second nature.

So, what do you think? How do you think your kid would respond to this kind of conversation? Have you ever read any of the books I mentioned in this post, what did you think about them? Do you leave your kid at daycare? How do you manage to daycare drop off time?

I'd be so happy to hear your thoughts, ideas and questions. Please comment and share :)

"That is just THE WORST!"

You're sharing an experience at the grocery store with a friend: "They just didn't have enough lines open for a Sunday afternoon. So I picked one, and before I knew it I was locked in with two carts behind me. Of course the elderly man in front of me had to be extra chatty with the clerk. One of the items wouldn't scan and I heard the clerk say those dreaded words, "Sorry it's my first day, let me call a manager." So I wait. I looked behind me, hoping I could go find another lane, no luck. Finally the manager comes over, fixes the problem and just when I thought I could get out of there the old man takes out his wallet and is $10 short! So he's going through the bags trying to figure out what to put back. The lane next to us opens up, and the person lined up behind the person behind me swiftly moves over. Uhg, it's so unfair. So I wait. Finally that old guy removes enough crap to get out of my way! It was just so irritating! Some people should just stay home!"

To which your friend comments, "UHG! That is just the worst!!"

Or, You're telling a story about that time you hit a turkey with your car causing thousands of dollars of damage and covering everything in turkey guts... That is just the worst!

Or maybe it was when the city double charged you for your property taxes because of a paperwork error and you spent five months and dozens of aggravating phone calls moving up high enough in the bureaucracy to get your money back... That is just the worst!

Or maybe it's what happened to me today?

I've been getting phone calls meant for another person who also belongs to my gym. Apparently she isn't paying her bill and for some reason my phone number is in her file. Now collections companies are calling me too. I finally decided to call the head office and try to get this fixed. I was on the phone for maybe 10 minutes when they finally found the woman's file and told me they were going to work on removing my phone number from her contact info. I wasn't even complaining, and the woman who was helping me said, "I'm so sorry, this is just the worst!"

I had no idea what to say.

This morning I woke up to learn that my first pregnancy was ending.

...

My wife and started a couple years ago to try and adopt. But after so many disappointing situations (the first of which prompted me to start this blog) we decided to try another avenue. My fear of pregnancy and its countless complications is what steered us towards adoption in the first place. I'm 35 now, and I know this is the turning point for fertility, so I decided to put my courage where my fear was and see if I can do this.

Last month we went to a fertility doctor, bought blue eyed sperm and let a kind and overly optimistic doctor inseminate me. Last week we found out I was pregnant. And a couple days ago I started bleeding.

So, today, hearing someone tell me that a few short, polite phone calls is, "the worst" just made me stop.

That phrase has bothered me for a long time. Usually when someone says it to me I respond with, "No, genocide is the worst."

When I was in sixth grade the book Number the Stars opened my eyes. Then two years later the Rwandan Genocide terrified me as I came to grips with the fact that genocide is alive and well in my world. I guess that's why, in my book anyway, genocide is ACTUALLY "the worst."

I have friends who have tried for years to get pregnant. Some had to go through really invasive procedures to make it work. And for some it never worked.

http://weburbanist.com/2011/10/16/image-nation-50-nifty-forced-perspective-photographs/

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that perspective is important. I'm really sad now. I feel empty. I feel lonelier today, than I felt yesterday.

But I know some very important things:
- I am safe.
- My family is safe.
- It's possible for me to become pregnant.
- I am loved.

This is not the worst.