How To Drop Your Kid Off At Daycare

Most of my friends bring their children to daycare during the week. In fact, according to the US Census from 2011, only 20% of children under five are regularly cared for by their parents throughout the week. 24% are with a grandparent and 33% are in daycares. And on average, for children whose mothers are working, kids are in daycare for 36 hours a week. So, daycare of some type is a substantial part of most families' lives.

Let's be clear. I run a daycare out of my home. So, obviously I'm not against daycares. I do, however, wish that the families I serve could spend more time together. Although, I understand that doing so might be an exceptional hardship. I am glad that I can provide a safe, happy home for my friend's children to be at while they go to work.

That being said, I think it is really important HOW a parent brings and leaves a child at daycare.

Kids are not yet adults. This is usually most apparent by their tiny size. But, spend some time with a kid and you'll quickly realize it is their underdeveloped brain that truly defines their age group. Kids just don't think things through the way adults do. This is why we hold their hands in parking lots and keep the candy on the top shelf.

So, what's the big difference between the adult brain and developing brain? The part of the brain that I am most interested in right now is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain where we focus, plan and organize our lives. And this part of the brain doesn't really start to develop until we are four years old! And it isn't ready for prime time until our early to mid twenties.

Now there are lots of places I could go with this knowledge at this point. But basically I am trying to make the point that children see and understand the world very differently from how adults do. And these differences, if ignored, could cause lasting problems.

Let's look at what often happens when a kid is dropped off at daycare. (Warning: This is anecdotal evidence. I haven't actually done a study about what parents say to their kids at drop off... but all parents I have worked with have said something along these lines at some point.)

No matter how often your kid screams at you and throws tantrums, the reality is, you are his/her favorite person in the world. Your kid wants to be with you. Even if you have an awesome daycare provider, your kid would probably choose to spend the day with you instead of going to daycare. This is a good thing :) But, for many families, the reality is you have to go to work and your kid has to go to daycare.

But sometimes your kid REALLY doesn't want to go to daycare. They ask to stay with you, they ask you to stay with them... And then the tears come in. It's rough. No one wants to walk away from their kid in that moment. So, we try to let them down easy.

"Honey, I'm so sorry. I really want to spend the day with you too. I don't want to go to work, but I HAVE to."

We say this with the best of intentions. And it is, generally, true. I'm sure many people enjoy their work, but given the choice to spend time with loved ones, I'm willing to bet that family would win. (again this is all purely anecdotal)

Now here comes the science!

When we say stuff like this to kids, they hear something entirely different from what we want them to hear.

Over the past year I've read some books that have really helped me to understand why I need to choose my words and actions very carefully when working with children.

Bring Them Back Alive by Jose M. de Olivares (Best if you have a kid (or work with kids) who have fallen in with the "wrong" crowd or who are on the path to do so)

Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon (Best if you want a step-by-step how-to guide for resolving conflicts with your kids without relying on the use of parental power, something I will talk more about in a future post)

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene PhD (Best if you have or work with children who have extreme tantrums or behaviors and you want to improve your relationship with that child and help them find new ways to harness their energy)

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn (Best if you are a human who cares about humans. Essential if you have or work with children)

These books all do a great job of putting you in the shoes of your children, helping you to perceive the world as they do. It really opened my eyes and helped me to see how many of the things I was doing (timeout, punishments, rewards, incentives, bargaining, active ignoring etc.) looked much different to the kids I was working with than I expected them to. And it made me realize that those "doing to" techniques are inadequate at best and dangerous at worst. Now I am honing my "working with" techniques that I have learned from these books to improve my relationship with the children I work with and to have more effective, longer lasting problem solving sessions.

So, what does a kid hear when we tell them that we really don't want to go to work, but we have to?

Kids don't generally have the ability to understand the gray zones or the big picture we adults take for granted. They see things in black and white, yes and no, left and right. Of course we adults know the world doesn't work that way, and our children will find that out soon enough for themselves. But until they do, we need to meet them where they are, or else we risk unintentionally weakening our relationship with our children for the sake of brevity.

When we tell our kid we don't WANT to go to work, that's exactly what they hear. That mom or dad does not want to go to their job. But of course, mom or dad will go to work. This now leaves the child to think that mom or dad would rather go to a job they don't even want to be at, than be with their child. "They'd rather go someplace they hate than be with me." That's the black and white interpretation of what the parent said. Needless to say, this can have a negative effect on child's sense of self.

Of course that's not what we want our kids to think! So what can we say instead?

My wife and I have talked about this a lot lately, and she came up with an answer that I really like and I really want to share it with the world.

Kid: Mooooooom. Please don't go. (tears start) I really want you to stay with me...

Parent: You really don't want me to go.

Kid: No. I want you to stay with me.

Parent: I really like spending time with you too. But I've made a promise to my boss to come in to work, and it's important to keep promises.

Kid: (Sad, pouty look)

Parent: But you know what? I've also made a promise to you. I promise to be here as soon as I am done with my work and be present with you until bedtime. What would you like to do after we get home?

I know this takes a little longer than the first response... And I'm not saying that kids will perk up and be totally ok with you going to work that day. But it builds on an understanding about why mom or dad has to go to work. And it doesn't make an value judgements on whether the parent likes work or the child better. Rather it teaches the importance of keeping promises, a gateway to being a responsible person.

Maybe you think your kid is too young to grasp the finer points of the above conversation, and you think you'll start with those kinds of exchanges when the kid is four or five. But I recently suggested this method to the father of a 2 month baby. I feel like the sooner parents get into the habit of hearing their words from their child's perspective the sooner these kinds of conversations will be second nature.

So, what do you think? How do you think your kid would respond to this kind of conversation? Have you ever read any of the books I mentioned in this post, what did you think about them? Do you leave your kid at daycare? How do you manage to daycare drop off time?

I'd be so happy to hear your thoughts, ideas and questions. Please comment and share :)